I'll Have a Big Bowl of Happiness, Please.

Alright, so it's been another month since my last post. Almost a month exactly, now that I look at my stats. I know that when I had posted then I had every intention of getting back here more regularly. Intentions don't go very far, apparently.  Anyway, for the first time in ever, I have been preoccupied with a flood of good news. You read that right. GOOD NEWS.

So much has been going better than I could have ever imagined that it's been a little overwhelming. It's hard to keep a smooth train of thought here, but I'll try my best.

I'll start with the biggest news. I accepted a job offer! YOU GUYS. I will be working full time. With benefits.

When I had written last, I had been at one of the lowest moments of my life. Worrying about paying my bills on unemployment and what I was going to do caused me to be the most stressed I had ever been. And the massive amounts of job rejections absolutely destroyed me. The longer I searched for jobs, the more of a wreck I became. Seriously, I was just a mess. I genuinely don't know how anyone put up with me. I couldn't even stand myself.

Miraculously, I got the job offer in the very knick of time. We're talking less than a week before my end date at my now former job. It could not have been more perfect timing. And the absolute best part is that I will be doing exactly what I want. The position is exactly what I've been dreaming and hoping for. I will be a Social Media Marketing Manager for a company that basically does fundraising for non-profits. Perfect, right? I will be salaried, with benefits (YOU GUYS. Health Insurance!), and it's all of seven minutes away from my apartment. See you later commuting! It seems to be a pretty casual work environment and from the interaction that I've already had, I can already tell it will be a good fit for me.

When I got the job offer (which, by the way, was all of an hour and a half after my interview), I experienced such a huge rush of emotions. I delicately hung up the phone to ensure that my boss to be was indeed off the line, threw myself into Man Friend's arms and laugh-cried for about five minutes straight. I was so happy that Man Friend happened to be home at the time, because I actually got to share that moment with him. Experiencing one of the most life-changing moments alone would have been so disappointing.  Plus, it only seemed fitting that the person who experienced all of my lows from job searching, and all of my defeat and self-loathing get to be with me for the turn-around.

Getting that job offer was almost an immediate switch in my demeanor and outlook. When I called my mom to share the good news, she told me she hadn't heard me that happy in a long, long time. I agreed. I said, "Mom, I haven't been this happy since I graduated college four years ago." I had told a coworker the next day and she said she had never seen me with such a huge smile on my face. She was also right. My anxiety level has decreased astronomically. Now that is not to say that at the drop of a hat I was anxiety-free. I will always be an anxious person. I will always worry and will always stress. But the fact that it has decreased so much feels fantastic. I truly feel like myself again. I have been sleeping through the night. I was surprised at how quickly my face cleared up. And perhaps the best part of all: I haven't opened Career Builder or Indeed once. I had been spending 10 to 15 hours a week job searching and now that time has opened up for me to actually do things I enjoy. I have been able to read and devote more time to Mary Kay.

While we're on the topic of Mary Kay, that has been a pretty big contribution to my happiness. I know I've stated this before, but joining truly has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. And I've been pretty successful thus far. I've been so successful because I have worked my ass off and really pushed myself to do well. But I push myself because I WANT to succeed. I enjoy everything I do so much that it doesn't seem like a second job. Yes, the extra money is nice, but it's so much more than that to me. I have so much fun at my appointments, my team is so encouraging and positive. I walk out of a meeting and feel like I can do anything. Pushing myself has paid off not only financially, but in reaching my goals. I reached my monthly goal twice in a row of making Inner Circle, which means selling at least $600 wholesale a month. And as I near the end of my first quarter with the company, I am very close to making Star Consultant, which means three months in a row of selling the $600. If I make it, I will get huge recognition and a free prize.  And I like prizes.

I had made my second month of Inner Circle in the same week that I accepted the job offer for the full-time job. So talk about good feelings all over. It made me finally feel great about myself. I could finally say that all of my hard work was paying off. I was proud of myself and all of my effort. I had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of myself. Seeing that in writing makes me realize how sad that is. If someone else said that to me about his or her self, I would feel so...bad.

I officially start the new job on Monday and the end of the Star Quarter is the day before. Stay tuned to hear all about both!

I'm Back!

