Friday, December 19, 2014

A Letter to Veronica Roth

I have yet to decide if I am going to keep this as an open letter online or actually send it. 


Dear Ms. Roth,

I have never written to a celebrity before. Yes, I absolutely consider best-selling novelists celebrities in their own right. I can admit I feel a little silly for doing so, knowing full well that the chances of you actually reading this are slim. Further, I understand that should this actually pass through the ranks to get to your eyes, it will be considered nothing more than any other piece of fan mail. However, the Divergent trilogy left such a strong impression that I actually felt compelled to write you.

I hopped on the Divergent bandwagon late. I am not typically a fan of young adult novels, however, upon the suggestion of family, I picked up Divergent. A cousin told me that if I enjoyed The Hunger Games trilogy, I would really love the Divergent trilogy. She said this series was even better and urged me to read it. So, in the summer of 2014, I picked up a copy of Divergent and dug in.

I read the book voraciously. Despite feeling like the opening was a carbon copy to the opening of The Hunger Games, I quickly fell in love with the book. I was drawn to the interesting dynamics of Tris’s family and her constant battle between acting Abnegation and Dauntless. I rooted for her throughout her training and anxiously hoped and waited for the budding romance between Tris and Four to erupt.  Upon finishing the first book, I picked up a copy of Insurgent on my lunch break. I read through it in two days.
My Literacy Selfie from National Literacy Day

While reading has been my favorite pastime my entire life, it is rare that I am so fully immersed in a storyline that I am actually thinking about it while not reading. If I wasn't reading this series, I was thinking about when I could start back up. I theorized about what would happen next, too eager to find out. I realized just how attached I was when I decided that a coworker looked exactly how I pictured Four to look.

Two days after beginning Insurgent, I bought Allegiant. I started it on a Saturday afternoon and by Saturday night, I had completed it. While this installment in the trilogy contained far less action than the previous two, I read the day away on the edge of my seat. I could not wait to find out what would happen; how it would end.

The only problem one encounters after reading an entire series in a week is realizing that once you look up from the pages, the world has continued going on without you. That everyone is totally oblivious to what you just experienced. You feel a little empty inside without those characters right by your side. Sometimes I even delay finishing a novel purposefully so as to delay the abandonment. However, with this trilogy, I absolutely, positively could not do that. Emotional attachment be damned, I could not wait to learn of the ending and where this storyline would go.

That ending, Ms. Roth, is entirely the reason for my writing. To be as blunt as possible, I have never been so disappointed in an ending in my 21 years of passionate reading.

I hated the way the series ended. I actually surprised myself because I was genuinely upset. More than upset, really. Embarassingly angry. For the first time in my life, upon completion of Allegiant, I hid the three books out of view and did not proudly display my completed reads on my living room bookshelf as the literary trophies they should be. I even had to wait months before writing this so I could have a clear mind instead of sounding like a rambling maniac.

Quite frankly, I strongly feel that whenever an author kills off a main character at the end is a cop out. It is an easy way to finish the story. A way to end it quickly and possibly through little explanation without drawing out the plot any further. Well, some stories just need to be told to their fullest. The characters and this storyline deserve completion. Tris’s death was a cop out. It was a cop out to your readers and she, as a character, deserved more respect than that.

I know it is a common argument that Tris’s death was the only realistic outcome. Many say that she was so invincible throughout the entire series that fate was bound to catch up with her. I’ve also heard that it was heroic for her to die and that it was really progressive for a female to die off as the heroin. While I respect and understand those reasonings, I think they’re garbage.

When I shut that paperback for the first time, tears still streaming down my face from the loss of someone I felt I personally knew, my mind started running. My initial reaction was definitely that of my 13 year-old fangirl past self. Tris and Four were supposed to be together. Love was supposed to prevail all and even if they were the last two to survive, they would make it work and rise above. After my fangirl-ness passed, I realized I was upset for more than just the lack of it ending as a love story. The amount of questions left behind is why I fully believe the ending was a cop out.

