Fear

Hello, dear readers! Last week I got my hair done at a completely new salon with a new stylist. At one point during our consultation, in reference to her style and approach with clients, she said to me "Conservative is not a word that is ever used to describe me." Readers, do you know what is never used to describe me? Risk-taker. In fact, I don't think this sentiment has ever been used with my name in the same sentence. Never ever. I am not even close to being adventurous. I over-think every decision I ever make. Every. Single. Decision. Also, I'm really scared of a lot of shit. I'm actually so scared of so many things and so unwilling to take any kind of risk that there have actually been several times I've missed out on something because fear has held me back. Somehow, though, I've got the ovaries to share all sorts of my misgivings to the world and the Internet. So, in true Mon fashion, here are the things I'm either scared of, won't take a chance at or both:

• Heights. You have no idea.
• I actually would love to sky-dive and I've always wanted to. But I know myself and there's a higher chance of the Bears winning next year's Super Bowl than me getting in one of those planes. Rock climbing is out of the picture. Looking over any railing or stairway gets me about two seconds away from peeing myself.
• The dark. What? There's scary shit out there.
• Deep water. Ok, any water that comes higher than my belly button.
• When I was just a little nugget, I nearly drowned. Since then, I've been absolutely terrified of being in the water. This has resulted in so many times of not joining in pool parties and water park festivities. When people joke about or threaten to throw me into a pool, I actually get near panic attack anxiety. Anything exciting like tubing, boating jet skiing or going on a cruise? Forget it.
• Getting hurt. Physically, that is.
• I am such an unbelievable klutz. I fall all the freaking time. Last summer when we went swimming at The Falls during our Rock Fest trip, we had to cross a path of rocks to get to the swimming area. I was so terrified of falling down the rocks that I just stood there and wouldn't move. I actually contemplated not crossing and staying by myself while everyone else had fun.
• Getting in trouble
• I constantly worry about getting in trouble from any kind of authority. Are we being too loud? I don't want the neighbors to get mad. Will they call the landlord? Will the cops get called on us for being too loud outside? Or shooting off fireworks? Are we supposed to be in this part of the store? I think it's just for employees. Are we supposed to park here? What if we get a ticket? What if we get caught downloading music? I don't want to go to jail. 
• Getting in a car accident
• I've gotten into two weather-related car accidents and I am absolutely terrified of getting in another. Both times I was very lucky to have not been injured in the slightest, but I always know I could be. Not to mention, I am broke and cannot afford any major repairs. Driving in winter storms gives me an enormous amount of anxiety that I don't think I will ever get over.

Conversation Hearts

The only way my daily conversations could get any better would be if they actually were printed on heart-shaped pieces of sugar. Here are some little nuggets of life with Mon recently:

Former Roomie: On the bright side he [new roomie] is terrified of me.
Me: niiice.
Former Roomie: Seriously. Yesterday, I was like "I want you to leave." He's like "Why?" I'm like "BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL WELL AND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE!" And he did.
Me: Omg what? Your former roomie would not have reacted the same way.
Former Roomie: lol. True, but my former roomie also didn't annoy the living shit out of me with her gleaming positivity


Friend who recently moved across the country: This is embarrassing but I just saw Leinie's Summer Shandy at Target and almost started bawling because I miss you. Oay. Truth. I cried.
Me: Confession: I cried driving past your old apartment last weekend. And just now.
Friend: Christ we're a mess!
Me: I was just thinking the same thing! But that better be the last time Summer Shandy makes you cry.
Friend: lol deal!
Me: Go figure we still have solid conversations over beer on opposite sides of the country.
Friend: Well I mean we honestly cant be expected to change our ways merely because we're "adults" now.


Coworker (to me):  Instead of you having your own kids, you'll be the one to buy my kids their first drink! As any good auntie should.


Me: Does he ever stop complaining?
Friend: Chip? (a code name for someone we can't stand)
Me: Nailed it.
Friend: Maybe he's never getting nailed and that's why he's always complaining!