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers! It has been quite some time since I posted last, more than two months in fact. Alas, I have not yet fallen off the face of the earth. I've really missed being out here in the blogosphere and I'm glad to be back in. Unfortunately, with the stress of the last few months, I have not had much time to do what I love the most: read and write. I know, I know, you can always MAKE time to do what you enjoy, make it a priority. But lately when I actually have free time, all I want to do is lay on the couch and become part of the living dead in front of the tv. I've actually got one night during the week that is dedicated just to watching tv. It's the one night that I force myself to relax for a few hours. It usually doesn't work and I find myself job searching or working on commercials out of guilt. What does my tv night consist of, you ask? It's Wednesday at starts with The Middle and Suburgatory then a rapid change of channel to Law and Order: SVU and Chicago PD. Oh, and wine. Duh.

Since there have been so many highs and lows in the last two months, I thought I'd bring you all up to speed. You're WELCOME, social media creepers. I'll start with the good news first, since I'd like to think my life isn't entirely a mess.

At the end of February, I joined Mary Kay, Inc. as an Independent Beauty Consultant. At the time of joining I was really excited and felt totally great about my decision. I had no idea, however, just how much of an impact it was going to make in my life. It is such a fantastic organization to be a part of and I could not be any happier that I joined. It's definitely been one of the better decisions I've made. So, plus 1 for Mon. I was nervous at first, but is anyone really surprised by this? I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I worry about EVERYTHING. And I don't take risks. At all. I wrote all about this unfortunate flaw of mine here for your recollection. What if I didn't sell enough to make it worth it? What if I couldn't get customers? What if I royally sucked? I was worried about investing money into setting up a business for myself. I don't really like to spend money on myself as it is, let alone in large quantities. To put it into perspective, buying a complete outfit for myself is a little terrifying. But fortunately for me and my business, Man Friend was a wonderful support system for me. He convinced me to order the start-up inventory and thank goodness he did. It's amazing being able to have at least some of my product for people right away, both for the client's sake and for my sanity. Man Friend looked at me and said I just spent the same amount of money on a computer, something I will get nothing back out of. You can spend this money on start-up inventory and then make a profit off it. That's all it took to put it into perspective for me.

The greatest thing to ever come to me by mail

Joining the Mary Kay community was not only a great decision for me to have control over my own business, but also for everything it has done for me on a personal level. For starters, it gives me extra money. Extra moo-lah is always a good thing, but it my current situation, it is a necessity. (More on that later). Before joining, I had contemplated getting a part time job, but it just didn't make sense with my hectic schedule. Not too many places are ok with such limited availability. Not to mention, the last time I had two places of employment, I burned myself out. But with Mary Kay, it is so much different. I have team meetings on Mondays, but scheduling appointments is entirely up to me. I work around my schedule and offer times for consultations when I'm free. I don't have to worry about asking off for busy weekends or nights with plans, as I would have to working a second job in retail or something of the sort. Never in my life have I ever had a job where I was encouraged and complimented so much in my life. My director is always telling me I look great or that she loves the outfit I'm wearing. I've never had a position in which I had so much encouragement. My director and team mates are constant cheerleaders for everyone. I am congratulated every time I meet my goals. I'm encouraged that I can make my goals and encouraged that I can do anything that I set out to. It's amazing what something so simple as "I'm so proud of you" can do. My cheerleaders are a great source of positivity, but what's really done wonders has been just seeing what I can do. I have zero problem talking in front of people, but I surprised myself at how quickly I learned my demo routine and how comfortable I got giving it. In just under two months on my own, I am using my note cards less and less and I can tell what a huge difference there's been since my first party. I am so much more confident, which is something I never thought I'd see in myself. My self esteem is slowly creeping up and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

I wish I could say that's the only reason I haven't been here much lately: that I am so busy with my success with Mary Kay that I don't have the time. But to stay true to myself and to reality, I have to share the bad with the good.

As I've written before, I am very close to losing my "full time" job. The stress on this has been so horrendous on me that it has over taken my life. I sleep like shit, have nightmares frequently, have gained even more weight and have breakouts all over my body like no one's business. I'm crabby all the fucking time, I'm miserable, and snap at people doing nothing but good for me. I can't even remember the last time that I went one week without a sobbing fit. I am terrified of unemployment. Despite the fact that I have joined Mary Kay, I am not yet to the place in my business that I can consider it a full time job. I need it to supplement the money that I am making outside it. I am fairly certain I will be eligible for unemployment, but that just won't cut it. I am terrified about being able to pay all my bills. I know everything always works out somehow, but the waiting until that happens may just be the end of me.

