Sucky and Super 2013: A Recap

Hello Dear Readers. I know, I know. It's been a while since you've heard from me last. I've been busy with holiday craziness, but mostly have been going through some really rough stuff. I've been struggling with how to deal and if or how I want to talk about it. But I'm in the acceptance stage so after a lot of turmoil I hope to be back on track doing important things other than sulking and having panic attacks. I'll explain later.

I started New Years of 2012 and 2013 both by thinking this year has GOT to be better than last. And neither one really was. In fact, 2013 was pretty miserable. Now that's not to say that there weren't moments that I enjoyed last year. I had some pretty great times, but unfortunately, there were a lot more things that sucked. But life is always a fighting battle. Without tough times, you never really appreciate the good. I know that's really easy to say, but I'm working on believing my own words. Maybe this will be the year I start practicing what I preach. Maybe.

Anyway, a recap of 2013:

Sucky:

• January. 
• Yup, all of it. After overcoming the worst flu/sickness I've had since having mono my freshman year of college, Roomie accepted a job offer in Boston. Which meant moving. Do you remember how much I hate moving? I'll give you a hint: it's a lot. Regardless, moving brought out a lot more struggles than I had ever anticipated. We had about a week and a half to get everything packed and get out of the house. It was pretty short notice for both of us but it also meant I had to find a place to live and very quickly. You never realize how much work packing a house is until you have a very small deadline to do so. Then my grandma's man friend passed away. He had been very ill and as hard as it is to say so, it started becoming expected. But that did not change the gravity of the situation. Grandma's man friend, or her Special Friend, as she called him, had been a part of our family since I was in 8th grade-ish. It was a real struggle watching him suffer for so long and really hard losing him. It was even harder knowing my grandma had lost him. She lost my grandpa to cancer at a young age and here she had to say goodbye to another partner all over again. 

• An old friend's passing
• The friend and I had lost touch in recent years, but his death strongly affected me. We grew apart mostly after my ex and I broke up. Without the ex in the picture, we didn't really hang out much. We would chat sometimes when we ran into each other at parties or bars, but the friendship just wasn't the same because we only knew each other because of the ex. However, when I was with my ex, we spent a lot of time together. We hung out often when I was home from college at house parties or going for motorcycle rides. The friend passed away in such a heartbreaking and honorable way that I still have a hard time accepting it. He had completed at least two (maybe three?) tours overseas and was finally home, or at least for the time. He and  a friend were driving and stopped to help a vehicle on the side of the highway. While helping the strangers, he got hit by another vehicle. After fighting in ICU, he passed about a week later. His death was so sad; his family and friends devastated by the loss of someone they loved. He was so young and always so full of fun and laughter. Losing someone at any age is always hard, but when someone in their 20s with so much life ahead of them passes it's heartbreaking.

(Ok, the worst of the worst of the year is done. Everything else seems petty in comparison to two deaths, but I can't discount the rest)

• My closest friends moving away. 
• From February to May, my closest friends scattered across the country. Roomie to Boston, The Walking Dead couple Dallas and Florence, SC and another to Madison, WI. I grew up with two of them and the other two joined in college and high school, respectively. I've been friends with them the majority of our lives and aside from going off to college, we've been inseparable. Even when we were scattered across Wisconsin for school, we never lost touch and got together as often as we could. I am certain that is why we are even closer now than we ever were as kids or teens. Saying goodbye to them all was a huge struggle for me. I felt so lonely without them. I cried. A lot. Then I cried because I missed the nuggets, which I never ever in my life expected. When I finally thought I could handle it, something little would trigger emotions all over again and without warning, I was Niagra Falls. Take for instance, passing The Walking Dead Couple's apartment one night. I wasn't even thinking about missing them, but without skipping a beat, in the middle of my sentence, I started bawling for at least 15 minutes. When the friends were all home in October and had to leave all at once instead of spread apart, it was unexpectedly a lot worse. 