Former Roomie's Facebook status: An entire jar of peanut butter for lunch is healthy, right?
Me: SIICK
Former Roomie: DELICIOUS
Friend (from conversation 2): I just heard Monica groan across the country


Little: One time, when I was swimming in the lake with my cousin, I had had to pee. So I climbed on her back and peed on her!
Me: OH MY GOD I AM NEVER SWIMMING WITH YOU EVER!


Me: My Little told me that I'm going to die lonely and alone because I don't want kids!
Coworker (who also does not want kids): But...you'll be happy! And hopefully not poor from  kids sucking you dry.


Cousin: Why is it that I can squish a spider or mosquito with my bare hands, but the second an ear wig comes near me my stomach churns?
Me: Because those motherfuckers are way more disgusting.
Cousin: Fuck yeah.

And this picture I found on Pinterest, which I just couldn't resist sharing:

Bay Beach Adventures

Hello dear readers! After two weeks of not hanging out, I took my Little to Bay Beach on Thursday. For weeks before it was open, she had been asking to go. It was finally open late enough during the week and I was just as excited as she was. 

Although I can no longer manage the Tilt O Whirl or the Scat, I do still quite enjoy the other rides. I was a bit disappointed and a little surprised to find out how few rides Little won't ride. I was hoping to convince her to go on Zippin' Pippin, the only roller coaster, but I was vehemently shot down. Numerous times. She also wouldn't go on the swings, bumper cars or the Ferris Wheel. I found out that she attempted the Ferris Wheel on her class field trip, but got so scared after two circles that she screamed until they let her off. At least that happened at school. I have no idea how I would have handled a child that terrified. Anyway, that didn't leave us with too many options. She did want to go on the Tilt O Whirl even without me, but it was closed for maintenance. So that left us with the train, the Scrambler, the Slide, the Helicopters and the Carousel. The Scrambler is actually both of our favorites, which meant we rode it three times. We also rode the Train twice, which is quite enjoyable, but not really all that exciting. It would have been much nicer if we had been walking around all day and needed a few seconds to just rest. Little was hoping to ride in the back because "you get whipped around much more that way." Round two, she got her wish: we were the only two on the ride, so we could choose the exact seats we want. I somehow managed to convince her to go on the Slide, even though she almost chickened out. We got half-way up the steps and she turned around, looked at me and said "I don't wanna do it anymore." I did NOT just walk up those steps for nothing. Not to mention, I was not going to let her give up. "Uh-uh," I responded. "Keep going." She looked like she wanted to argue but I think she could also tell I wasn't going to move out of her way. I'm fairly certain that as an only child, she isn't used to not getting her way so I'm not sure what she thinks when I don't let her. We got to the top crisis-free, threw our burlap sacks down, and went down. And what do you know, we get to the bottom and she says "That wasn't as bad as I thought." I told her I knew it wouldn't be, and we headed back towards the Scrambler for time #2.

Waiting in line for the Scrambler, there was a little boy ahead of us with some other children. The ride operator/my cousin measured him and he was too short to be on the ride. And I don't mean too short as in if he wearing different shoes he might be able to pass. I mean a solid two inches, at least, too short. Cousin/Ride Operator apologized and explained that because he wasn't tall enough, he couldn't go on, unless an adult wanted to go with him. The children looked expectantly at a lady standing behind the fence. "I am NOT going on that!" was her answer when a simple, "Not this time, guys" would have sufficed. Ride Operator/Cousin handed them their tickets back and they walked out of line. What I heard next is a textbook example of why there should be a test to reproduce. "UUUUGGGGHHH!!! HE'S GOTTEN ON BEFORE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!!" Ride Operator/Cousin: "I'm sorry. I don't know why he wasn't measured before, but if I let him on and something happens, I could get fired." Inexplicably Crabby Mom hauled the kids off to a different ride in another dramatic huff. Um, what did I just witness? First, why the hell are you so outraged by this? Second of all, do you really think that bullying the ride operator into breaking the rules will really make this situation any better? And what does that teach your children? That they can throw a fit until they get what they want? Finally, and most importantly, shouldn't you be worried about your child's safety? If his size puts him in danger, why in the hell do you think it's ok for him to hop on the ride and have a go at it? I would have loved nothing more than to tell that woman she should be ashamed of herself, but creating a scene in front of my Little would not have exactly promoted responsibility, so I pretended to ignore the whole thing. 