First of all, Tris’s death doesn’t make sense. As a Divergent, she is immune to all of the serums. Even though the death serum was explicitly said to be the strongest and most dangerous of all serums, as someone immune to everything else, she should have been able to survive. Tris saw herself as a martyr, but when she nearly died at the hands of Four’s mother, she realized she did not want to die. She wanted to live because she knew she had a far greater purpose alive. Why would she volunteer to take her brother’s spot when she was clearly ok with him dying to prove he actually was loyal to the family? Furthermore, she was fighting so hard to avenge her parents’ deaths. They both died to save her. Why would she go on a suicide mission when her life meant her parents died with purpose, though tragically. If she couldn’t even save herself, her parents died for nothing. They lost their lives just for her to die shortly thereafter. And just like her parents, her death led to no resolve.
Though I never appreciate a main character’s death as a way to finish the story, if the death at least has a point in the plot, I can understand it. There was not really a vengeance for Tris’s death. It didn’t make Four fight any harder or change anything in the new society. No one was fighting in her memory.

Finally, the writing style of the conclusion even felt like a cop out. I am sure the shortened and choppy paragraphs and sentences were a way to show the emptiness and change in Four. However, it felt like you were giving up, not Four. It doesn’t show that it was a different voice because his voice was sprinkled throughout the entire novel. It would have been more effective to only use Four’s voice  after Tris’s death. That would have shown a far greater difference in perspective.  The final chapters felt lackluster, as best.

I mourned the loss of Tris but I was far more perturbed that a series I enjoyed so much ended so flatly. I know you have your reasons for ending the series the way you did. Ultimately, it is your writer’s prerogative to do whatever you wish with your work, but I just want you to know that as someone who enjoys nothing more than a good read, this series turned out to be the ultimate disappointment.

Best,


Monica Steinbrecher

How to Make Your CSR Hate You

Now that I am safely out of the customer service world, I can share these helpful pointers for you to suck at being a customer. Follow these steps carefully and you will succeed at making customer service reps hate you.

Argue.

Arguing with your customer service rep is the first and best way to get them to hate you. It doesn’t matter what you argue about; just do it. If they offer you suggestions or solutions, be sure to let them know that whatever it is isn’t good enough. Let them know that this is NOT how their competitor does business. Good words to develop in your vocabulary are “no,” “that’s not enough,” “that’s not good enough,” and “this is unacceptable.”

Be Stupid.

A really great way to get your CSR to hate you is to be super stupid. If you’re actually smart, act dumb instead. I’m not talking about genuinely low intelligence; I’m talking having the common sense of a box of hair. It will also be helpful if you don’t listen or follow instructions. They typically go hand-in-hand with being stupid. Here are some good options to try:

  • If you are asked your address, only give part of it. They will not need 1234 Main St. Anywhereville, Statename 12345. Try giving only 1234 Main and then sit in silence. Get mad if they ask for the rest of your address. 1234 Main is your address, after all. It’s even better if you need to go look up your zip code.
  • If you need to provide any package information, make sure to not have it handy. Wait until they ask for information about your product to go look for the product. Once you find the product, insist that you can’t find anything they are asking for. If you CAN find the requested information, drastically mispronounce it. Add a few letters or syllables.
  • Don’t use proper names for anything. If you are calling about a product, make up your own names for the brand names, product names or product parts. If you are calling regarding anything for healthcare, do not use anatomical names, especially for genitalia. Use slang words. Bonus points if you can make up your own slang term for a body part.


Be Demanding

This pairs PERFECTLY with your arguing, and sometimes, even with your stupidity. Start by being very loud. Your goal is to get the rep to pull his or her headset away from his or her ears. Know exactly what you want out of this conversation and demand that you get this right off the bat. Stand your ground and don’t back down for anything less. Good verbiage to use is “I expect,” “I deserve.” “I  need,” and “I am entitled to.”

If none of these things work, demand one more thing: to talk to a manager.

            

Saturday, August 23, 2014

7 Struggles only non-animal lovers understand

I'm not a cat lover. Before you dog lovers celebrate your triumph, I am not a dog person either. I am not a fish person. I am not a bird person. I am not a reptile person. I am not a rodent person. Frankly, I'm not much of a people person either, but this is neither here nor there.