Our last night together before the moves started

Reunited...and it feels so good!

• Ending a friendship
• One of Man Friend's close friends turned into a completely different person after breaking up with his girlfriend. Since it's not my fight or loss of friendship, it's not really my place to go into detail. But to make an incredibly long story short, the ex friend decided that he was no longer going to be friends with any of the people in the whole crowd because of something super petty. He made some really douchebag moves and it's entirely on his shoulders that he lost some of his closest friends. For a while it was kind of a touchy subject and I know a lot of people were really hurt by his actions. But now it's just comical and life has moved on smoothly enough without him.

• The outsourced meeting
• At 9:15 a.m. on Thursday, December 12, 2013 my department found out that it will be outsourced. As of April, 2014, Consumer Services Department will be operating out of Peoria, IL. We had known that this was a possibility for a few months, but the finality of the decision was awful. I panicked. What the hell would I do? I don't think it's been any secret that it is far from my dream job and being a temp without job security has eaten away at me every day for more than two and a half years. But as long as I have this temp job while searching for something permanent, I at least have a paycheck coming in. But now even that could be taken away from me. I had a million and ten emotions and thoughts whirling through my head. If I had to go on unemployment, how would I survive? How would I manage? I've been actively job searching since August of 2011 and if I haven't found anything in that time, how was I going to find something in only 4 months? I thought I was going to throw up. I cried. A lot. In front of all my coworkers and managers. Pretty embarrassing. I was a fucking wreck. A week after The Meeting, I had the best pep talk from my dad that I had ever gotten from anyone, but especially from him. I'm still struggling a lot and still worry every day more than what my body can handle, but it's a tiny bit easier with my dad's voice in my ear to push me through. 

Frankly, I don't know how I don't have ulcers after this year. Seriously.

But I have had some good moments, which absolutely cannot go without mentioning:

Super:

• Moving in with Man Friend
• Moving in to our own place has been the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Instead of having to schedule our time together, we get to see each other every single day. We get to cook for each other and eat meals together at the kitchen table. We go grocery shopping together sometimes (although that has halted because we drive each other crazy in the store). When we want to tell each other something, we don't have to call, text or hope to remember it when the other comes over. We can walk into the next room. Or turn around from our desk. We can sleep next to each other every night instead of most weekends. It's a major sense of comfort being able to fall asleep next to the one you love the most every single night. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it. He is the last thing I hear every night and the first thing I hear in the morning. By no means was moving in together a seamless transition. We fought. We argued over dumb things.We had to learn how to communicate with each other in a new way. We had to make compromises. I sulked. I slammed doors. I got pissed off and expected him to know exactly why I was mad and how to handle it exactly the way I wanted him to. But I wouldn't want to learn how to live with anyone else. Adjusting to each other and the arguments that arise can never compare to being able to spend a night watching tv together, not worrying about making it home by a certain time to go to bed on a week night or having a romantic meal and movie for date night in.

• Becoming a Big
• Becoming a Big was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Probably top five. My Little has already taught me so much and I can only hope she feels the same about me. We have so much fun together and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her, despite the fact that she's "just" a child. I look forward to our meetings every week. I can only hope that my mentorship is making a positive impact on her life. I can tell a huge difference in our relationship since we were first matched around May. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. Well, aside from her being the pickiest eater I have ever encountered in my life. But we have so much fun together making crafts, making and decorating treats and going out on outings to experience the community. And we make pretty awesome things like these reindeer treats:

Finally Settled In

Hello dear readers! It has been a while since the last post, but I am finally all settled in to the new digs, minus a few boxes left at my grandma's. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of moving, unpacking and setting up our new place with everything exactly where we want it. Oh, and no Internet for a week. Can't forget that First World Tragedy. Anyway, now that almost everything has found itself a home and I missed work today because of the weather, I finally have the time to sit down and write. Which, by the way, is being done from my and Man Friend's office. I've never really had an area outside of my room to be able to write in peace and I'm wicked excited about it.