Since I convinced Little to go on the Slide, she used it against me and got me to go on the Carousel. By no means am I afraid of it like she was the Slide, but going around in circles while moving up and down is just asking for me to get sick. But after she threw out the "I went on the Slide for you, so you gotta go on the Carousel for me" line, I couldn't much argue. So we got on, and chose animals right next to each other. Then, at the last minute, she got an impish grin and bolted for a ride two behind me.  Oh, fuck. I watch SVU. It's always the Carousel that a kid gets abducted on. And now I couldn't see her when she was behind me. I manage to stay calm and not show my irrational fear and panic. After what I am certain was at least an hour, the ride ended and we hopped off, kidnapper free and just a mild case of dizziness on my end. At least I dodged those bullets.

How to Successfully Annoy Your Boyfriend

About a week ago, Man Friend was working on a post for his YouTube channel when I half-jokingly said "You should create a channel and post videos for how to successfully annoy your girlfriend." I wasn't expecting much of a reaction, so when he said it was a good idea and he'd think about it, I decided I was serious too. I told him he's really good at annoying me, so I'm sure he'd be really good at making this channel. Which got me to thinking. He's not the only one in this relationship who knows how to annoy the other. So I decided, why not write about it?

I came up with a list of my own. I haven't tried all of these yet, but I certainly have given myself a few ideas.

• Own ten pairs of shoes for every one of his. Get offended if he dares suggest to get rid of some.
• Own five bathroom/beauty products for every one of his. Claim you need them all out on the counter because you use them all every day.
• Get mad when he moves your things or puts them where they don't belong.
• When something's wrong, tell him it's nothing and you're fine. Get mad when he doesn't respond or react the way you want.
• Whine. (Ok, I've tried using this to get my way, but Man Friend never falls for it. He says it's "cute.")
• Crank 90s pop music when you're driving and make him listen to it because it's YOUR car.
• Hide the remote while watching shows on Bravo, TLC or the Food Network.
• Gossip to him and expect him to contribute. Get mad when he doesn't.
• "Borrow" all his comfy clothes. Play stupid when he asks for them back.
• Make him choose things to do together and get mad if he chooses the wrong activity.
• Get mad when he "doesn't have" an opinion on things like weddings or fashion. 
• Ask what's happening throughout an entire movie.
• Take over the entire bed, covers and/or pillows 
• Take forever to get ready.

More to come, I'm sure. 

Sucky and Super Memorial Monday

Ooh, good alliteration, Mon. [Insert self back-patting here.]

Hello, dear readers! Thank you for spending some of your day with me. I don't ask too much of you readers, but I do have one request of you today. While you're enjoying the last leg of your three day weekend, please take a small break from National BBQ day to reflect on the true meaning of this holiday. Take some time to thank a vet or stop by a cemetery with some flowers.

I'll step off my little soap box now and jump onto a Sucky and Super train.

Sucky:

• I had a very unexpected melt-down Friday evening.  I was in a great mood and happened to drive past the apartment complex that one of my closest friends and her boyfriend lived in. You may remember them from zombie dates and this going away letter. Anyway, I just started bawling out of nowhere. I hadn't even been thinking about anything specifically, but damnit I miss my friends. I think it especially hit me hard because Memorial Day weekend my friends and I used to have a giant day-long party.
• I had to say "no" to my Little for the first time this week. I've realized very quickly that she is a typical only child who is used to always getting her way and I don't think she hears "no" very often. It wasn't over anything major, and I could have easily caved in, but I needed to stand my ground. While making the "no" decision, I knew if I hadn't given her that answer, she would know immediately how easily it could be to walk over me. It was difficult to do, because I don't want to be the stern rule-enforcer, but rather, the fun person she enjoys hanging out with. It is also hard to tell where my boundaries are in this non-familial relationship. I stood my ground and after a little bit of begging threw out the "the answer is no" line and she finally accepted it.
• This afternoon I will be visiting the cemetery to visit my friend, the one I got this tattoo for:
  
