Six Green Bay Date Ideas

If there is one thing I know about relationships, it's that they're hard. The older and busier we get, the harder they are to maintain.

Man Friend and I are both incredibly busy people. Between my job, a Mary Kay business, and volunteering, and his job and schoolwork, we barely have time for ourselves, let alone each other. About a year ago, we realized we had been making time for everyone and everything else in our lives, and not for our relationship. Despite living together, we were not spending quality time together. When we did have date night, we found ourselves in a deep rut doing the same thing over and over again. It became predictable. And boring. Between our booked schedules, and the lack of excitement in our lives, our relationship was beginning to suffer.

So, being the problem solvers that we are, we came up with a plan. Monthly "Special Dates," for lack of a more interesting name. And, like any good Rule Follower, I put a few requirements in.

1. These dates must be scheduled. This is the most important piece of the equation. At the beginning of each month, we pick a day that works for both of us, and mark it in our calendars. Barring any extenuating circumstances, that date sticks and other plans are made around our date. Picking a day and dedicating time to your spouse or significant other is so crucial to making time for your relationship. Just like I schedule time for my Mary Kay business, and Chris sets aside time for homework, we make plans to enjoy each other's company. After all, isn't that why we're together?
   
2. We must stick with a monthly schedule, to the best of our abilities. Sometimes, life happens. We had a ridiculously hectic summer, which was preceeded by moving. So quite a few months did get missed during the warmer season (though we made sure to still set aside time together at things like the Farmer's Market), but that was a decision made by both of us, and had been discussed. Letting the dates go off to the wayside is not an option - because we'll be back to where we started.
   
3. We must rotate out months of "whose" date it is. Every other month gets swapped for who gets to plan the date. It is important not only to do things that your significant other enjoys, but to find things that you both enjoy doing together.
   
4. We must plan the date to do something out of the ordinary. Maybe it's something we've never done before, or maybe we haven't shared it together. Maybe we've both done the activity, but it's not a normal outing for us. It doesn't matter - it just needs thought behind it. Usually, we try to surprise each other. This is much easier for me to be the surpriser. I am not good at being surprised. Like, how do I dress? What do you mean "casual?" Yoga pants and a tank casual? Jeans, flippies, and a band shirt casual? A nice top, jeans, and boots? Will I be inside or outside? Will I be walking? See, not good at it.

I assumed that if we were struggling with date ideas, we could not be the only couple in this boat. So I decided to share some of our Special Dates with you. I hope it gives someone some fun. And, at the very least, it allows you to explore your own city. These ideas are centralized around Northeast Wisconsin, but are absolutely adaptable for any area. Enjoy!

• Take a day trip to Door County.
•  Any time of year is beautiful, but Fall really is ideal. There is so much to see and do, you can find something for everyone. Our trip last Fall was our first day trip alone together, and was one of the best moments in our relationship (for me, anyway). We went to a wine tasting, explored through Peninsula State Park, shopped in the little stores along a main strip, and enjoyed lunch in a cute diner.

• Go bowling. 
• Maybe this is pretty run-of-the-mill for some couples, but it wasn't for us. Chris used to bowl quite a bit, but it was never really something I got into. I'm pretty terrible, and have been self conscious of it since becoming an adult. I didn't want to go for the longest time, but with just him, I felt comfortable enough that by the end of our games, I was ok going again with friends.

• Visit the Garden of Lights.
• If you haven't gone to the Botanical Garden in winter to experience the Garden of Lights show, make it a priority to do so. It is such an extraordinary display, and a beautiful experience. And the photo ops are endless.

• Take a brewery tour.
• If you're even remotely interested in the booming craft beer scene, this should be a must. Especially in the Wisconsin area. There are countless breweries in Wisco, but NEW itself has a significant number. Locally, we've been to Titletown and Badger State so far. It's very interesting to learn about the brewing process, and what's different with each company. Plus, you get to try some beer after (or during!) the tour. How could you turn that down?

Titletown

Leinie's during our trip to Rock Fest

Leinie's taps

• Go on a picnic.
• Is there a better season that Summer? Of course not. If you say it's Winter, we're done being friends. Pack up some food, and head to a park with your honey, and enjoy the beautiful weather. Whether you go actual picnic style with a basket, sammies, and a blanket, or you pack up the grill and brats, you can't go wrong. Pamperin is always a good option.

• Eat at Happy Joes - or some other place from your childhood.
• Life is just too damn short to be stuffy. Have fun in your relationship! Be kids for a day, and let loose a little! We each got personal pizzas (Taco Supreme is where it's at) and played the games to our little hearts' content. It should be stated on the record that I kicked ass and got more tickets - but Chris gave me his extra tickets so I could get an extra prize. We traded in our precious tickets for Airheads and Laffy Taffy, because duh.

Other things we've enjoyed, but not for scheduled Special Dates:

• Downtown Farmer's Market
• Pokemon Go play
• Taking a leisurely walk together
• Going to Packers Practice
• Going to Bay Beach, Wildlife Sanctuary, or NEW Zoo
• Pumpkin carving, Easter egg decorating, Christmas cookie decorating

What have you and your significant other done to keep your relationship fun? I'd love to know! Share your (PG) date ideas in the comments below!

Those Darn Millennials

Guess who's back. Back again. Steiny's back. Tell a friend.

It's me. I'm who's back.

At Rock Fest, one of  my Fest friends made a surprising revelation to me. She shared with me that she had followed this blog for a while, and had actually tried looking for it when I stopped publishing it regularly. I was pretty floored. By the time I had lost patience with Purple Heels, or blogging not as a professional in general, I honestly didn't think anyone had read it outside my family. I heard a few times that people enjoyed reading my posts, but I didn't think much of it. I never expected someone who wasn't related to enjoy it enough to seek it out. She fueled my desire to pick it back up. I don't know if I'll ever have the patience to keep up with it at the caliber I once had, but I am hoping to update on a semi-regular basis.

My new-found motivation, paired with getting one of the biggest doses of inspiration I have had in quite some time, I found myself furiously scribbling notes on post-its at my desk today to make sure I didn't forget anything important before I got home from work. So here were are.

Working in social media marketing, I read about Millennials a lot. Like A. LOT. Every single day I read an article (or at least a headline) about how to market to Millennials, What Millennials are like as buyers, How to cater to Millennials in the work force, What Millennials expect in a work culture, How to join snapchat to reach the Millennial audience. It's to the point that I feel like people think, and then have team meetings about, "how do we get an article to go viral on LinkedIn? I know! Let's write about Millennials!" This is not a Marketing strategy. I repeat, this is NOT a viable strategy in your business.

I've also read ad nauseam how Millenials are the lazy and entitled generation. Each article I have read with those words has gotten more and more under my skin. I can not let this roll off my back any longer. I have decided to share my two cents. Will it make any difference? Of course not. But I cannot bite my tongue any longer.