It's a good thing that Mary Kay brings me up so much, because job searching has brought me down to an ultimate low. It is the most defeating, soul-crushing experience I have ever had. I have applied to 219 jobs since October of 2011 and am just not getting anything but rejections. Or worse, not even a rejection but not hearing back at all. That happens far more than I ever thought. I've gotten professional resume help on more than one occasion, I scour LinkedIn like it's going out of style and have gotten referrals from employees at the companies I've applied to. Nothing helps. I either have too much or not enough experience, even when my experience matches the posting. Never before in my life have I felt like I wasn't good enough for something. Never before have I felt so kicked-when-I'm-down. Everyone keeps telling me that the perfect job will happen and I just need to wait for it. That it will come to me, rather than me looking for it. I wholeheartedly agree with this. However, I can't exactly rely on fate when I'm about to be flat-on-my-ass broke.

Besides the daily stress of the job search, the last two weeks have been nearly unbearable. The brother of a very close friend passed away recently. It was unexpected and absolutely devastating to everyone around him, but obviously inexplicably so for his immediate family. He had been so young, had so much to live for and was just...gone. While it is always tragic for someone so young to pass, this had to be one of the hardest I've dealt with. I've known this man most of my life, as his brother and I have been friends since the fifth grade. The brothers and their sister were inseparable and it was gut-wrenching watching them grieve. I do have to say, though, that despite the funeral being so incredibly difficult, it was the most personal funeral I had ever been to. The family truly gave remembrance to their son and brother by making it reflect his life. We all wore Harley apparel and music like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was played. It was a great way to remember him the way he would have wanted.

My tribute

Things I Wish I Could Say to My Teenage Self

Sometimes, inspiration comes in funny ways. This afternoon, I got hit with some after listening to an old New Found Glory cd. Perhaps appropriate as a Throw Back Thursday notion. I started thinking of my high school years, inevitably, as these years were the height of my angsty, pop-punk years. And after having a pretty severe case of writer's block mixed with job searching that has taken over my soul and life, the ideas started pouring out of my head. The downfall to always getting the best ideas during my drive home is that by design of being in a moving vehicle, I do not have a place to get these ideas out. So the replaying over and over again ensues. Which eventually turns into talking to myself to ensure that I don't forget what I need to jot down. If the sound of hearing my own voice didn't creep me out so much I'd record myself.

Without further ado, Things I wish I could say to my teen-aged self:

• Spend less time not giving a shit and more time getting your homework done. On time. 

• APPLY YOURSELF! You are very smart, but half-assing the work is not the same as doing your best.

• Stick with writing for the school newspaper for more than one article.

• Life after graduation is no where near what you expect it to be. Life after college and a degree is not even close to what you think it is.

• Resumes and cover letters will turn out to be the bane of your existence.

• You are not really as much of a badass as you think you are. But keep the attitude and mindset that you are.

• It will take you a long time to figure out how to have a verbal filter. Try harder now and it will be easier down the road.

• Most of the people you hated in high school still suck. The people who picked on you are losers going nowhere with their lives.

• You will fall in love more than once. You won't end up with any of these boys, but each one of them will always carry a special place in your heart.

• Do not allow yourself to change for a relationship and do not lose sight of who you really are.

• Trust me, you are NOT fat. Someday, you will look back and wish that you were the size you are now.

• Invest in some body tape. Right in front of your friend's boyfriend, your boob will pop out entirely in this dress:

• Stop picking at your acne and blemishes. Stop touching them. Just stop touching your face. You will be left with scars and regret.

• Do NOT give up playing guitar. 

  

  See how much you love it?

• Despite all of the angsty poetry you write now, you will grow to hate poetry in college. In fact, after finishing school, you will not write a poem again.

• As soon as you stop knowing everything, your parents will stop being the world's biggest idiots. Have patience with your dad because your relationship will strengthen exponentially when you turn 21 and he sees you as an adult.

• Sex gets a LOT better with practice.

Why I Would Suck at The Bachelor

Guys, I have been sucked in to The Bachelor cult. I don't know why. I'm not a reality TV junkie by any means and I particularly do not enjoy "trying to find love" reality shows. It's not even good programming. I will even go so far as to say it's really stupid. But, props to the network/producers/directors, because they got a non-believer hooked.

