7 Struggles only non-animal lovers understand

I'm not a cat lover. Before you dog lovers celebrate your triumph, I am not a dog person either. I am not a fish person. I am not a bird person. I am not a reptile person. I am not a rodent person. Frankly, I'm not much of a people person either, but this is neither here nor there.

This may come as a surprise to some, considering the breakdown I had leaving former roomie's nuggets. They are/were (RIP Snoop) the exception to this rule. However, the exception did not include: my underwear getting chewed up, my favorite pair of shoes getting chewed up, and cleaning up poop and vomit all over the house. You may also be surprised that I don't like animals considering I am now living with a cat. Said cat and I are starting to come to an understanding, but the 5 am scratching, middle of the night face jumping and frequent vomiting are not working in her favor. I can appreciate cute animal memes because, let's face it, pictures of animals with human traits are funny. But that is where my animal appreciation ends.

This post is for anyone else who has ever heard the offended gasp, "what do you mean you don't like animals?!" Because I know you're out there.

How I look when someone wants me to pet their dog

• I don't appreciate your animal touching me. I am actually terrified of dogs jumping on and scratching me. And it's not funny when this does happen. Please get your animal off me when I'm frozen in fear/angst/disgust/panic/annoyance. 
• The shedding. Seriously, HOW is there hair EVERYWHERE?! I didn't even touch the animal and I have hair woven into and stuck to every piece of clothing I own. Why is no one else bothered by this?
• The animal food aisle(s) in stores smell like ass. I have to hold my breath walking past and/or through these or I start to gag. Sick. 
• The noises. Why is every single bark, meow, chirps or scratch so damn loud? And can't they do it in another room? 
• No, I don't want to pet your approaching dog. I don't care if it's "super friendly." I'm backing up because I don't want to touch it, no matter how many assurances you give. Now kindly take it the fuck away from me. 
• Slobber is frickin disgusting. I don't want to be slobbered on, nor do I want to touch that filthy ball covered in slime. 
• Animals can sense you don't like them. I cannot count how many times an animal is magnetized to me and everyone says "Oh he can tell you don't like him!" Well then why the fuck does he want to be by me? I have zero desire to be around people who blatantly don't like me.

The struggle is real.