This may come as a surprise to some, considering the breakdown I had leaving former roomie's nuggets. They are/were (RIP Snoop) the exception to this rule. However, the exception did not include: my underwear getting chewed up, my favorite pair of shoes getting chewed up, and cleaning up poop and vomit all over the house. You may also be surprised that I don't like animals considering I am now living with a cat. Said cat and I are starting to come to an understanding, but the 5 am scratching, middle of the night face jumping and frequent vomiting are not working in her favor. I can appreciate cute animal memes because, let's face it, pictures of animals with human traits are funny. But that is where my animal appreciation ends.

This post is for anyone else who has ever heard the offended gasp, "what do you mean you don't like animals?!" Because I know you're out there.
How I look when someone wants me to pet their dog
  • I don't appreciate your animal touching me. I am actually terrified of dogs jumping on and scratching me. And it's not funny when this does happen. Please get your animal off me when I'm frozen in fear/angst/disgust/panic/annoyance. 
  • The shedding. Seriously, HOW is there hair EVERYWHERE?! I didn't even touch the animal and I have hair woven into and stuck to every piece of clothing I own. Why is no one else bothered by this?
  • The animal food aisle(s) in stores smell like ass. I have to hold my breath walking past and/or through these or I start to gag. Sick. 
  • The noises. Why is every single bark, meow, chirps or scratch so damn loud? And can't they do it in another room? 
  • No, I don't want to pet your approaching dog. I don't care if it's "super friendly." I'm backing up because I don't want to touch it, no matter how many assurances you give. Now kindly take it the fuck away from me. 
  • Slobber is frickin disgusting. I don't want to be slobbered on, nor do I want to touch that filthy ball covered in slime. 
  • Animals can sense you don't like them. I cannot count how many times an animal is magnetized to me and everyone says "Oh he can tell you don't like him!" Well then why the fuck does he want to be by me? I have zero desire to be around people who blatantly don't like me.


The struggle is real.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I'll Have a Big Bowl of Happiness, Please.

Alright, so it's been another month since my last post. Almost a month exactly, now that I look at my stats. I know that when I had posted then I had every intention of getting back here more regularly. Intentions don't go very far, apparently.  Anyway, for the first time in ever, I have been preoccupied with a flood of good news. You read that right. GOOD NEWS.

So much has been going better than I could have ever imagined that it's been a little overwhelming. It's hard to keep a smooth train of thought here, but I'll try my best.

I'll start with the biggest news. I accepted a job offer! YOU GUYS. I will be working full time. With benefits.

When I had written last, I had been at one of the lowest moments of my life. Worrying about paying my bills on unemployment and what I was going to do caused me to be the most stressed I had ever been. And the massive amounts of job rejections absolutely destroyed me. The longer I searched for jobs, the more of a wreck I became. Seriously, I was just a mess. I genuinely don't know how anyone put up with me. I couldn't even stand myself.

Miraculously, I got the job offer in the very knick of time. We're talking less than a week before my end date at my now former job. It could not have been more perfect timing. And the absolute best part is that I will be doing exactly what I want. The position is exactly what I've been dreaming and hoping for. I will be a Social Media Marketing Manager for a company that basically does fundraising for non-profits. Perfect, right? I will be salaried, with benefits (YOU GUYS. Health Insurance!), and it's all of seven minutes away from my apartment. See you later commuting! It seems to be a pretty casual work environment and from the interaction that I've already had, I can already tell it will be a good fit for me.

When I got the job offer (which, by the way, was all of an hour and a half after my interview), I experienced such a huge rush of emotions. I delicately hung up the phone to ensure that my boss to be was indeed off the line, threw myself into Man Friend's arms and laugh-cried for about five minutes straight. I was so happy that Man Friend happened to be home at the time, because I actually got to share that moment with him. Experiencing one of the most life-changing moments alone would have been so disappointing.  Plus, it only seemed fitting that the person who experienced all of my lows from job searching, and all of my defeat and self-loathing get to be with me for the turn-around.