Since we're on the topic of the office, I must say it's one of my favorite parts of the apartment. Man Friend and I were lucky enough to find a two bedroom in our price range and this room was one of the big selling points of the place. Man Friend and I each get half of the room: his half for his gaming and my half for writing and possibly scrapbooking. Also, it has my magnificent walk-in closet. Seriously, it's huge. And alll mine. As I was unpacking my plethora of clothes boxes, Man Friend told me he was astonished that I hadn't finished yet. At that point, I was a good three storage bins in and had at least two more to go. I actually get to have all of my clothes up at once without packing away out of season outfits. I didn't even realize how wonderful it was until I had everything all hung up.

Although moving in general stresses me out more than I'd like to admit, this was by far the smoothest move I've ever done. Since I had been temporarily staying with my mom's friend in between moving out of Roomie's house and into the apartment, a good majority of my stuff was already packed and ready to go. The day that we moved the most stuff, Man Friend and I had three people helping us move which helped tremendously. My cousin spent the whole day with me going back and forth from Temporary Residence, my storage shed and the apartment. It saved so much time having two people load and unload my car. It would have easily taken an extra day without her. Man Friend's best friend and his brother helped move our furniture. Since all three of them have trucks, they were easily able to each grab some pieces instead of Man Friend needing to make close to four trips by himself. Plus, carrying heavy and awkward furniture up a flight of stairs singlehandedly would have proved to be nearly if not entirely impossible.

One of the most exciting aspects about moving into your own place is being able to put everything away the way you want. Man Friend and I have been able to set up everything exactly the way we want. I didn't realize how exciting it would be until we were able to do so. Who knew deciding where to put the pots and pans and how to arrange furniture would be so exciting? Holy shit. I just came to the terrible realization that I am frickin OLD. See ya later, early twenties. Hello, being a grown up. Guess there's no way out of that one, huh?

Welp, I suppose on that note, I should go do something else grown up with my time. I'm sure I can find something else to put away...

My "See You Later" Letter To A Close Friend

I'm not entirely sure why I feel so compelled to share this. Perhaps it's because I made a vow to myself earlier this year to start acknowledging my emotions, and in order to deal with them, I need to share them. Perhaps, it's because I don't think anything else could describe my emotions and struggles right now quite so effectively. Perhaps it's because I don't think anything else could describe ME quite so effectively. Nevertheless, I hope you dear readers enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Here's a little nugget of depth into my life (of course altered a little for Friend's privacy).

My dearest Friend,

Since the very first day of sixth grade when I was stunned by your ‘tude about “not coming from Elementary School EITHER,” I knew we were destined to be friends. And basically, we’ve been inseparable ever since.

You are one of the most incredible women I’ve ever met, and one of the best friends I could ever ask for. For the last thirteen and a half years, I have known I could always count on you for whatever I wanted or needed. From the divorce of my parents to break ups, I always had your shoulder to cry on. Likewise, some of my greatest laughs have come from our times spent together. We developed a passion for music together, which started with Backstreet Boys and progressed into pop-punk and eventually grew into wider genres. Part of the reason Blink-182 will forever have such a special place in my heart is because we discovered them together and lost our concert virginity to them and Green Day. You are the only person to send me a Halloween card every year, and every single year is makes my whole day. You have helped fuel the fire that is me becoming a wine-o and are someone who I can always count on to truly enjoy food and swapping any recipe.

I am so very lucky to not only have a friend like you, but to have stayed so close after so many years. We are both such different people from when we first met, and yet, remarkably the same. When so many friends drift apart throughout their lives or lose touch after high school or college, we have grown even closer. And because of this, I know we will forever be inseparable, no matter how much distance physically separates us. We damn well better be 85 years old sharing a glass or three of wine laughing about the past and the present, and maybe making new friends in each other if we’ve forgotten who we are.