During last week's episode, I jokingly told Man Friend that if I was ever single, I would go on the show just to get a free ride to beautiful locations around the world. Which was immediately followed by how much of a bad decision it would be to put me on this kind of show. For reasons unknown to me, the idea of this is apparently very intriguing to me. I have spent am embarrassing amount of time in the last week thinking of what a fail it would be for me to be a contestant. So I might as well share with you.

Why I would suck at The Bachelor:

• This might come as a shock, but I kind of have an attitude problem. I'm fairly certain that all of my confessional time would consist of me rolling my eyes and saying things like "Is this real life?," "Did that just fucking happen?" and "I'm missing Rock Fest for this and didn't even get a rose? Un. Real."

• I have zero facial feature filter. While I can control my word vomit, at the very least until the person in question is out of ear shot, my face has not quite caught up. It's kind of a problem. 

• I have ZERO tolerance for stupid people. If you are dumber than a box of hair, I am GOING to judge you for it. And I'm going to make fun of you. Not even sorry.

• I am kind of weird. I really don't mind being alone, I listen to music that is considered rare for girls to listen to in some circles, and I have kind of an odd/dry/sarcastic sense of humor. People sometimes don't get me and I foresee that being the case when shoved in a house with a bunch of strange, I mean new, women.

• I am a Grammar Nazi like nobody's business. I absolutely will correct your speech. I can (sometimes) get away with it with the people who know me. Mostly because I figure they have just accepted it's who I am and to just take it. However, I don't think it it would go over so well when trying to compete  with 15 other women for the affection and recognition of one single man. Not to mention, that is exactly what would get aired of me over and over. I would really look like a bitch.

• I am the messiest eater known to mankind. Trying to charm a man and show him how awesome I am over dinner would really translate into losing my meal all over my outfit, table, chair and the floor. In my 25 years of life, I have not yet conquered the feat of proper food intake. And I would embarrass the shit out of myself on national television.

• I would never have the patience to always be camera ready. I'm sure I would take the time and make the effort to look nice when going on a one-on-one date, much like I do in real life before going on a date. But I could never be always ready for a camera to catch me. I don't even blow dry my hair for work. No way I could always have my hair/makeup/outfit ready at all times. Then I would see myself after the show aired and be embarrassed that I look like such a slob.

• I do not have the body. I especially do not have the pool/beach body that all the women do (at least the women since I've started watching). The women I see all have wonderfully flat stomachs and seemingly no problems being in a bikini. This is not meant to be a bash on myself, nor am I looking for anyone to correct me. While I know that I am not obese, I am also fully aware that I do not have the kind of body that should be on national television in a two piece bathing suit. Even if I did have said body type, I would be so nervous and self conscious that I would probably be in the corner hiding out and drinking a bottle of wine.

Does anyone else have anything that they just know would be an awful idea for them to do? Share away!

Sucky and Super 2013: A Recap

Hello Dear Readers. I know, I know. It's been a while since you've heard from me last. I've been busy with holiday craziness, but mostly have been going through some really rough stuff. I've been struggling with how to deal and if or how I want to talk about it. But I'm in the acceptance stage so after a lot of turmoil I hope to be back on track doing important things other than sulking and having panic attacks. I'll explain later.

I started New Years of 2012 and 2013 both by thinking this year has GOT to be better than last. And neither one really was. In fact, 2013 was pretty miserable. Now that's not to say that there weren't moments that I enjoyed last year. I had some pretty great times, but unfortunately, there were a lot more things that sucked. But life is always a fighting battle. Without tough times, you never really appreciate the good. I know that's really easy to say, but I'm working on believing my own words. Maybe this will be the year I start practicing what I preach. Maybe.

Anyway, a recap of 2013:

Sucky:

• January. 
• Yup, all of it. After overcoming the worst flu/sickness I've had since having mono my freshman year of college, Roomie accepted a job offer in Boston. Which meant moving. Do you remember how much I hate moving? I'll give you a hint: it's a lot. Regardless, moving brought out a lot more struggles than I had ever anticipated. We had about a week and a half to get everything packed and get out of the house. It was pretty short notice for both of us but it also meant I had to find a place to live and very quickly. You never realize how much work packing a house is until you have a very small deadline to do so. Then my grandma's man friend passed away. He had been very ill and as hard as it is to say so, it started becoming expected. But that did not change the gravity of the situation. Grandma's man friend, or her Special Friend, as she called him, had been a part of our family since I was in 8th grade-ish. It was a real struggle watching him suffer for so long and really hard losing him. It was even harder knowing my grandma had lost him. She lost my grandpa to cancer at a young age and here she had to say goodbye to another partner all over again. 