I have a very important question to ask, and that is simply "Why?" Why are Millennials considered lazy? In fact, why are we known as the generation that embodies laziness? Because we desire a good work/life balance? Because we value our time as more than working our lives away? Perhaps I'm biased here, but Millennials are most certainly not lazy. We value education, and are career driven, and are passionate about our communities and the future of our nation and world. As a Millennial myself, I know very few of my peers who are only working a 40 hour week job. Almost everyone I know, in addition to working 40-50 hours behind a desk, is also in school, or working a second job, or running a direct sales business, or volunteering, or parenting, or a combination of several of these things. We may spend our free time Faceswapping in Snapchat, or hunting Pokemon, or binge-watching Netflix, but that is because that time is just that: our free time. These mindless activities come after all those other responsibilities.

Another buzzword that gets thrown around with Millennial is "entitlement." Honestly, that word makes me want to puke. That word has become one of the ultimate insults, and gets tossed out to describe just about anything. And while I certainly agree that we have as a society have grown significantly more entitled in the recent past, I am sick of hearing that the Millennial generation is the root of this. Because, quite frankly and bluntly, working in a call center for three years taught me that every other generation acted far more entitled. They were the ones who demanded all the time. Do you know how many grandparents called in demanding compensation, or to talk to a manager, or using the words "I deserve?" (By no means is this an insult to grandparents. I love mine immensely, and this is a simple observation). So, why are Millennials considered the entitled ones?  Because we want, and expect, to have a say in our options professionally? Because we want to take the best path for ourselves and our futures and refuse to settle? Because we won't back down when faced with adversity? Because we want, no expect, to be treated equally - in gender, sexuality, race, and age? If that's the case, then hell yes we're entitled. Entitled to the best lives we can ask for ourselves. And you know what? Our parents WANT that for us.

Traveling Trials and Triumphs

I know I have been pretty MIA lately, but I am back for now. As I write this, I am sitting on a deck in 60 degree weather (haha fellow Wisconsinites), gazing out at a beautiful lake and basking in the sun. I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the perfect environment for summoning creativity, I would have a hard time ever considering myself a writer.

The last five days have been so incredibly stressful and so incredibly relaxing that my head is still spinning. I took a few days vacation to make a surprise visit to my mom in Virginia. And let me tell you, this trip did not start as planned. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

I booked a bus trip from Milwaukee into Lynchburg, VA months ago. Before Christmas, even. I am not very good at keeping exciting secrets, but I managed it. I kept it not only from my mom, but from most of my family and off social media. Which, if you know me at all, not posting about it on social media was the hardest part. I was antsy and excited and impatient for the trip to start, but the day I left the nerves started. I was nervous and scared, but the anticipation outweighed the anxiety for the most part.

I got on the first bus feeling pretty darn good, despite being crammed into the bus like sardines. This was my first time outside of Wisconsin (and the UP) in years. Outside of Rock Fest and camping trips, this was my first vacation since my Civil Rights Pilgrimage my senior year of college. It was also the first time I've ever traveled by myself. Which was a big enough feat for myself as it was. I am normally far too much of a scardy cat worrier to even think of traveling by myself. But here I was, and feeling damn proud about it.

The second leg of the trip went far smoother than I could have ever expected. There were only 12 of us total on the whole coach bus, and it had far more room in between seats. Each of us got a two-seat section to ourselves to sprawl out on. Even though it was the longest part of the trip, the bus had wifi and power outlets. I had my phone and laptop to occupy myself and started watching the series Revenge. So despite it being a 9 hour drive on a bus, it wasn't that bad.

That, my friends, is where the smooth sailing ends. We got to Columbus at 1:55 a.m. to find out from the Information booth that, because of a snow storm across Ohio and West Virginia, all buses going South and East were cancelled. Indefinitely. Enter panic mode. I was only halfway through my trip, with no way to get to my destination, no idea when I could leave the bus station, and it was 2:00 in the freaking morning. I was exhausted, but I did not want to sleep in the bus station by myself. It was glaringly bright with an exceptionally loud tv, so staying awake wasn't particularly difficult. However, since it was 2 a.m. my time and 1 a.m. Wisconsin time, I couldn't even call anyone. I left text messages for when people woke up, but I knew I had several hours until that would happen. So in the mean time, I watched American Dad, The Office and two infomercials along with everyone else who was anxiously waiting.

Around 4 a.m. I asked the Information desk if they had any further information about trips going out East. The attendant told me that trips were likely not going back out until 5:00 p.m. or I could leave at 11 a.m. and get re-routed through Pittsburgh. The first option would put me in the station for 15 hours and then a 12 hour bus ride and the second would put me in the station for 9 hours with a 17 hour bus trip, Fuck that. Fuck all of that.

I kept checking the weather to see how the storm was progressing and trying to figure out any other options. I pondered the idea of getting a rental and going to Virginia on my own. I get really bad anxiety driving in inclement weather and it's also pretty bad when I don't know where I'm going. Combine the two and I knew I was in for a massive panic attack. But I knew it was that or wait in that damn terminal and sit on a bus for another half a day. I figured I'd take my chances.

I booked a rental with Enterprise, since they would be able to pick me up and bring me to their office. I had to wait until 7:30 a.m. for their office to open. It seemed to take forever, but once I had figured out my plan, I wasn't so anxious. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I just had to make the trip and tell the worry part of my brain to take a chill pill. 7:31 a.m. I called the rental agency and they said they would be there in about 10 minutes. After more than an hour of back and forth of where are they/we were waiting for you/what building are you in we finally realized that I had been calling Columbus, Georgia and not Columbus, Ohio. FFS. They gave me the number to a location in Columbus, which was not near me. They gave me the number to a location on the same street. A rep was able to pick me up within minutes. FINALLY.

I got a Dodge Challenger, which was a freakin boat of a car. But once I got used to driving it, it was actually a really nice car. The seat was raised, so I didn't have to worry about seeing over the steering wheel. Yes, that is a real problem. The heating of the car was great and it was a pretty smooth ride. So I got into the vehicle, picked up the trusty Android and said "OK Google, take me to Lynchburg, Virginia."

All in all, the drive wasn't too bad, but of course that couldn't go without hiccups either. I started off on the Interstate, but when I got off to get food, I got turned around, couldn't find a sign for I-70, and the GPS was telling me to get onto 33 East. I had no idea where I was going, so I took it. Well, 33 East was not the Interstate, but rather, an old country two lane highway. Which was not plowed very well, if at all. After about an hour on this highway with no connection to the Interstate in sight, I finally pulled off at an exit with a gas station and a Walmart. I called Man Friend in a panic not knowing where I was, if I was even going in the right direction and that I was driving through untreated roads. He worked his calming magic and within a few moments I was back on the road.