When I first found out that your promotion was official, I had a few teeeensy tears. And as I write this, I continue to fight back an ugly cry. I will miss you more than you could ever know and learning to have a long-distance friendship with you will be quite the adjustment. However, despite my tears and selfishly wishing you’d stay, I am so incredibly excited for you and just about to burst with pride. I couldn’t be any happier for you to pursue a career that you are excited about and that you will be just phenomenal at. You are going to rock that account manager job and I am sure that everyone in City will love you. In the few short months that I worked with you in Wisconsin City (which, by the way, was one of my favorite jobs ever. And I’m not just saying that.) I very quickly learned what a hard and dedicated worker you are. You take great pride in your work and hold a respected yet approachable and relatable authority.

Although I am sad to see you leave, I am wicked excited to have a great new place to add to my list of vacation spots. I cannot wait to come see you in City, and I cannot wait to hear how much you’re enjoying yourself. We have a very unique and special friendship that I am confident will survive through any curveball life throws us. Congratulations on your new adventure!

Love,

Mon

Sucky and Super Wednesday

Hello, dear readers! I thought I might actually be able to create an entire post about "Super" things, as I've been having a pretty good few weeks. Then, yesterday happened...

Sucky: 

• Yesterday at work there was a sewer backup. Right. By. My. Department. It was so disgustingly awful it hindered our work. Luckily, there wasn't shit (literally) puddled or piled up in the hallways at all, but the smell was WRETCHED. It was nauseating, and gave myself and everyone around me headaches and/or stomachaches. And of course, the area of my department is completely open, and we have no door to block out the stench. It was a rough day, to say the least. I'm just glad I don't work in facilities. Talk about hating your life.

Super:

• Man Friend and I got an apartment! We were extremely lucky to fall in love with the first one we looked at. More to come on this after the official move April 1st, but I couldn't possibly be more excited. I cannot wait to live with the love of my life, come home to and wake up to him every day. I am so excited to have all of my belongings in one household for the first time since 6th grade (divorce, college, moving, storage sheds), to be in a nice neighborhood, have lots of space/storage (especially for an apartment) and to not have to worry about moving for a long time.
• About a week and a half ago, I got a really unexpected compliment. It was just a simple statement that made my whole day. I'm sure the complimenter had no idea how much of an impact it made, but it was such a self-esteem boost.
• Walking Dead Double Dates have continued each week, and each week gets better. It's one thing I know I can look forward to for relief and relaxation, no matter what is going on that week. Eating like a fat kid makes it even better. By the time we were all done eating last night, we all had taco food babies. And it was magnificent.
• Over the weekend, I ran into my favorite Mom Friend and my favorite little munchkin while shopping. We got to catch up and chat for a while. I got to play with Munchkin for a bit, which is super nice because I don't get to see her very often anymore. It was a nice surprise.
• Last weekend, I spent Saturday morning and afternoon spoiling myself. The whole day was dedicated entirely to taking care of me, and only me. I spent part of my tax return on my once-annual trip to the spa, lunch and shopping. I didn't have to worry about anything, and was able to totally relax. Days like this are incredibly rare and it was needed. I love getting massages, and wish I could afford them more often, but alas, once a year is typically my max. For anyone in the Green Bay area, I highly highly recommend The Day Spa in DePere. I have never been disappointed from the moment I walk in the door to the moment I leave. I also got some super cute clothes with awesome end-of-season sales and am excited to wear all of it.

I Have Real, Human Emotions

Hello dear readers! I've been struggling to come up with what to write the last few days. I made a vow to myself that I was going to be more active here than I was last year, and I will be damned if I break my promise to myself. Last year, I blogged when I felt like it, and kind of lost touch sometimes. There were months when I only had one post. I've been getting better at making sure to get my weekly post done, but one thing I need to work on is setting a time aside every week for myself and my writing. I had several hours a week set aside for writing for class and homework when I was in college, so why do I have such a hard time making one hour at the exact same time every week now?