Getting that job offer was almost an immediate switch in my demeanor and outlook. When I called my mom to share the good news, she told me she hadn't heard me that happy in a long, long time. I agreed. I said, "Mom, I haven't been this happy since I graduated college four years ago." I had told a coworker the next day and she said she had never seen me with such a huge smile on my face. She was also right. My anxiety level has decreased astronomically. Now that is not to say that at the drop of a hat I was anxiety-free. I will always be an anxious person. I will always worry and will always stress. But the fact that it has decreased so much feels fantastic. I truly feel like myself again. I have been sleeping through the night. I was surprised at how quickly my face cleared up. And perhaps the best part of all: I haven't opened Career Builder or Indeed once. I had been spending 10 to 15 hours a week job searching and now that time has opened up for me to actually do things I enjoy. I have been able to read and devote more time to Mary Kay.

While we're on the topic of Mary Kay, that has been a pretty big contribution to my happiness. I know I've stated this before, but joining truly has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. And I've been pretty successful thus far. I've been so successful because I have worked my ass off and really pushed myself to do well. But I push myself because I WANT to succeed. I enjoy everything I do so much that it doesn't seem like a second job. Yes, the extra money is nice, but it's so much more than that to me. I have so much fun at my appointments, my team is so encouraging and positive. I walk out of a meeting and feel like I can do anything. Pushing myself has paid off not only financially, but in reaching my goals. I reached my monthly goal twice in a row of making Inner Circle, which means selling at least $600 wholesale a month. And as I near the end of my first quarter with the company, I am very close to making Star Consultant, which means three months in a row of selling the $600. If I make it, I will get huge recognition and a free prize.  And I like prizes.

I had made my second month of Inner Circle in the same week that I accepted the job offer for the full-time job. So talk about good feelings all over. It made me finally feel great about myself. I could finally say that all of my hard work was paying off. I was proud of myself and all of my effort. I had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of myself. Seeing that in writing makes me realize how sad that is. If someone else said that to me about his or her self, I would feel so...bad.

I officially start the new job on Monday and the end of the Star Quarter is the day before. Stay tuned to hear all about both!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

I'm Back!

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers! It has been quite some time since I posted last, more than two months in fact. Alas, I have not yet fallen off the face of the earth. I've really missed being out here in the blogosphere and I'm glad to be back in. Unfortunately, with the stress of the last few months, I have not had much time to do what I love the most: read and write. I know, I know, you can always MAKE time to do what you enjoy, make it a priority. But lately when I actually have free time, all I want to do is lay on the couch and become part of the living dead in front of the tv. I've actually got one night during the week that is dedicated just to watching tv. It's the one night that I force myself to relax for a few hours. It usually doesn't work and I find myself job searching or working on commercials out of guilt. What does my tv night consist of, you ask? It's Wednesday at starts with The Middle and Suburgatory then a rapid change of channel to Law and Order: SVU and Chicago PD. Oh, and wine. Duh.

Since there have been so many highs and lows in the last two months, I thought I'd bring you all up to speed. You're WELCOME, social media creepers. I'll start with the good news first, since I'd like to think my life isn't entirely a mess.

At the end of February, I joined Mary Kay, Inc. as an Independent Beauty Consultant. At the time of joining I was really excited and felt totally great about my decision. I had no idea, however, just how much of an impact it was going to make in my life. It is such a fantastic organization to be a part of and I could not be any happier that I joined. It's definitely been one of the better decisions I've made. So, plus 1 for Mon. I was nervous at first, but is anyone really surprised by this? I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I worry about EVERYTHING. And I don't take risks. At all. I wrote all about this unfortunate flaw of mine here for your recollection. What if I didn't sell enough to make it worth it? What if I couldn't get customers? What if I royally sucked? I was worried about investing money into setting up a business for myself. I don't really like to spend money on myself as it is, let alone in large quantities. To put it into perspective, buying a complete outfit for myself is a little terrifying. But fortunately for me and my business, Man Friend was a wonderful support system for me. He convinced me to order the start-up inventory and thank goodness he did. It's amazing being able to have at least some of my product for people right away, both for the client's sake and for my sanity. Man Friend looked at me and said I just spent the same amount of money on a computer, something I will get nothing back out of. You can spend this money on start-up inventory and then make a profit off it. That's all it took to put it into perspective for me.
The greatest thing to ever come to me by mail

