During last week's episode, I jokingly told Man Friend that if I was ever single, I would go on the show just to get a free ride to beautiful locations around the world. Which was immediately followed by how much of a bad decision it would be to put me on this kind of show. For reasons unknown to me, the idea of this is apparently very intriguing to me. I have spent am embarrassing amount of time in the last week thinking of what a fail it would be for me to be a contestant. So I might as well share with you.
Why I would suck at The Bachelor:
- This might come as a shock, but I kind of have an attitude problem. I'm fairly certain that all of my confessional time would consist of me rolling my eyes and saying things like "Is this real life?," "Did that just fucking happen?" and "I'm missing Rock Fest for this and didn't even get a rose? Un. Real."
- I have zero facial feature filter. While I can control my word vomit, at the very least until the person in question is out of ear shot, my face has not quite caught up. It's kind of a problem.
- I have ZERO tolerance for stupid people. If you are dumber than a box of hair, I am GOING to judge you for it. And I'm going to make fun of you. Not even sorry.
- I am kind of weird. I really don't mind being alone, I listen to music that is considered rare for girls to listen to in some circles, and I have kind of an odd/dry/sarcastic sense of humor. People sometimes don't get me and I foresee that being the case when shoved in a house with a bunch of strange, I mean new, women.
- I am a Grammar Nazi like nobody's business. I absolutely will correct your speech. I can (sometimes) get away with it with the people who know me. Mostly because I figure they have just accepted it's who I am and to just take it. However, I don't think it it would go over so well when trying to compete with 15 other women for the affection and recognition of one single man. Not to mention, that is exactly what would get aired of me over and over. I would really look like a bitch.
- I am the messiest eater known to mankind. Trying to charm a man and show him how awesome I am over dinner would really translate into losing my meal all over my outfit, table, chair and the floor. In my 25 years of life, I have not yet conquered the feat of proper food intake. And I would embarrass the shit out of myself on national television.
- I would never have the patience to always be camera ready. I'm sure I would take the time and make the effort to look nice when going on a one-on-one date, much like I do in real life before going on a date. But I could never be always ready for a camera to catch me. I don't even blow dry my hair for work. No way I could always have my hair/makeup/outfit ready at all times. Then I would see myself after the show aired and be embarrassed that I look like such a slob.
- I do not have the body. I especially do not have the pool/beach body that all the women do (at least the women since I've started watching). The women I see all have wonderfully flat stomachs and seemingly no problems being in a bikini. This is not meant to be a bash on myself, nor am I looking for anyone to correct me. While I know that I am not obese, I am also fully aware that I do not have the kind of body that should be on national television in a two piece bathing suit. Even if I did have said body type, I would be so nervous and self conscious that I would probably be in the corner hiding out and drinking a bottle of wine.
Does anyone else have anything that they just know would be an awful idea for them to do? Share away!
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