Anyway, I find it so much harder to write when I'm struggling with days, myself or life in general. I have so much more to say when things aren't going well, and so much more raw emotions to work with that presents unlimited writing material. The hard stuff is what makes you relatable to others. Not just in writing, but in real life as well. It's what brings people together, and writing about whatever has been on my mind has always been therapeutic for me.

I've definitely had a lot to work with lately. So far, my inkling that 2013 was going to be fabulous has been terribly wrong. I know, I know, it's only two months into the new year. But in those two months, I've had the worst flu/sickness I've had in at least five years, had essentially a week to move out of my house since I was sick for a week, realized how much Former Roomie's friendship meant and how much it hurt having to say "see ya later" (I've cried more in public in the last two weeks than I ever have in my life), found out the majority of my closest friends will be moving across the country, my sister will be joining my mom and moving out of state, winter driving gives me terrible anxiety, I've missed work and have been late to work because of the roads, I lost a friend, lost a family member, had even more stress at work than usual, and am continuously being rejected for job after job.

So what's the problem, you say? Somehow, throwing all my feels out there to the world makes my struggles and emotions so much more real. It's hard to admit I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. It's hard opening up and knocking down that wall of stubborn-ness and independence that I've had guarding my persona. It's so much easier only sharing when things are going well and sharing when I'm having so much fun. After two weeks of public sobbing in preparation of former Roomie moving across the country, I told Man Friend how much I hate crying, especially in front of others. I told him I don't want anyone to see me cry because it makes me vulnerable. He told me to not ever think of crying as leaving myself vulnerable. He said it makes you stronger because you're dealing with your emotions and showing that you care about something. And damnit if that wasn't one of the truest and most profound things I've heard in a while.

So, I'm going to try my best to heed his advice. World, be prepared for some raw and heartfelt posts. That's not to say I'm only going to write when I'm unhappy or only share emotional moments. Hell to the no. I want to share the happy moments, the stupid things that happen in my life and how much fun I have too. I'm just going to try to learn that actually sharing the bad with the good isn't so terrible. I want to be able to share more than just what's stressful. I want to try really hard to delve deeper and actually say WHY I'm stressed or struggling and how it makes me feel. Not just that it's happening. And eventually, it won't be so hard.

I'm feeling better already.

Sucky and Super Saturday

In the last few weeks:

Sucky:

• I lost a family member and a friend within two weeks. It's been incredibly emotional and it sucked. A lot.
• I had to move out of my house into a temporary residence just to move again in another few weeks. Read more about it here.
• I hate everything about winter, and it's been a rough one already this year. I even had to miss work one day because it would not have been safe for me to make the commute.
• I had the flu wicked bad and missed almost a full week of work. Three weeks later, Man Friend is now out of commission with the same thing.
• Girls Night Out is not having convening this session. The program as a whole is being evaluated and I will be so bummed if they end it.

Super:

• Even though my friend's funeral was one of the toughest things I've had to do in a long time, it brought together many people. I got to see his family, and some of my friends I hadn't seen in quite some time.
• This blog reached and passed 2,000 views. Patience and effort is paying off!
• I just got signed up to fund-raise for the Strong Kids Campaign with the Y again. Stay tuned for deets!
• Man Friend and I finally got some stress-free alone time and our first date out to dinner by ourselves in months. It was so needed and I had such a good time.

The Ups and Downs of Moving

Hello dear readers! For those of you who know me in real life, this should not come as a shock to you, but I have a really hard time with emotions. I'm an incredibly emotional person, but I have a very difficult time showing my emotions, and an even harder time dealing with and understanding them. I don't like to let too much of my personal feelings and tribulations show on my public space, but here comes a little nugget of seriousness.

I hate moving...mostly because I don't handle change very well. No matter the circumstances of moving, I hate it with every single fiber of my being. However, today's move is hitting me particularly hard. Today is my last day in my house with Roomie. The house has been for sale for a few months now, and plans to sell and/or move have been in the books for well over a year now. But now that it's here and happening, it's way more difficult than I had ever anticipated.