Joining the Mary Kay community was not only a great decision for me to have control over my own business, but also for everything it has done for me on a personal level. For starters, it gives me extra money. Extra moo-lah is always a good thing, but it my current situation, it is a necessity. (More on that later). Before joining, I had contemplated getting a part time job, but it just didn't make sense with my hectic schedule. Not too many places are ok with such limited availability. Not to mention, the last time I had two places of employment, I burned myself out. But with Mary Kay, it is so much different. I have team meetings on Mondays, but scheduling appointments is entirely up to me. I work around my schedule and offer times for consultations when I'm free. I don't have to worry about asking off for busy weekends or nights with plans, as I would have to working a second job in retail or something of the sort. Never in my life have I ever had a job where I was encouraged and complimented so much in my life. My director is always telling me I look great or that she loves the outfit I'm wearing. I've never had a position in which I had so much encouragement. My director and team mates are constant cheerleaders for everyone. I am congratulated every time I meet my goals. I'm encouraged that I can make my goals and encouraged that I can do anything that I set out to. It's amazing what something so simple as "I'm so proud of you" can do. My cheerleaders are a great source of positivity, but what's really done wonders has been just seeing what I can do. I have zero problem talking in front of people, but I surprised myself at how quickly I learned my demo routine and how comfortable I got giving it. In just under two months on my own, I am using my note cards less and less and I can tell what a huge difference there's been since my first party. I am so much more confident, which is something I never thought I'd see in myself. My self esteem is slowly creeping up and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

I wish I could say that's the only reason I haven't been here much lately: that I am so busy with my success with Mary Kay that I don't have the time. But to stay true to myself and to reality, I have to share the bad with the good.

As I've written before, I am very close to losing my "full time" job. The stress on this has been so horrendous on me that it has over taken my life. I sleep like shit, have nightmares frequently, have gained even more weight and have breakouts all over my body like no one's business. I'm crabby all the fucking time, I'm miserable, and snap at people doing nothing but good for me. I can't even remember the last time that I went one week without a sobbing fit. I am terrified of unemployment. Despite the fact that I have joined Mary Kay, I am not yet to the place in my business that I can consider it a full time job. I need it to supplement the money that I am making outside it. I am fairly certain I will be eligible for unemployment, but that just won't cut it. I am terrified about being able to pay all my bills. I know everything always works out somehow, but the waiting until that happens may just be the end of me.

It's a good thing that Mary Kay brings me up so much, because job searching has brought me down to an ultimate low. It is the most defeating, soul-crushing experience I have ever had. I have applied to 219 jobs since October of 2011 and am just not getting anything but rejections. Or worse, not even a rejection but not hearing back at all. That happens far more than I ever thought. I've gotten professional resume help on more than one occasion, I scour LinkedIn like it's going out of style and have gotten referrals from employees at the companies I've applied to. Nothing helps. I either have too much or not enough experience, even when my experience matches the posting. Never before in my life have I felt like I wasn't good enough for something. Never before have I felt so kicked-when-I'm-down. Everyone keeps telling me that the perfect job will happen and I just need to wait for it. That it will come to me, rather than me looking for it. I wholeheartedly agree with this. However, I can't exactly rely on fate when I'm about to be flat-on-my-ass broke.

Besides the daily stress of the job search, the last two weeks have been nearly unbearable. The brother of a very close friend passed away recently. It was unexpected and absolutely devastating to everyone around him, but obviously inexplicably so for his immediate family. He had been so young, had so much to live for and was just...gone. While it is always tragic for someone so young to pass, this had to be one of the hardest I've dealt with. I've known this man most of my life, as his brother and I have been friends since the fifth grade. The brothers and their sister were inseparable and it was gut-wrenching watching them grieve. I do have to say, though, that despite the funeral being so incredibly difficult, it was the most personal funeral I had ever been to. The family truly gave remembrance to their son and brother by making it reflect his life. We all wore Harley apparel and music like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was played. It was a great way to remember him the way he would have wanted.
My tribute

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Things I Wish I Could Say to My Teenage Self

Sometimes, inspiration comes in funny ways. This afternoon, I got hit with some after listening to an old New Found Glory cd. Perhaps appropriate as a Throw Back Thursday notion. I started thinking of my high school years, inevitably, as these years were the height of my angsty, pop-punk years. And after having a pretty severe case of writer's block mixed with job searching that has taken over my soul and life, the ideas started pouring out of my head. The downfall to always getting the best ideas during my drive home is that by design of being in a moving vehicle, I do not have a place to get these ideas out. So the replaying over and over again ensues. Which eventually turns into talking to myself to ensure that I don't forget what I need to jot down. If the sound of hearing my own voice didn't creep me out so much I'd record myself.