Those un-salted and un-plowed roads combined with overly cautious (and that's coming from me) drivers who have no idea how to drive in the snow added at least an hour or an hour and a half to my 6 hour drive. But I had no need to hurry, so I rolled with it. Despite my nerves, I defintely felt like a boss driver, though. I had that shit under control and knew I could handle myself way better than any of those others drivers on the road. I eventually hit the Interstate again and from there it was smooth sailing. I did hit a more sections of un-plowed highway, but then I also found sections that were immaculately plowed and salted. Oh, and I never hit any "storms," just a few flurries. I assumed I missed the storms with my delays or the storms weren't as bad as they were predicting. I never even came across more than a few inches of snow on the ground.

I FINALLY got to Lynchburg, which is about 45 minutes away from my mom's place, to drop of the rental and meet up with my mom's man friend. I pulled into the wrong driveway, but saw that it connected to the next one over through the back. I drove down, and not realizing there was a curb because of the snow, drove right over the curb and got my boat stuck on the curb. I had no idea if there is any damage to the car (there wasn't, thankfully) and couldn't get it to move. I called Mom's man friend just bawling. I didn't think anything else could go wrong in one day, but I certainly had hit my limit. He told me it wasn't a big deal, drove over, and got me over the curb seamlessly.

Once I got to my mom's, I walked right in the door and, since her back was to me, said "You got anything good to eat in this joint?" She turned around and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK!" She looked terrified. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She simply stood there, mouth gaping open. I said "Hey." and she continued to stare at me. I walked over, gave her a hug, and then it hit her. She started crying, asking what I was doing there and how long I would be there for. That was a pretty great reaction and made the previous 15 hours or so totally worth it.

I wasn't here for long, just a long weekend, but it was so incredibly relaxing. I basically spent Thursday night through Sunday night not worrying about a single thing. I got to hang out, relax, do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to worry about a busy schedule or making plans. In all honesty, I would go crazy if I didn't have the hectic schedule that I do; I like being busy. But it takes a toll on you and sometimes you just need to turn your brain off.

It was great getting to hang out with my mom and talk about everything and nothing. It is very rare that when we actually do see each other, it's just the two of us. Visiting is usually with the whole family and even when she is home, I have so many other commitments that our time together is pretty staggered anyway. This weekend we got to go shopping together and sat outside taking in the gorgeous weather and it was glorious.

Perhaps too glorious. Sunburned at the first sight of sun.

So until next time, Virginia, peace and blessings.

A Letter to Veronica Roth

I have yet to decide if I am going to keep this as an open letter online or actually send it. 

Dear Ms. Roth,

I have never written to a celebrity before. Yes, I absolutely consider best-selling novelists celebrities in their own right. I can admit I feel a little silly for doing so, knowing full well that the chances of you actually reading this are slim. Further, I understand that should this actually pass through the ranks to get to your eyes, it will be considered nothing more than any other piece of fan mail. However, the Divergent trilogy left such a strong impression that I actually felt compelled to write you.

I hopped on the Divergent bandwagon late. I am not typically a fan of young adult novels, however, upon the suggestion of family, I picked up Divergent. A cousin told me that if I enjoyed The Hunger Games trilogy, I would really love the Divergent trilogy. She said this series was even better and urged me to read it. So, in the summer of 2014, I picked up a copy of Divergent and dug in.

I read the book voraciously. Despite feeling like the opening was a carbon copy to the opening of The Hunger Games, I quickly fell in love with the book. I was drawn to the interesting dynamics of Tris’s family and her constant battle between acting Abnegation and Dauntless. I rooted for her throughout her training and anxiously hoped and waited for the budding romance between Tris and Four to erupt.  Upon finishing the first book, I picked up a copy of Insurgent on my lunch break. I read through it in two days.

My Literacy Selfie from National Literacy Day

While reading has been my favorite pastime my entire life, it is rare that I am so fully immersed in a storyline that I am actually thinking about it while not reading. If I wasn't reading this series, I was thinking about when I could start back up. I theorized about what would happen next, too eager to find out. I realized just how attached I was when I decided that a coworker looked exactly how I pictured Four to look.

Two days after beginning Insurgent, I bought Allegiant. I started it on a Saturday afternoon and by Saturday night, I had completed it. While this installment in the trilogy contained far less action than the previous two, I read the day away on the edge of my seat. I could not wait to find out what would happen; how it would end.

The only problem one encounters after reading an entire series in a week is realizing that once you look up from the pages, the world has continued going on without you. That everyone is totally oblivious to what you just experienced. You feel a little empty inside without those characters right by your side. Sometimes I even delay finishing a novel purposefully so as to delay the abandonment. However, with this trilogy, I absolutely, positively could not do that. Emotional attachment be damned, I could not wait to learn of the ending and where this storyline would go.

That ending, Ms. Roth, is entirely the reason for my writing. To be as blunt as possible, I have never been so disappointed in an ending in my 21 years of passionate reading.

I hated the way the series ended. I actually surprised myself because I was genuinely upset. More than upset, really. Embarassingly angry. For the first time in my life, upon completion of Allegiant, I hid the three books out of view and did not proudly display my completed reads on my living room bookshelf as the literary trophies they should be. I even had to wait months before writing this so I could have a clear mind instead of sounding like a rambling maniac.

Quite frankly, I strongly feel that whenever an author kills off a main character at the end is a cop out. It is an easy way to finish the story. A way to end it quickly and possibly through little explanation without drawing out the plot any further. Well, some stories just need to be told to their fullest. The characters and this storyline deserve completion. Tris’s death was a cop out. It was a cop out to your readers and she, as a character, deserved more respect than that.

I know it is a common argument that Tris’s death was the only realistic outcome. Many say that she was so invincible throughout the entire series that fate was bound to catch up with her. I’ve also heard that it was heroic for her to die and that it was really progressive for a female to die off as the heroin. While I respect and understand those reasonings, I think they’re garbage.

When I shut that paperback for the first time, tears still streaming down my face from the loss of someone I felt I personally knew, my mind started running. My initial reaction was definitely that of my 13 year-old fangirl past self. Tris and Four were supposed to be together. Love was supposed to prevail all and even if they were the last two to survive, they would make it work and rise above. After my fangirl-ness passed, I realized I was upset for more than just the lack of it ending as a love story. The amount of questions left behind is why I fully believe the ending was a cop out.

First of all, Tris’s death doesn’t make sense. As a Divergent, she is immune to all of the serums. Even though the death serum was explicitly said to be the strongest and most dangerous of all serums, as someone immune to everything else, she should have been able to survive. Tris saw herself as a martyr, but when she nearly died at the hands of Four’s mother, she realized she did not want to die. She wanted to live because she knew she had a far greater purpose alive. Why would she volunteer to take her brother’s spot when she was clearly ok with him dying to prove he actually was loyal to the family? Furthermore, she was fighting so hard to avenge her parents’ deaths. They both died to save her. Why would she go on a suicide mission when her life meant her parents died with purpose, though tragically. If she couldn’t even save herself, her parents died for nothing. They lost their lives just for her to die shortly thereafter. And just like her parents, her death led to no resolve.