  Visiting the cemetery is such a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, it's a very real reminder that he is gone and after nearly 9 1/2 years since his death, I am still incredibly overwhelmed with a slough of emotions. I miss him so much and it's still so hard to grasp that I am four years older than he was when he died. However, as sad as I get, sitting out in the cemetery is the best way I have ever been able to cope. I sit at his grave remembering and talking to him. It's the most peaceful and soothing place I have been. I'm having a bad day and want some space, what do I do? Sit out there and cry to my heart's content in privacy. I need to get lost in my thoughts? I sit out there for hours contemplating life. I just want some peace and quiet? I bring a beach towel and book out and read by myself. I don't care if any of this is weird or creepy. It brings me solace.

Super:

• Although I wasn't able to throw a major bash yesterday, I was able to put together a successful cookout at Pamperin Park with plenty of snacks, drinks and grilled food. I am growing much closer to  getting to know Man Friend's friends. I think I can safely say I have started to think of them as our friends or even my friends too, and not just his friends. The weather was mostly cooperative, and it was quite fun, even though Man Friend had to run to Wal-Mart to get a little grill since all the park ones were occupied. Man Friend and I also walked around Celebrate DePere for a while and got to listen to a local band, The Shaker and the Egg. Also quite enjoyable. 
• Man Friend and I have been actively trying to lose weight and better our overall health. We both downloaded the My Fitness Pal app, which has helped tremendously. Far more than I expected it to, actually. It has been a struggle staying within my allotted 1340 daily calories, and have gone over several times, but I have hit my goal of one pound a week for these first two weeks of recording. That app is so nice to help keep track of what you're eating, not to mention a good eye-opener for the amount of things you put into your body. It also tracks the exercise you put in, which is equally as helpful. However, the most helpful thing is to have someone right by your side doing the same thing. We're able to encourage each other and since we're both trying, we aren't keeping any junk food in the house. I already feel less lethargic and it's so nice to be back on track with a healthier lifestyle.
• Despite having to say "no" to my Little, we have been having a lot of fun every week. We've been able to spend our time outside and enjoying nature. In the last two weeks, we have walked through a woodsy area on a nature walk and went to the Wildlife Sanctuary. We walked around feeding the ducks and looking through some of the exhibits. I learn new things about her every week and always enjoy our time together. 

Reality Check

Sometimes, I don't know why I have a Facebook. That's right, I said it. Self-proclaimed Facebook addict has it in writing that some days I want to deactivate the thing. And here's why. Not one day goes by that someone isn't posting about fabulous things happening in their life. Nothing gets me more bummed than to pull up my news feed to see someone posting pictures from a fabulous vacation or honeymoon or an event they attended. Or the number one culprit, seeing someone who just got hired for their dream job. Hell, even someone who gets a promotion at work irks me. I see all these things that I'm not doing and my mood instantly drops. I will even publicly admit in front of the Internet and everyone that it makes me bitter. Crabby. Resentful, even. Financially, vacations are not feasible right now. Even if I could manage to save up for a trip, my current job does not offer any vacation time at all. Taking a vacation with unpaid days off is nearly impossible. The three days I take off for Rock Fest every summer fucks me for weeks after, but it's the only "vacation" I get. So I take the blow and go. I cannot afford to take time off for anything else, nor can I afford to go to big events or buy myself presents. I am not in my dream job, or even a permanent one for that matter. So I go on Facebook, get down on myself, and contemplate deleting my number one source of communication. I start moping about how my life sucks and how everyone has a greater life than me. And that's a problem. This is when I need to just grab myself by the shoulders and shout to myself, "Mon, would you shut the fuck UP and LISTEN to yourself?!"