• An old friend's passing
• The friend and I had lost touch in recent years, but his death strongly affected me. We grew apart mostly after my ex and I broke up. Without the ex in the picture, we didn't really hang out much. We would chat sometimes when we ran into each other at parties or bars, but the friendship just wasn't the same because we only knew each other because of the ex. However, when I was with my ex, we spent a lot of time together. We hung out often when I was home from college at house parties or going for motorcycle rides. The friend passed away in such a heartbreaking and honorable way that I still have a hard time accepting it. He had completed at least two (maybe three?) tours overseas and was finally home, or at least for the time. He and  a friend were driving and stopped to help a vehicle on the side of the highway. While helping the strangers, he got hit by another vehicle. After fighting in ICU, he passed about a week later. His death was so sad; his family and friends devastated by the loss of someone they loved. He was so young and always so full of fun and laughter. Losing someone at any age is always hard, but when someone in their 20s with so much life ahead of them passes it's heartbreaking.

(Ok, the worst of the worst of the year is done. Everything else seems petty in comparison to two deaths, but I can't discount the rest)

• My closest friends moving away. 
• From February to May, my closest friends scattered across the country. Roomie to Boston, The Walking Dead couple Dallas and Florence, SC and another to Madison, WI. I grew up with two of them and the other two joined in college and high school, respectively. I've been friends with them the majority of our lives and aside from going off to college, we've been inseparable. Even when we were scattered across Wisconsin for school, we never lost touch and got together as often as we could. I am certain that is why we are even closer now than we ever were as kids or teens. Saying goodbye to them all was a huge struggle for me. I felt so lonely without them. I cried. A lot. Then I cried because I missed the nuggets, which I never ever in my life expected. When I finally thought I could handle it, something little would trigger emotions all over again and without warning, I was Niagra Falls. Take for instance, passing The Walking Dead Couple's apartment one night. I wasn't even thinking about missing them, but without skipping a beat, in the middle of my sentence, I started bawling for at least 15 minutes. When the friends were all home in October and had to leave all at once instead of spread apart, it was unexpectedly a lot worse. 

Our last night together before the moves started

Reunited...and it feels so good!

• Ending a friendship
• One of Man Friend's close friends turned into a completely different person after breaking up with his girlfriend. Since it's not my fight or loss of friendship, it's not really my place to go into detail. But to make an incredibly long story short, the ex friend decided that he was no longer going to be friends with any of the people in the whole crowd because of something super petty. He made some really douchebag moves and it's entirely on his shoulders that he lost some of his closest friends. For a while it was kind of a touchy subject and I know a lot of people were really hurt by his actions. But now it's just comical and life has moved on smoothly enough without him.

• The outsourced meeting
• At 9:15 a.m. on Thursday, December 12, 2013 my department found out that it will be outsourced. As of April, 2014, Consumer Services Department will be operating out of Peoria, IL. We had known that this was a possibility for a few months, but the finality of the decision was awful. I panicked. What the hell would I do? I don't think it's been any secret that it is far from my dream job and being a temp without job security has eaten away at me every day for more than two and a half years. But as long as I have this temp job while searching for something permanent, I at least have a paycheck coming in. But now even that could be taken away from me. I had a million and ten emotions and thoughts whirling through my head. If I had to go on unemployment, how would I survive? How would I manage? I've been actively job searching since August of 2011 and if I haven't found anything in that time, how was I going to find something in only 4 months? I thought I was going to throw up. I cried. A lot. In front of all my coworkers and managers. Pretty embarrassing. I was a fucking wreck. A week after The Meeting, I had the best pep talk from my dad that I had ever gotten from anyone, but especially from him. I'm still struggling a lot and still worry every day more than what my body can handle, but it's a tiny bit easier with my dad's voice in my ear to push me through. 

Frankly, I don't know how I don't have ulcers after this year. Seriously.

