Hello dear readers! I've been struggling to come up with what to write the last few days. I made a vow to myself that I was going to be more active here than I was last year, and I will be damned if I break my promise to myself. Last year, I blogged when I felt like it, and kind of lost touch sometimes. There were months when I only had one post. I've been getting better at making sure to get my weekly post done, but one thing I need to work on is setting a time aside every week for myself and my writing. I had several hours a week set aside for writing for class and homework when I was in college, so why do I have such a hard time making one hour at the exact same time every week now?
Anyway, I find it so much harder to write when I'm struggling with days, myself or life in general. I have so much more to say when things aren't going well, and so much more raw emotions to work with that presents unlimited writing material. The hard stuff is what makes you relatable to others. Not just in writing, but in real life as well. It's what brings people together, and writing about whatever has been on my mind has always been therapeutic for me.
I've definitely had a lot to work with lately. So far, my inkling that 2013 was going to be fabulous has been terribly wrong. I know, I know, it's only two months into the new year. But in those two months, I've had the worst flu/sickness I've had in at least five years, had essentially a week to move out of my house since I was sick for a week, realized how much Former Roomie's friendship meant and how much it hurt having to say "see ya later" (I've cried more in public in the last two weeks than I ever have in my life), found out the majority of my closest friends will be moving across the country, my sister will be joining my mom and moving out of state, winter driving gives me terrible anxiety, I've missed work and have been late to work because of the roads, I lost a friend, lost a family member, had even more stress at work than usual, and am continuously being rejected for job after job.
So what's the problem, you say? Somehow, throwing all my feels out there to the world makes my struggles and emotions so much more real. It's hard to admit I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. It's hard opening up and knocking down that wall of stubborn-ness and independence that I've had guarding my persona. It's so much easier only sharing when things are going well and sharing when I'm having so much fun. After two weeks of public sobbing in preparation of former Roomie moving across the country, I told Man Friend how much I hate crying, especially in front of others. I told him I don't want anyone to see me cry because it makes me vulnerable. He told me to not ever think of crying as leaving myself vulnerable. He said it makes you stronger because you're dealing with your emotions and showing that you care about something. And damnit if that wasn't one of the truest and most profound things I've heard in a while.
So, I'm going to try my best to heed his advice. World, be prepared for some raw and heartfelt posts. That's not to say I'm only going to write when I'm unhappy or only share emotional moments. Hell to the no. I want to share the happy moments, the stupid things that happen in my life and how much fun I have too. I'm just going to try to learn that actually sharing the bad with the good isn't so terrible. I want to be able to share more than just what's stressful. I want to try really hard to delve deeper and actually say WHY I'm stressed or struggling and how it makes me feel. Not just that it's happening. And eventually, it won't be so hard.
I'm feeling better already.
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