First of all, moving is incredibly stressful. It's tedious, time-consuming, tiresome, expensive, and a lot of physical work. The only positive thing about constantly going up and down stairs, lifting, twisting and carrying is how much exercise it is. However, it leaves you sore and tired, and in constant fear of dropping something fragile or breaking yourself. Packing takes forever, you have to get all kinds of boxes and storage bins, downsize, do lots of laundry and do lots of wrapping of breakables. I have no idea how people do this for a living. They must hate their lives.

There's a lot I'm going to miss from living here. Roomie, for one. We've been friends most of our lives, but living with him for nearly two years made our friendship even closer and stronger than it was before. It'll be an adjustment of not only not being in the same residence, but of him being on the other side of the country as well. I'll miss coming home to someone who likes bitching just as much as I do. Because let's face it, our household consisted of swearing and alcohol. You gotta go witcha strengths. I will miss all the ridiculous things we do together, namely singing terrible songs and talking in movie/tv/comedy/youtube quotes. I'm so excited for him to start his new job in a new city and have a fresh start, particularly because he is so excited. I'm excited to have a new place to visit, but it's going to be a huge change not having him around all the time.

Nuggets for two. When I first moved in, I wouldn't even touch Lucy. I kept her away from me for a solid month by chasing her with the Swiffer. It was my only defense against jumping, scratching, licking, sniffing and general curiosity. And somehow, the little diva found her way under my skin and MADE me fall in love with her. And then we got Snoopy, and I thought I was going to have an aneurysm having two hyperactive dogs in the house with me. Somehow, he figured out how to make me love him too. It's the damn beagle eyes. They pathetically just look up at you, begging you to love them and before you know it, the sneaky bastards have weasled their way into your heart. I don't even like animals, but damnit if I didn't sob sitting in an empty kitchen saying goodbye to them.

I bet you're already won over. 

I will definitely miss all the parties we've had at our house. We were the party house for my group of friends for a significant amount of time. We threw two Memorial Day parties that were pretty baller, if I do say so myself. We've had New Years, Packer games, and countless Friday nights in that house and it's going to be so sad and weird without that staple.

However, there is definitely a lot I will not miss. For one, White Trash. White Trash is our kiddy-corner neighbor who we hate. His name should be fairly self-explanatory. We called the cops on him Friday, he was arrested Sunday, and somehow was deemed ok to be released by Tuesday. I will not miss cops constantly on our street or sirens always blaring in the middle of the night. I will not miss the drug house two doors down. I will not miss our judgey, lazy next door neighbors. I will not miss our street never getting plowed properly, if at all. Although I will miss the puppies, I will not miss all pee, poop and vomit that happened all over the house. I will not miss the whining and howling whenever there was any noise outside. The wind would blow wrong and the howling wouldn't stop for five minutes.

Despite the fact that I don't exactly handle change very well, and am really struggling with this transition, I do have a lot to look forward to. To save some monies, Man Friend and I are moving in with his cousin for a year or so, and eventually will be getting a place of our own. I am so incredibly excited to move in with Man Friend and get a start on our lives together. I can't wait to be able to go to bed with him every night instead of just most weekends. He will be the last thing I see every night before drifting off to sleep and his "goodnight" will be the last thing I hear before my dreams. His voice will be the first thing I hear every morning before heading off to work. We won't have to map out our time and figure out when we get to see each other. We will be able to go to sleep when we're tired instead of keeping our eyes open to be able to spend an hour together every night. We can cook and eat meals together on a regular basis. It will be a huge step in our relationship and a giant change for each of us. I've definitely gone over the "what ifs" a thousand times, but I can just feel it in my heart that it will be the right decision for us and will be such a positive move for us as a couple. He's the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with, and probably the only person I would give up having my own room for.