Though I never appreciate a main character’s death as a way to finish the story, if the death at least has a point in the plot, I can understand it. There was not really a vengeance for Tris’s death. It didn’t make Four fight any harder or change anything in the new society. No one was fighting in her memory.

Finally, the writing style of the conclusion even felt like a cop out. I am sure the shortened and choppy paragraphs and sentences were a way to show the emptiness and change in Four. However, it felt like you were giving up, not Four. It doesn’t show that it was a different voice because his voice was sprinkled throughout the entire novel. It would have been more effective to only use Four’s voice  after Tris’s death. That would have shown a far greater difference in perspective.  The final chapters felt lackluster, as best.

I mourned the loss of Tris but I was far more perturbed that a series I enjoyed so much ended so flatly. I know you have your reasons for ending the series the way you did. Ultimately, it is your writer’s prerogative to do whatever you wish with your work, but I just want you to know that as someone who enjoys nothing more than a good read, this series turned out to be the ultimate disappointment.

Best,

Monica Steinbrecher

How to Make Your CSR Hate You

Now that I am safely out of the customer service world, I can share these helpful pointers for you to suck at being a customer. Follow these steps carefully and you will succeed at making customer service reps hate you.

Argue.

Arguing with your customer service rep is the first and best way to get them to hate you. It doesn’t matter what you argue about; just do it. If they offer you suggestions or solutions, be sure to let them know that whatever it is isn’t good enough. Let them know that this is NOT how their competitor does business. Good words to develop in your vocabulary are “no,” “that’s not enough,” “that’s not good enough,” and “this is unacceptable.”

Be Stupid.

A really great way to get your CSR to hate you is to be super stupid. If you’re actually smart, act dumb instead. I’m not talking about genuinely low intelligence; I’m talking having the common sense of a box of hair. It will also be helpful if you don’t listen or follow instructions. They typically go hand-in-hand with being stupid. Here are some good options to try:

• If you are asked your address, only give part of it. They will not need 1234 Main St. Anywhereville, Statename 12345. Try giving only 1234 Main and then sit in silence. Get mad if they ask for the rest of your address. 1234 Main is your address, after all. It’s even better if you need to go look up your zip code.

• If you need to provide any package information, make sure to not have it handy. Wait until they ask for information about your product to go look for the product. Once you find the product, insist that you can’t find anything they are asking for. If you CAN find the requested information, drastically mispronounce it. Add a few letters or syllables.

• Don’t use proper names for anything. If you are calling about a product, make up your own names for the brand names, product names or product parts. If you are calling regarding anything for healthcare, do not use anatomical names, especially for genitalia. Use slang words. Bonus points if you can make up your own slang term for a body part.

Be Demanding

This pairs PERFECTLY with your arguing, and sometimes, even with your stupidity. Start by being very loud. Your goal is to get the rep to pull his or her headset away from his or her ears. Know exactly what you want out of this conversation and demand that you get this right off the bat. Stand your ground and don’t back down for anything less. Good verbiage to use is “I expect,” “I deserve.” “I  need,” and “I am entitled to.”

If none of these things work, demand one more thing: to talk to a manager.

            

7 Struggles only non-animal lovers understand

I'm not a cat lover. Before you dog lovers celebrate your triumph, I am not a dog person either. I am not a fish person. I am not a bird person. I am not a reptile person. I am not a rodent person. Frankly, I'm not much of a people person either, but this is neither here nor there.

This may come as a surprise to some, considering the breakdown I had leaving former roomie's nuggets. They are/were (RIP Snoop) the exception to this rule. However, the exception did not include: my underwear getting chewed up, my favorite pair of shoes getting chewed up, and cleaning up poop and vomit all over the house. You may also be surprised that I don't like animals considering I am now living with a cat. Said cat and I are starting to come to an understanding, but the 5 am scratching, middle of the night face jumping and frequent vomiting are not working in her favor. I can appreciate cute animal memes because, let's face it, pictures of animals with human traits are funny. But that is where my animal appreciation ends.

This post is for anyone else who has ever heard the offended gasp, "what do you mean you don't like animals?!" Because I know you're out there.

How I look when someone wants me to pet their dog

• I don't appreciate your animal touching me. I am actually terrified of dogs jumping on and scratching me. And it's not funny when this does happen. Please get your animal off me when I'm frozen in fear/angst/disgust/panic/annoyance. 
• The shedding. Seriously, HOW is there hair EVERYWHERE?! I didn't even touch the animal and I have hair woven into and stuck to every piece of clothing I own. Why is no one else bothered by this?
• The animal food aisle(s) in stores smell like ass. I have to hold my breath walking past and/or through these or I start to gag. Sick. 
• The noises. Why is every single bark, meow, chirps or scratch so damn loud? And can't they do it in another room? 
• No, I don't want to pet your approaching dog. I don't care if it's "super friendly." I'm backing up because I don't want to touch it, no matter how many assurances you give. Now kindly take it the fuck away from me. 
• Slobber is frickin disgusting. I don't want to be slobbered on, nor do I want to touch that filthy ball covered in slime. 
• Animals can sense you don't like them. I cannot count how many times an animal is magnetized to me and everyone says "Oh he can tell you don't like him!" Well then why the fuck does he want to be by me? I have zero desire to be around people who blatantly don't like me.

The struggle is real.

I'll Have a Big Bowl of Happiness, Please.

Alright, so it's been another month since my last post. Almost a month exactly, now that I look at my stats. I know that when I had posted then I had every intention of getting back here more regularly. Intentions don't go very far, apparently.  Anyway, for the first time in ever, I have been preoccupied with a flood of good news. You read that right. GOOD NEWS.

So much has been going better than I could have ever imagined that it's been a little overwhelming. It's hard to keep a smooth train of thought here, but I'll try my best.

I'll start with the biggest news. I accepted a job offer! YOU GUYS. I will be working full time. With benefits.

When I had written last, I had been at one of the lowest moments of my life. Worrying about paying my bills on unemployment and what I was going to do caused me to be the most stressed I had ever been. And the massive amounts of job rejections absolutely destroyed me. The longer I searched for jobs, the more of a wreck I became. Seriously, I was just a mess. I genuinely don't know how anyone put up with me. I couldn't even stand myself.