Not only is it not fair to myself, but constantly comparing myself to others is exhausting. Not to mention inaccurate. Frankly, I've led a pretty damn good life thus far, and have already accomplished and experienced so many things. Since I'm currently in a really great mood, I have decided to come up with my checklist of why my life is already awesome. So when I'm in a salty mood, I can come here and give myself a reality check. This is for me to remember that just because I may not be exactly where I want to be in my life right now, I've already gotten pretty far. And this just proves that since I know I've accomplished this much, I have plenty of years ahead of me to accomplish everything else I want to.

• I've gotten to do a decent amount of traveling, and mostly because of school. I've already visited:
• Memphis, Birmingham, Selma, Montgomery and Atlanta on a Civil Rights Pilgrimage. I learned more on that trip than all my years of schooling and got phenomenal, once in a life-time first-hand accounts of the Civil Rights Movement.
• Oklahoma City on a week-long Habitat for Humanity trip. This week was so rewarding and gave a lot of things a new perspective.
• Hawaii, which was by far the most gorgeous place I have seen so far. Absolute paradise
• New York City, Washington DC and Chicago
• I've been to music festivals like Rock Fest and Summerfest on multiple occasions, which allowed me to see countless concerts and try new foods.
• I've been able to see my top five favorite bands, most of them on multiple occasions.
• Actually, I've been to quite a few concerts in general
• I've known I'm a writer since the third grade. I didn't have to struggle with a major or focus in school. I already knew.
• I graduated with my Bachelor's in Writing with a Women's Studies minor in four years and with honors. 
• I've gained a lot of confidence in the last few years. 
• Although my self-esteem has been shit for the better half of my life, it's building. I'm learning to appreciate and respect myself. A big part of that has come from encouragement from the wonderful people around me. I'm gaining confidence in my abilities and am learning there are some things I am really damn good at. And it's ok to say it.
• Speaking of people surrounding me, I have the very best friends I could ever ask for. And I'm pretty sure they're better than yours. Even though my closest friends are the farthest away, I know that they are only a call or text away if I need them. Even if I just need a good laugh, I can count on them.
• I found the love of my life at a relatively young age.
• When my scumbag ex cheated on me and therefore ended our engagement, I didn't think I would ever love again. Never mind that I was merely 21 years old and tons of people that age haven't even had a boyfriend yet. I never wanted to feel that gut wrenching pain again. Luckily for me though, I was able to find love again. A much better, more honest and true love. I fell head over heels in love with Man Friend and knew it after only three weeks together. And I have fallen even more in love with him every single day since. Accepting his date offer was one of the best decisions I have ever made. (Ok, sorry. You all have permission to vomit now.)
• I experience the joy of volunteering every week. Giving back to those kids has changed my life and taught me so much. I look forward to seeing my Little all week long, and I anxiously wait for Y events to be a part of. 
• I have a car to myself that's in good condition. It's reliable and perfectly nugget-size for 5'2 me. It's no Mustang, but it sure as hell isn't a junker either.
• I've been able to move out of my parents house. I got to experience living with my best friend for two years and now get to live with Man Friend.
• I've been able to attend two Packers games.
• I've been camping, which I found out I love. It may not seem like much, but to someone who has never been outside city limits or living, it's a big deal.

Until next time, my friends, enjoy your lives.

Sucky and Super Sunday

Sucky:

• Someone made a rather inappropriate and totally uncalled for remark to me this week. Considering it came from someone I have absolutely zero respect for, I should not have been as upset as I was. But damnit if I didn't want to tell them GFY. I know, I know, "Sticks and Stones," right? False. Words stick with you way longer than any punch to the face would.

That's it! That's the only Sucky thing that happened to me all week. And I have to admit, if that's all that really happened to put me in a sour mood, I must be doing ok for myself. In fact, as you will see, my week was actually pretty phenomenal. My life is finally turning around in the way that I had been hoping it would for so long. Although there is still a fair amount of stress in my life, it has dramatically decreased. Finally, week after week, good things have been coming into my life. Positivity is crawling out of the woodwork. And frankly, it's about damn time.