But I have had some good moments, which absolutely cannot go without mentioning:

Super:

• Moving in with Man Friend
• Moving in to our own place has been the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Instead of having to schedule our time together, we get to see each other every single day. We get to cook for each other and eat meals together at the kitchen table. We go grocery shopping together sometimes (although that has halted because we drive each other crazy in the store). When we want to tell each other something, we don't have to call, text or hope to remember it when the other comes over. We can walk into the next room. Or turn around from our desk. We can sleep next to each other every night instead of most weekends. It's a major sense of comfort being able to fall asleep next to the one you love the most every single night. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it. He is the last thing I hear every night and the first thing I hear in the morning. By no means was moving in together a seamless transition. We fought. We argued over dumb things.We had to learn how to communicate with each other in a new way. We had to make compromises. I sulked. I slammed doors. I got pissed off and expected him to know exactly why I was mad and how to handle it exactly the way I wanted him to. But I wouldn't want to learn how to live with anyone else. Adjusting to each other and the arguments that arise can never compare to being able to spend a night watching tv together, not worrying about making it home by a certain time to go to bed on a week night or having a romantic meal and movie for date night in.

• Becoming a Big
• Becoming a Big was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Probably top five. My Little has already taught me so much and I can only hope she feels the same about me. We have so much fun together and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her, despite the fact that she's "just" a child. I look forward to our meetings every week. I can only hope that my mentorship is making a positive impact on her life. I can tell a huge difference in our relationship since we were first matched around May. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. Well, aside from her being the pickiest eater I have ever encountered in my life. But we have so much fun together making crafts, making and decorating treats and going out on outings to experience the community. And we make pretty awesome things like these reindeer treats:

Deep Thoughts with The Walking Dead

SPOILER ALERT!! If you have not seen season 4's mid-season finale, do not continue reading! I am not going to be responsible for ruining it for you. If you are all caught up, then by all means, please continue on.

So Man Friend and I watched the mid-season finale a few days after it aired. We were both a bit anxious and eager, knowing that something big was going to happen. Everyone getting sick and Carol killing two people, thus getting her kicked out, have been the biggest things to happen for a while. Plus, with a big episode, there has to be something very suspenseful. Before the episode started, Man Friend said that he bet someone was going to die and we placed our bets against each other on who we thought it was going to be. I victoriously threw my hands in the air and yelled "THE GOVERNOR!!" But then was like, "Nah. As much as I want him dead, I doubt it will happen. Too many people love to hate him and he always adds something more to the story." Man Friend's bet was for Rick or Herschel. We debated a little and I said there would be no way they'd kill off Rick. He's the face of the show and without him, the prison group won't mean much.

Well. We both ended up right. Man Friend was a little more logical about it. He was upset by the death of Herschel and was even a little quiet after the show saying that he was so mad he was right. He said he felt the same way when they killed off Dale earlier about killing off the good guy/the voice of reason/ a really likable character. I was not exactly as rational. As soon as the governor beheaded him, I started sobbing. Uncontrollably sobbing.  I know I cry very easily at fictional events, but this was easily the hardest I have ever cried at something that wasn't real. Because it felt so real. I have such an emotional attachment to these characters that I feel so connected to them. I feel a part of this. Unhealthy or not, there it is. Anyway, here is what I sounded like on and off for a solid half hour, at least. "I hate the governor. I HATE HIM! I hate him so much! I hate this stupid show. I hate the writers of this stupid show. I'm never watching this again. I'm going to leave a flaming pile of dog poop on their front porch. I hate you for making me watch this stupid show. I hate this show. I hate the governor. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KILL HERSCHEL? Why couldn't it have just been a swift bullet to the head? Why did it have to be so cruel to chop off his head? And his daughters had to watch it! Herschel was SUCH a good character! I hate the governor and this stupid show. I'm so glad the governor is finally dead, but he died too easily. I wish Michonne could have made him a walker. Or poked out his other eye at least. But at least he's dead." Guys, I know that it's "just" a tv show. I know.

One of my favorite parts about the show and the prison crew is how insanely in sync they all are with each other and how much every single one of them has each other's back no matter what. As soon as Herschel died, every single person standing outside the prison started shooting and fighting back for what's theirs and for Herschel. The people inside the prison gathered everyone up and into the bus immediately. One of the most bad ass things, though, was when the young girl, Carol's prodigy so to speak, took control of the other girls. She said that Carol had taught them and they should have guns too. When she started shooting, I thought she was Carl. And threw my arms in the air and yelled "YES!" when I realized it was her. I was so oddly proud of her for that. For listening to Carl. For being so brave. And when Maggie threw Beth's words back at her and said "We don't get to be upset. We all have a job to do." For some reason, that moment between the two sisters was just so powerful to me.