Miraculously, I got the job offer in the very knick of time. We're talking less than a week before my end date at my now former job. It could not have been more perfect timing. And the absolute best part is that I will be doing exactly what I want. The position is exactly what I've been dreaming and hoping for. I will be a Social Media Marketing Manager for a company that basically does fundraising for non-profits. Perfect, right? I will be salaried, with benefits (YOU GUYS. Health Insurance!), and it's all of seven minutes away from my apartment. See you later commuting! It seems to be a pretty casual work environment and from the interaction that I've already had, I can already tell it will be a good fit for me.

When I got the job offer (which, by the way, was all of an hour and a half after my interview), I experienced such a huge rush of emotions. I delicately hung up the phone to ensure that my boss to be was indeed off the line, threw myself into Man Friend's arms and laugh-cried for about five minutes straight. I was so happy that Man Friend happened to be home at the time, because I actually got to share that moment with him. Experiencing one of the most life-changing moments alone would have been so disappointing.  Plus, it only seemed fitting that the person who experienced all of my lows from job searching, and all of my defeat and self-loathing get to be with me for the turn-around.

Getting that job offer was almost an immediate switch in my demeanor and outlook. When I called my mom to share the good news, she told me she hadn't heard me that happy in a long, long time. I agreed. I said, "Mom, I haven't been this happy since I graduated college four years ago." I had told a coworker the next day and she said she had never seen me with such a huge smile on my face. She was also right. My anxiety level has decreased astronomically. Now that is not to say that at the drop of a hat I was anxiety-free. I will always be an anxious person. I will always worry and will always stress. But the fact that it has decreased so much feels fantastic. I truly feel like myself again. I have been sleeping through the night. I was surprised at how quickly my face cleared up. And perhaps the best part of all: I haven't opened Career Builder or Indeed once. I had been spending 10 to 15 hours a week job searching and now that time has opened up for me to actually do things I enjoy. I have been able to read and devote more time to Mary Kay.

While we're on the topic of Mary Kay, that has been a pretty big contribution to my happiness. I know I've stated this before, but joining truly has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. And I've been pretty successful thus far. I've been so successful because I have worked my ass off and really pushed myself to do well. But I push myself because I WANT to succeed. I enjoy everything I do so much that it doesn't seem like a second job. Yes, the extra money is nice, but it's so much more than that to me. I have so much fun at my appointments, my team is so encouraging and positive. I walk out of a meeting and feel like I can do anything. Pushing myself has paid off not only financially, but in reaching my goals. I reached my monthly goal twice in a row of making Inner Circle, which means selling at least $600 wholesale a month. And as I near the end of my first quarter with the company, I am very close to making Star Consultant, which means three months in a row of selling the $600. If I make it, I will get huge recognition and a free prize.  And I like prizes.

I had made my second month of Inner Circle in the same week that I accepted the job offer for the full-time job. So talk about good feelings all over. It made me finally feel great about myself. I could finally say that all of my hard work was paying off. I was proud of myself and all of my effort. I had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of myself. Seeing that in writing makes me realize how sad that is. If someone else said that to me about his or her self, I would feel so...bad.

I officially start the new job on Monday and the end of the Star Quarter is the day before. Stay tuned to hear all about both!

I'm Back!

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers! It has been quite some time since I posted last, more than two months in fact. Alas, I have not yet fallen off the face of the earth. I've really missed being out here in the blogosphere and I'm glad to be back in. Unfortunately, with the stress of the last few months, I have not had much time to do what I love the most: read and write. I know, I know, you can always MAKE time to do what you enjoy, make it a priority. But lately when I actually have free time, all I want to do is lay on the couch and become part of the living dead in front of the tv. I've actually got one night during the week that is dedicated just to watching tv. It's the one night that I force myself to relax for a few hours. It usually doesn't work and I find myself job searching or working on commercials out of guilt. What does my tv night consist of, you ask? It's Wednesday at starts with The Middle and Suburgatory then a rapid change of channel to Law and Order: SVU and Chicago PD. Oh, and wine. Duh.

Since there have been so many highs and lows in the last two months, I thought I'd bring you all up to speed. You're WELCOME, social media creepers. I'll start with the good news first, since I'd like to think my life isn't entirely a mess.

At the end of February, I joined Mary Kay, Inc. as an Independent Beauty Consultant. At the time of joining I was really excited and felt totally great about my decision. I had no idea, however, just how much of an impact it was going to make in my life. It is such a fantastic organization to be a part of and I could not be any happier that I joined. It's definitely been one of the better decisions I've made. So, plus 1 for Mon. I was nervous at first, but is anyone really surprised by this? I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I worry about EVERYTHING. And I don't take risks. At all. I wrote all about this unfortunate flaw of mine here for your recollection. What if I didn't sell enough to make it worth it? What if I couldn't get customers? What if I royally sucked? I was worried about investing money into setting up a business for myself. I don't really like to spend money on myself as it is, let alone in large quantities. To put it into perspective, buying a complete outfit for myself is a little terrifying. But fortunately for me and my business, Man Friend was a wonderful support system for me. He convinced me to order the start-up inventory and thank goodness he did. It's amazing being able to have at least some of my product for people right away, both for the client's sake and for my sanity. Man Friend looked at me and said I just spent the same amount of money on a computer, something I will get nothing back out of. You can spend this money on start-up inventory and then make a profit off it. That's all it took to put it into perspective for me.

The greatest thing to ever come to me by mail

Joining the Mary Kay community was not only a great decision for me to have control over my own business, but also for everything it has done for me on a personal level. For starters, it gives me extra money. Extra moo-lah is always a good thing, but it my current situation, it is a necessity. (More on that later). Before joining, I had contemplated getting a part time job, but it just didn't make sense with my hectic schedule. Not too many places are ok with such limited availability. Not to mention, the last time I had two places of employment, I burned myself out. But with Mary Kay, it is so much different. I have team meetings on Mondays, but scheduling appointments is entirely up to me. I work around my schedule and offer times for consultations when I'm free. I don't have to worry about asking off for busy weekends or nights with plans, as I would have to working a second job in retail or something of the sort. Never in my life have I ever had a job where I was encouraged and complimented so much in my life. My director is always telling me I look great or that she loves the outfit I'm wearing. I've never had a position in which I had so much encouragement. My director and team mates are constant cheerleaders for everyone. I am congratulated every time I meet my goals. I'm encouraged that I can make my goals and encouraged that I can do anything that I set out to. It's amazing what something so simple as "I'm so proud of you" can do. My cheerleaders are a great source of positivity, but what's really done wonders has been just seeing what I can do. I have zero problem talking in front of people, but I surprised myself at how quickly I learned my demo routine and how comfortable I got giving it. In just under two months on my own, I am using my note cards less and less and I can tell what a huge difference there's been since my first party. I am so much more confident, which is something I never thought I'd see in myself. My self esteem is slowly creeping up and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

I wish I could say that's the only reason I haven't been here much lately: that I am so busy with my success with Mary Kay that I don't have the time. But to stay true to myself and to reality, I have to share the bad with the good.