Super:

• Tuesday my little and I made Mother's Day cards
• Thursday's mail brought me the custom-made Chuckies I designed

• I volunteered at the Y's Healthy Kids Day for a second year
• I had a fabulous Pure Romance party

Volunteering has been having such a positive influence on my life, and I cannot be more thankful for the Green Bay YMCA or the Green Bay Big Brother Big Sisters. Working with these children has probably helped me out just as much as it has them. It is so rewarding being able to help someone else and to know that they have someone there for them who WANTS to be there. 

I've only been a Big for about three weeks now, but we have so much fun together every week. This was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Little decided she wanted to make Mother's Day crafts as our activity this week. Her mom does a lot of crafting/scrapbooking, but has never really had the chance to help Mom out at all. I was excited that she was so excited, particularly because I enjoy stamping and scrapbooking so much. I told her the ridiculous amount of supplies I have and she grew even more eager. Fast forward to when I actually pulled out my supplies (and not even all of them, mind you) and her eyes lit up and jaw dropped so far I thought I was going to have to pick it up off the floor. I showed her my stamps, inks, stickers, markers and paper, just in seventh heaven to be able to share my interests with her. She was in such awe that she just sat and stared at everything for a good five minutes before starting. 

I'm starting to learn how funny Little is, and not just for being nine years old. Her Mother's Day card read, "Mom, I remember the first step I ever took. Actually, I don't but I'm sure you were there." She used one of my little footprint stamps and wrote [Little] 7 lbs 8 oz. I asked if that's how much she actually weighed when she was born and she said, "No. It just seems like that's what a lot of people weigh so I figured I'd just put that." She makes me laugh every time I'm with her and I hope she holds on to that sense of humor forever.

Saturday's Healthy Kid Day was so much fun I hadn't even realized my three hour "shift" was up so quickly. I was at the Master Gardeners station which ended up being far more enjoyable than I had expected. I was in charge of the micro-greens, which were baby kohlrabi, kale, arugula and a Japanese lettuce. I got to tell the kids what they were and instructed them how they could eat the greens. Surprisingly, most of the kids actually enjoyed them. It was funny to watch them so diligently pull off one single leaf to eat when there were about ten full trays full of the greens. I was a bit disappointed at how few parents tried them, though. There were some awesome parents who tried the greens with their kids, and high fives all around to them. However, many did not. How can you ever expect your child to try new things if you don't try it with them? And you wonder how you have such a picky eater? Give me a break. 

Also at the Master Gardener station the kids could learn about canned veggies. We had a few tables with fresh veggies next to their canned cousins so the kids could see where canned veggies come from and how they start out. They each got to pick a packet of seeds to bring home to plant and at the end of the station could also plant a sunflower seed to bring home to grow. As always, it is super cool to see how excited the children are to learn and try new things. Every day is such an adventure to them, even if it only eating baby lettuce. 

Saturday night I also had a highly successful Pure Romance party. This was the 6th party I've attended, but every single party is a new experience and just as fun (if not more) than the one before it. It was a good time to have some ladies-only fun, drinks and yummies. One of the things I love the most about Pure Romance parties is how educational they are. Although the parties certainly do focus on the toys, products and sexiness, they are incredibly informative. Even though I had attended several parties before this, I still learned new things. In fact, I think I learn something new every party I go to. I have to admit I had a fairly thorough sex-ed class in high school, but I had no idea the things I didn't know until I started attending PR partes. I've learned so much valuable information about my body that I cannot believe I didn't know prior. It also helps that my consultant is amazing. She's so knowledgeable about the company, her products and sexual health. She's confident, funny and personable. Seriously, ladies, if you're in the GB area and looking to have a party, check out her Facebook page. We all had a lot of fun at the party and since my sales were so successful, I got tons of free stuff. Holla! $150 worth of product for $52. Plus, one of my friends decided to become a consultant through my party! 

As if the week hasn't treated me well enough, it's been a gorgeous weekend and I'm of to enjoy the weather.