After watching the mid-season finale and somehow calming myself down, we turned to Netflix to watch some older episodes. Since I still have not seen most of season 1 and half of season 2, Man Friend is insistent that I watch all of it for better understanding of the show and the characters' past. We picked up where I left off, which was episode 3 of season 1. Although I do appreciate being able to see how the characters and the show has progressed to what I watch now, it's hard for me to go back in time, essentially, to the start of it all. The worst part was being like, well, she's dead, he's dead, he's dead. All of these people are dead! Why am I watching this now? It was really interesting, and actually kind of comical, to see how the interaction and view of the walkers has changed so much. In the current episodes, the characters take out the walkers with such ease. And they are such badasses about it. Darryl with his bow, Rick and Carl with the guns, especially. They are all such fighters now and so little scares them. One person can take out a slew of walkers in one fell swoop. The episode we were watching, a walker got to the camp and it was the first time one had gotten so close to them. It took four of them, at least, to cut its head off before Darryl finally walked up an explained they have to get them in the brain. It was really amusing seeing them all suck so much at it.

The biggest change I think is the evolution of Carol. Can we please talk about that? I think watching her evolve throughout the seasons in chronological order would have been really cool. Watching her grow to the person she's become would have been so much more awesome knowing how she started. Seeing her go from such an independent, strong, confident and courageous person in season 4 to the weak, terrified person in season 1 was really hard. Painful, in fact. Where we left off with her, she had been kicked out of the group with a car and supplies to be on her own. I'm sure she will come back. I'm almost confident she will come back now that the prison group has split up and will probably save someone. And when she does make a reappearance, I'm sure it'll show that she was sad to leave her prison family and worried to be on her own until she found a new group. But the thing is, she left at Rick's wish. He told her she was strong enough to make it, and she is. She's a survivor and will still live no matter where she is or who she's with. I don't know if season 1 Carol could have done that. If she had been kicked out of the group in the early days, how would she have reacted? Begged for forgiveness and tried to stay at any cost? I watched this frail woman cry over her abusive husband when he got his ass kicked for beating her. It was as if I had just watched a completely different person.

And now, I have to wait another two months to see what's going to happen next. I can't handle this kind of stress. My heart is racing a little just thinking about it.

Stress Relief

In a recent conversation with one of my co-workers, I made the statement "I'm what some people like to call "high strung." I hadn't meant it to be as funny as it apparently was, but she laughed super hard. I'm sure the sentiment would be most appreciated by people who know me best because it is so truthful.

I'm a pretty self-aware person who has accepted and can admit her faults. And one of them is how high strung I am. I am a worry wart. I turn molehills into mountains. I worry about things I can control, but mostly things I cannot. I dwell on things until I am so stressed out I can't even handle myself. Granted, I have had a lot of really high stressors in my life. I've been dealt really shitty cards more often than I would have ever wished upon anyone. But the bigger problem is not what I've overcome, but more so the way I handle what life throws my way. I get myself so worked up and stress and stress until it takes over my life.

Guys, stress is a pretty nasty habit. It screws with so much, your body being at the forefront. It can make you really sick. When I experience super strong emotions, especially anxiety, I throw up. It sucks. But also, stress can actually affect your immune system too. I can't count how many times I have seen people get terrible colds when their stress is at an ultimate high.

It can make you break out. As if being 25 with an acne problem isn't bad enough, throw a stressful few days or week in the mix, and you could mistake me for a local middle or high school student.

It can affect your sleep schedule. I'm prone to poor sleep and nightmares as it is, but when I'm really stressed, it gets worse. I spend the night tossing and turning and the higher my stress level is, the more vivid the nightmares. I wake up so exhausted that I feel like I didn't even sleep. Not to mention, I have to think if the person in my dream really did die. Nightmares get old and fast.

It can really change your personality, and usually for the worse. It has spun me into depressions. I've snapped at people because of the smallest things. Usually it gets taken out on Man Friend, who does nothing but try to help me. Sometimes, in the moment, I say things I don't mean or don't even think it's a problem to say. And then I feel awful. There's no need to snap at someone, especially if they're doing everything they can to be supportive. But I find that the people who are there for you the most are going to be the ones to take the brunt of the pain. A friend, who at the time had been dealing with something I had been as well, told me that her fiance said he didn't even recognize her anymore. That was such a sad thing to hear and made me wonder if my family and friends had been thinking the same about me.