As I've written before, I am very close to losing my "full time" job. The stress on this has been so horrendous on me that it has over taken my life. I sleep like shit, have nightmares frequently, have gained even more weight and have breakouts all over my body like no one's business. I'm crabby all the fucking time, I'm miserable, and snap at people doing nothing but good for me. I can't even remember the last time that I went one week without a sobbing fit. I am terrified of unemployment. Despite the fact that I have joined Mary Kay, I am not yet to the place in my business that I can consider it a full time job. I need it to supplement the money that I am making outside it. I am fairly certain I will be eligible for unemployment, but that just won't cut it. I am terrified about being able to pay all my bills. I know everything always works out somehow, but the waiting until that happens may just be the end of me.

It's a good thing that Mary Kay brings me up so much, because job searching has brought me down to an ultimate low. It is the most defeating, soul-crushing experience I have ever had. I have applied to 219 jobs since October of 2011 and am just not getting anything but rejections. Or worse, not even a rejection but not hearing back at all. That happens far more than I ever thought. I've gotten professional resume help on more than one occasion, I scour LinkedIn like it's going out of style and have gotten referrals from employees at the companies I've applied to. Nothing helps. I either have too much or not enough experience, even when my experience matches the posting. Never before in my life have I felt like I wasn't good enough for something. Never before have I felt so kicked-when-I'm-down. Everyone keeps telling me that the perfect job will happen and I just need to wait for it. That it will come to me, rather than me looking for it. I wholeheartedly agree with this. However, I can't exactly rely on fate when I'm about to be flat-on-my-ass broke.

Besides the daily stress of the job search, the last two weeks have been nearly unbearable. The brother of a very close friend passed away recently. It was unexpected and absolutely devastating to everyone around him, but obviously inexplicably so for his immediate family. He had been so young, had so much to live for and was just...gone. While it is always tragic for someone so young to pass, this had to be one of the hardest I've dealt with. I've known this man most of my life, as his brother and I have been friends since the fifth grade. The brothers and their sister were inseparable and it was gut-wrenching watching them grieve. I do have to say, though, that despite the funeral being so incredibly difficult, it was the most personal funeral I had ever been to. The family truly gave remembrance to their son and brother by making it reflect his life. We all wore Harley apparel and music like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was played. It was a great way to remember him the way he would have wanted.

My tribute

Things I Wish I Could Say to My Teenage Self

Sometimes, inspiration comes in funny ways. This afternoon, I got hit with some after listening to an old New Found Glory cd. Perhaps appropriate as a Throw Back Thursday notion. I started thinking of my high school years, inevitably, as these years were the height of my angsty, pop-punk years. And after having a pretty severe case of writer's block mixed with job searching that has taken over my soul and life, the ideas started pouring out of my head. The downfall to always getting the best ideas during my drive home is that by design of being in a moving vehicle, I do not have a place to get these ideas out. So the replaying over and over again ensues. Which eventually turns into talking to myself to ensure that I don't forget what I need to jot down. If the sound of hearing my own voice didn't creep me out so much I'd record myself.

Without further ado, Things I wish I could say to my teen-aged self:

• Spend less time not giving a shit and more time getting your homework done. On time. 

• APPLY YOURSELF! You are very smart, but half-assing the work is not the same as doing your best.

• Stick with writing for the school newspaper for more than one article.

• Life after graduation is no where near what you expect it to be. Life after college and a degree is not even close to what you think it is.

• Resumes and cover letters will turn out to be the bane of your existence.

• You are not really as much of a badass as you think you are. But keep the attitude and mindset that you are.

• It will take you a long time to figure out how to have a verbal filter. Try harder now and it will be easier down the road.

• Most of the people you hated in high school still suck. The people who picked on you are losers going nowhere with their lives.

• You will fall in love more than once. You won't end up with any of these boys, but each one of them will always carry a special place in your heart.

• Do not allow yourself to change for a relationship and do not lose sight of who you really are.

• Trust me, you are NOT fat. Someday, you will look back and wish that you were the size you are now.

• Invest in some body tape. Right in front of your friend's boyfriend, your boob will pop out entirely in this dress:

• Stop picking at your acne and blemishes. Stop touching them. Just stop touching your face. You will be left with scars and regret.

• Do NOT give up playing guitar. 

  

  See how much you love it?

• Despite all of the angsty poetry you write now, you will grow to hate poetry in college. In fact, after finishing school, you will not write a poem again.

• As soon as you stop knowing everything, your parents will stop being the world's biggest idiots. Have patience with your dad because your relationship will strengthen exponentially when you turn 21 and he sees you as an adult.

• Sex gets a LOT better with practice.

Why I Would Suck at The Bachelor

Guys, I have been sucked in to The Bachelor cult. I don't know why. I'm not a reality TV junkie by any means and I particularly do not enjoy "trying to find love" reality shows. It's not even good programming. I will even go so far as to say it's really stupid. But, props to the network/producers/directors, because they got a non-believer hooked.

During last week's episode, I jokingly told Man Friend that if I was ever single, I would go on the show just to get a free ride to beautiful locations around the world. Which was immediately followed by how much of a bad decision it would be to put me on this kind of show. For reasons unknown to me, the idea of this is apparently very intriguing to me. I have spent am embarrassing amount of time in the last week thinking of what a fail it would be for me to be a contestant. So I might as well share with you.

Why I would suck at The Bachelor:

• This might come as a shock, but I kind of have an attitude problem. I'm fairly certain that all of my confessional time would consist of me rolling my eyes and saying things like "Is this real life?," "Did that just fucking happen?" and "I'm missing Rock Fest for this and didn't even get a rose? Un. Real."

• I have zero facial feature filter. While I can control my word vomit, at the very least until the person in question is out of ear shot, my face has not quite caught up. It's kind of a problem. 

• I have ZERO tolerance for stupid people. If you are dumber than a box of hair, I am GOING to judge you for it. And I'm going to make fun of you. Not even sorry.

• I am kind of weird. I really don't mind being alone, I listen to music that is considered rare for girls to listen to in some circles, and I have kind of an odd/dry/sarcastic sense of humor. People sometimes don't get me and I foresee that being the case when shoved in a house with a bunch of strange, I mean new, women.

• I am a Grammar Nazi like nobody's business. I absolutely will correct your speech. I can (sometimes) get away with it with the people who know me. Mostly because I figure they have just accepted it's who I am and to just take it. However, I don't think it it would go over so well when trying to compete  with 15 other women for the affection and recognition of one single man. Not to mention, that is exactly what would get aired of me over and over. I would really look like a bitch.

