How to Make Your CSR Hate You

Now that I am safely out of the customer service world, I can share these helpful pointers for you to suck at being a customer. Follow these steps carefully and you will succeed at making customer service reps hate you.

Argue.

Arguing with your customer service rep is the first and best way to get them to hate you. It doesn’t matter what you argue about; just do it. If they offer you suggestions or solutions, be sure to let them know that whatever it is isn’t good enough. Let them know that this is NOT how their competitor does business. Good words to develop in your vocabulary are “no,” “that’s not enough,” “that’s not good enough,” and “this is unacceptable.”

Be Stupid.

A really great way to get your CSR to hate you is to be super stupid. If you’re actually smart, act dumb instead. I’m not talking about genuinely low intelligence; I’m talking having the common sense of a box of hair. It will also be helpful if you don’t listen or follow instructions. They typically go hand-in-hand with being stupid. Here are some good options to try:

• If you are asked your address, only give part of it. They will not need 1234 Main St. Anywhereville, Statename 12345. Try giving only 1234 Main and then sit in silence. Get mad if they ask for the rest of your address. 1234 Main is your address, after all. It’s even better if you need to go look up your zip code.

• If you need to provide any package information, make sure to not have it handy. Wait until they ask for information about your product to go look for the product. Once you find the product, insist that you can’t find anything they are asking for. If you CAN find the requested information, drastically mispronounce it. Add a few letters or syllables.

• Don’t use proper names for anything. If you are calling about a product, make up your own names for the brand names, product names or product parts. If you are calling regarding anything for healthcare, do not use anatomical names, especially for genitalia. Use slang words. Bonus points if you can make up your own slang term for a body part.

Be Demanding

This pairs PERFECTLY with your arguing, and sometimes, even with your stupidity. Start by being very loud. Your goal is to get the rep to pull his or her headset away from his or her ears. Know exactly what you want out of this conversation and demand that you get this right off the bat. Stand your ground and don’t back down for anything less. Good verbiage to use is “I expect,” “I deserve.” “I  need,” and “I am entitled to.”

If none of these things work, demand one more thing: to talk to a manager.