After reading all of this, you must wonder how I manage to even get through life. It took a long time of stress just eating away at me to figure it out. Although it is still an ever-evolving work in progress, I am starting to get a lot better at managing stress and anxiety. I've found some really good relief:

• Go for a long walk. Grabbing your favorite music to jam to doesn't hurt either. Without any distractions around, it's a great way to collect yourself and get all your thoughts together. My walks usually start out worrisome and over-analyzing everything. However, after a while, the circulation starts going and I start calming myself down. By the time I'm ready to go home, I usually have worked my thoughts into a 180 and I've come up with solutions for whatever I need to.

• Cook or bake. Just under two years ago, I started teaching myself how to cook. I quickly found that I really enjoyed it. One of the reasons was how much stress relief it provides. Cooking and baking takes a lot of concentration and focus. If you're not paying attention, especially to a new recipe that you need instructions for, you're going to fuck it up some way or another. If you're not careful with knives, blades, heat or open flame, you're going to hurt yourself. Throwing all your energy into focusing on one things gets your mind off your troubles quickly. Plus, if you're a stress eater, you can make a really healthy meal that you feel good about eating. Added bonus: you can always share the meal with someone and have a nice conversation with over food. 

  

  Lavender is my favorite scent to add to a hot bath. How
  can you be upset after inhaling such a soothing and
  relaxing fragrance?

• Take a long, hot bath. It will calm your muscles and you will start to relax. Adding aromatherapy or soothing bath salts to the water will help too. Also, bring a good book with to get your mind off your anxiety. Make sure it's something you're really interested in or your mind will wander. Even if you're not a big reader, bring in a niche magazine dedicated to something you enjoy like cooking, music, cars or electronics. And if a glass of wine happens to follow you into the bathroom and find itself next to the tub, you won't see me judging. 

• Work out. Not only is this yet another way to take your mind away from dwelling by focusing on one thing, it releases endorphins. Endorphins are a natural mood booster that your body is kind enough to provide. And in the words of Elle Woods, "Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make people happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't."

• Get a massage. I know that often times massages are something of luxury. And when money is a factor in your stress level, it's hard to justify some pampering. Sometimes a day at a spa can really do wonders, but it doesn't need to be extravagant. You can go to a massage school for a really cheap price and the students who work on you are already very experienced. There are also options like Groupon and sales to watch for to get a really cheap rate. Massages are not only relaxing, but can really melt a lot of worry away. They are also great for improving circulation, helping with chronic muscle aches and pain, improving sleep quality, and boosting moods. Hmm, sounds like a lot of what stress triggers.

• Bitch. Seriously, you need to bitch. Call up a friend or hang out together and just rant away. A huge factor in stress for a lot of people, myself included, is that it's hard to talk about your emotions. When you don't talk about what's bothering you, it just festers inside you. It gets bottled up until the tiniest thing pushes you over the edge and you blow up. There was one time in high school, at the prime of me not talking about anything, that I had really been dealing with a lot. I slept over at a friend's house and my mom was awesome enough to bring me an overnight bag. She forgot to pack my socks and birth control. During any ordinary circumstance, it wouldn't have been a big deal. I could have borrowed socks from my friend and taken my pill right away the next morning. But because I had been bottling up so much, I lost it and started bawling. It became known as the infamous Socks and Birth Control moment. Don't let a Socks and Birth Control moment happen to you.

• Go on humor websites. Scroll through the humor section on Pinterest or go on Buzzfeed. Watch stupid YouTube videos. The longer you laugh, the better you'll feel. Soon enough, you'll forget what was upsetting you. It may mean wasting a few hours of your life watching videos of children doing stupid things or reading countless some e-cards, but it's worth it.

• Volunteer. Giving back to your community and helping others, especially those in need, is such an incredible and powerful feeling. Knowing that you made someone else's day a little better or easier is a great way to lift your spirits. It might help you re-evaluate your concerns and perhaps they won't seem so bad anymore. If for nothing else, smiles are contagious. And being around everyone smiling for a short time will at least get you to smile for a few hours.