• I am the messiest eater known to mankind. Trying to charm a man and show him how awesome I am over dinner would really translate into losing my meal all over my outfit, table, chair and the floor. In my 25 years of life, I have not yet conquered the feat of proper food intake. And I would embarrass the shit out of myself on national television.

• I would never have the patience to always be camera ready. I'm sure I would take the time and make the effort to look nice when going on a one-on-one date, much like I do in real life before going on a date. But I could never be always ready for a camera to catch me. I don't even blow dry my hair for work. No way I could always have my hair/makeup/outfit ready at all times. Then I would see myself after the show aired and be embarrassed that I look like such a slob.

• I do not have the body. I especially do not have the pool/beach body that all the women do (at least the women since I've started watching). The women I see all have wonderfully flat stomachs and seemingly no problems being in a bikini. This is not meant to be a bash on myself, nor am I looking for anyone to correct me. While I know that I am not obese, I am also fully aware that I do not have the kind of body that should be on national television in a two piece bathing suit. Even if I did have said body type, I would be so nervous and self conscious that I would probably be in the corner hiding out and drinking a bottle of wine.

Does anyone else have anything that they just know would be an awful idea for them to do? Share away!

Sucky and Super 2013: A Recap

Hello Dear Readers. I know, I know. It's been a while since you've heard from me last. I've been busy with holiday craziness, but mostly have been going through some really rough stuff. I've been struggling with how to deal and if or how I want to talk about it. But I'm in the acceptance stage so after a lot of turmoil I hope to be back on track doing important things other than sulking and having panic attacks. I'll explain later.

I started New Years of 2012 and 2013 both by thinking this year has GOT to be better than last. And neither one really was. In fact, 2013 was pretty miserable. Now that's not to say that there weren't moments that I enjoyed last year. I had some pretty great times, but unfortunately, there were a lot more things that sucked. But life is always a fighting battle. Without tough times, you never really appreciate the good. I know that's really easy to say, but I'm working on believing my own words. Maybe this will be the year I start practicing what I preach. Maybe.

Anyway, a recap of 2013:

Sucky:

• January. 
• Yup, all of it. After overcoming the worst flu/sickness I've had since having mono my freshman year of college, Roomie accepted a job offer in Boston. Which meant moving. Do you remember how much I hate moving? I'll give you a hint: it's a lot. Regardless, moving brought out a lot more struggles than I had ever anticipated. We had about a week and a half to get everything packed and get out of the house. It was pretty short notice for both of us but it also meant I had to find a place to live and very quickly. You never realize how much work packing a house is until you have a very small deadline to do so. Then my grandma's man friend passed away. He had been very ill and as hard as it is to say so, it started becoming expected. But that did not change the gravity of the situation. Grandma's man friend, or her Special Friend, as she called him, had been a part of our family since I was in 8th grade-ish. It was a real struggle watching him suffer for so long and really hard losing him. It was even harder knowing my grandma had lost him. She lost my grandpa to cancer at a young age and here she had to say goodbye to another partner all over again. 

• An old friend's passing
• The friend and I had lost touch in recent years, but his death strongly affected me. We grew apart mostly after my ex and I broke up. Without the ex in the picture, we didn't really hang out much. We would chat sometimes when we ran into each other at parties or bars, but the friendship just wasn't the same because we only knew each other because of the ex. However, when I was with my ex, we spent a lot of time together. We hung out often when I was home from college at house parties or going for motorcycle rides. The friend passed away in such a heartbreaking and honorable way that I still have a hard time accepting it. He had completed at least two (maybe three?) tours overseas and was finally home, or at least for the time. He and  a friend were driving and stopped to help a vehicle on the side of the highway. While helping the strangers, he got hit by another vehicle. After fighting in ICU, he passed about a week later. His death was so sad; his family and friends devastated by the loss of someone they loved. He was so young and always so full of fun and laughter. Losing someone at any age is always hard, but when someone in their 20s with so much life ahead of them passes it's heartbreaking.

(Ok, the worst of the worst of the year is done. Everything else seems petty in comparison to two deaths, but I can't discount the rest)

• My closest friends moving away. 
• From February to May, my closest friends scattered across the country. Roomie to Boston, The Walking Dead couple Dallas and Florence, SC and another to Madison, WI. I grew up with two of them and the other two joined in college and high school, respectively. I've been friends with them the majority of our lives and aside from going off to college, we've been inseparable. Even when we were scattered across Wisconsin for school, we never lost touch and got together as often as we could. I am certain that is why we are even closer now than we ever were as kids or teens. Saying goodbye to them all was a huge struggle for me. I felt so lonely without them. I cried. A lot. Then I cried because I missed the nuggets, which I never ever in my life expected. When I finally thought I could handle it, something little would trigger emotions all over again and without warning, I was Niagra Falls. Take for instance, passing The Walking Dead Couple's apartment one night. I wasn't even thinking about missing them, but without skipping a beat, in the middle of my sentence, I started bawling for at least 15 minutes. When the friends were all home in October and had to leave all at once instead of spread apart, it was unexpectedly a lot worse. 

Our last night together before the moves started

Reunited...and it feels so good!

• Ending a friendship
• One of Man Friend's close friends turned into a completely different person after breaking up with his girlfriend. Since it's not my fight or loss of friendship, it's not really my place to go into detail. But to make an incredibly long story short, the ex friend decided that he was no longer going to be friends with any of the people in the whole crowd because of something super petty. He made some really douchebag moves and it's entirely on his shoulders that he lost some of his closest friends. For a while it was kind of a touchy subject and I know a lot of people were really hurt by his actions. But now it's just comical and life has moved on smoothly enough without him.

• The outsourced meeting
• At 9:15 a.m. on Thursday, December 12, 2013 my department found out that it will be outsourced. As of April, 2014, Consumer Services Department will be operating out of Peoria, IL. We had known that this was a possibility for a few months, but the finality of the decision was awful. I panicked. What the hell would I do? I don't think it's been any secret that it is far from my dream job and being a temp without job security has eaten away at me every day for more than two and a half years. But as long as I have this temp job while searching for something permanent, I at least have a paycheck coming in. But now even that could be taken away from me. I had a million and ten emotions and thoughts whirling through my head. If I had to go on unemployment, how would I survive? How would I manage? I've been actively job searching since August of 2011 and if I haven't found anything in that time, how was I going to find something in only 4 months? I thought I was going to throw up. I cried. A lot. In front of all my coworkers and managers. Pretty embarrassing. I was a fucking wreck. A week after The Meeting, I had the best pep talk from my dad that I had ever gotten from anyone, but especially from him. I'm still struggling a lot and still worry every day more than what my body can handle, but it's a tiny bit easier with my dad's voice in my ear to push me through. 

Frankly, I don't know how I don't have ulcers after this year. Seriously.

But I have had some good moments, which absolutely cannot go without mentioning:

Super:

• Moving in with Man Friend
• Moving in to our own place has been the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Instead of having to schedule our time together, we get to see each other every single day. We get to cook for each other and eat meals together at the kitchen table. We go grocery shopping together sometimes (although that has halted because we drive each other crazy in the store). When we want to tell each other something, we don't have to call, text or hope to remember it when the other comes over. We can walk into the next room. Or turn around from our desk. We can sleep next to each other every night instead of most weekends. It's a major sense of comfort being able to fall asleep next to the one you love the most every single night. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it. He is the last thing I hear every night and the first thing I hear in the morning. By no means was moving in together a seamless transition. We fought. We argued over dumb things.We had to learn how to communicate with each other in a new way. We had to make compromises. I sulked. I slammed doors. I got pissed off and expected him to know exactly why I was mad and how to handle it exactly the way I wanted him to. But I wouldn't want to learn how to live with anyone else. Adjusting to each other and the arguments that arise can never compare to being able to spend a night watching tv together, not worrying about making it home by a certain time to go to bed on a week night or having a romantic meal and movie for date night in.

• Becoming a Big
• Becoming a Big was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Probably top five. My Little has already taught me so much and I can only hope she feels the same about me. We have so much fun together and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her, despite the fact that she's "just" a child. I look forward to our meetings every week. I can only hope that my mentorship is making a positive impact on her life. I can tell a huge difference in our relationship since we were first matched around May. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. Well, aside from her being the pickiest eater I have ever encountered in my life. But we have so much fun together making crafts, making and decorating treats and going out on outings to experience the community. And we make pretty awesome things like these reindeer treats:

Deep Thoughts with The Walking Dead

SPOILER ALERT!! If you have not seen season 4's mid-season finale, do not continue reading! I am not going to be responsible for ruining it for you. If you are all caught up, then by all means, please continue on.

So Man Friend and I watched the mid-season finale a few days after it aired. We were both a bit anxious and eager, knowing that something big was going to happen. Everyone getting sick and Carol killing two people, thus getting her kicked out, have been the biggest things to happen for a while. Plus, with a big episode, there has to be something very suspenseful. Before the episode started, Man Friend said that he bet someone was going to die and we placed our bets against each other on who we thought it was going to be. I victoriously threw my hands in the air and yelled "THE GOVERNOR!!" But then was like, "Nah. As much as I want him dead, I doubt it will happen. Too many people love to hate him and he always adds something more to the story." Man Friend's bet was for Rick or Herschel. We debated a little and I said there would be no way they'd kill off Rick. He's the face of the show and without him, the prison group won't mean much.

Well. We both ended up right. Man Friend was a little more logical about it. He was upset by the death of Herschel and was even a little quiet after the show saying that he was so mad he was right. He said he felt the same way when they killed off Dale earlier about killing off the good guy/the voice of reason/ a really likable character. I was not exactly as rational. As soon as the governor beheaded him, I started sobbing. Uncontrollably sobbing.  I know I cry very easily at fictional events, but this was easily the hardest I have ever cried at something that wasn't real. Because it felt so real. I have such an emotional attachment to these characters that I feel so connected to them. I feel a part of this. Unhealthy or not, there it is. Anyway, here is what I sounded like on and off for a solid half hour, at least. "I hate the governor. I HATE HIM! I hate him so much! I hate this stupid show. I hate the writers of this stupid show. I'm never watching this again. I'm going to leave a flaming pile of dog poop on their front porch. I hate you for making me watch this stupid show. I hate this show. I hate the governor. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KILL HERSCHEL? Why couldn't it have just been a swift bullet to the head? Why did it have to be so cruel to chop off his head? And his daughters had to watch it! Herschel was SUCH a good character! I hate the governor and this stupid show. I'm so glad the governor is finally dead, but he died too easily. I wish Michonne could have made him a walker. Or poked out his other eye at least. But at least he's dead." Guys, I know that it's "just" a tv show. I know.

One of my favorite parts about the show and the prison crew is how insanely in sync they all are with each other and how much every single one of them has each other's back no matter what. As soon as Herschel died, every single person standing outside the prison started shooting and fighting back for what's theirs and for Herschel. The people inside the prison gathered everyone up and into the bus immediately. One of the most bad ass things, though, was when the young girl, Carol's prodigy so to speak, took control of the other girls. She said that Carol had taught them and they should have guns too. When she started shooting, I thought she was Carl. And threw my arms in the air and yelled "YES!" when I realized it was her. I was so oddly proud of her for that. For listening to Carl. For being so brave. And when Maggie threw Beth's words back at her and said "We don't get to be upset. We all have a job to do." For some reason, that moment between the two sisters was just so powerful to me.

After watching the mid-season finale and somehow calming myself down, we turned to Netflix to watch some older episodes. Since I still have not seen most of season 1 and half of season 2, Man Friend is insistent that I watch all of it for better understanding of the show and the characters' past. We picked up where I left off, which was episode 3 of season 1. Although I do appreciate being able to see how the characters and the show has progressed to what I watch now, it's hard for me to go back in time, essentially, to the start of it all. The worst part was being like, well, she's dead, he's dead, he's dead. All of these people are dead! Why am I watching this now? It was really interesting, and actually kind of comical, to see how the interaction and view of the walkers has changed so much. In the current episodes, the characters take out the walkers with such ease. And they are such badasses about it. Darryl with his bow, Rick and Carl with the guns, especially. They are all such fighters now and so little scares them. One person can take out a slew of walkers in one fell swoop. The episode we were watching, a walker got to the camp and it was the first time one had gotten so close to them. It took four of them, at least, to cut its head off before Darryl finally walked up an explained they have to get them in the brain. It was really amusing seeing them all suck so much at it.

The biggest change I think is the evolution of Carol. Can we please talk about that? I think watching her evolve throughout the seasons in chronological order would have been really cool. Watching her grow to the person she's become would have been so much more awesome knowing how she started. Seeing her go from such an independent, strong, confident and courageous person in season 4 to the weak, terrified person in season 1 was really hard. Painful, in fact. Where we left off with her, she had been kicked out of the group with a car and supplies to be on her own. I'm sure she will come back. I'm almost confident she will come back now that the prison group has split up and will probably save someone. And when she does make a reappearance, I'm sure it'll show that she was sad to leave her prison family and worried to be on her own until she found a new group. But the thing is, she left at Rick's wish. He told her she was strong enough to make it, and she is. She's a survivor and will still live no matter where she is or who she's with. I don't know if season 1 Carol could have done that. If she had been kicked out of the group in the early days, how would she have reacted? Begged for forgiveness and tried to stay at any cost? I watched this frail woman cry over her abusive husband when he got his ass kicked for beating her. It was as if I had just watched a completely different person.

And now, I have to wait another two months to see what's going to happen next. I can't handle this kind of stress. My heart is racing a little just thinking about it.