Without further ado, Things I wish I could say to my teen-aged self:
  • Spend less time not giving a shit and more time getting your homework done. On time. 
  • APPLY YOURSELF! You are very smart, but half-assing the work is not the same as doing your best.
  • Stick with writing for the school newspaper for more than one article.
  • Life after graduation is no where near what you expect it to be. Life after college and a degree is not even close to what you think it is.
  • Resumes and cover letters will turn out to be the bane of your existence.
  • You are not really as much of a badass as you think you are. But keep the attitude and mindset that you are.
  • It will take you a long time to figure out how to have a verbal filter. Try harder now and it will be easier down the road.
  • Most of the people you hated in high school still suck. The people who picked on you are losers going nowhere with their lives.
  • You will fall in love more than once. You won't end up with any of these boys, but each one of them will always carry a special place in your heart.
  • Do not allow yourself to change for a relationship and do not lose sight of who you really are.
  • Trust me, you are NOT fat. Someday, you will look back and wish that you were the size you are now.
  • Invest in some body tape. Right in front of your friend's boyfriend, your boob will pop out entirely in this dress:

  • Stop picking at your acne and blemishes. Stop touching them. Just stop touching your face. You will be left with scars and regret.
  • Do NOT give up playing guitar. 
    See how much you love it?
  • Despite all of the angsty poetry you write now, you will grow to hate poetry in college. In fact, after finishing school, you will not write a poem again.
  • As soon as you stop knowing everything, your parents will stop being the world's biggest idiots. Have patience with your dad because your relationship will strengthen exponentially when you turn 21 and he sees you as an adult.
  • Sex gets a LOT better with practice.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Why I Would Suck at The Bachelor

Guys, I have been sucked in to The Bachelor cult. I don't know why. I'm not a reality TV junkie by any means and I particularly do not enjoy "trying to find love" reality shows. It's not even good programming. I will even go so far as to say it's really stupid. But, props to the network/producers/directors, because they got a non-believer hooked.

During last week's episode, I jokingly told Man Friend that if I was ever single, I would go on the show just to get a free ride to beautiful locations around the world. Which was immediately followed by how much of a bad decision it would be to put me on this kind of show. For reasons unknown to me, the idea of this is apparently very intriguing to me. I have spent am embarrassing amount of time in the last week thinking of what a fail it would be for me to be a contestant. So I might as well share with you.

Why I would suck at The Bachelor:

  • This might come as a shock, but I kind of have an attitude problem. I'm fairly certain that all of my confessional time would consist of me rolling my eyes and saying things like "Is this real life?," "Did that just fucking happen?" and "I'm missing Rock Fest for this and didn't even get a rose? Un. Real."
  • I have zero facial feature filter. While I can control my word vomit, at the very least until the person in question is out of ear shot, my face has not quite caught up. It's kind of a problem. 
  • I have ZERO tolerance for stupid people. If you are dumber than a box of hair, I am GOING to judge you for it. And I'm going to make fun of you. Not even sorry.
  • I am kind of weird. I really don't mind being alone, I listen to music that is considered rare for girls to listen to in some circles, and I have kind of an odd/dry/sarcastic sense of humor. People sometimes don't get me and I foresee that being the case when shoved in a house with a bunch of strange, I mean new, women.
  • I am a Grammar Nazi like nobody's business. I absolutely will correct your speech. I can (sometimes) get away with it with the people who know me. Mostly because I figure they have just accepted it's who I am and to just take it. However, I don't think it it would go over so well when trying to compete  with 15 other women for the affection and recognition of one single man. Not to mention, that is exactly what would get aired of me over and over. I would really look like a bitch.
  • I am the messiest eater known to mankind. Trying to charm a man and show him how awesome I am over dinner would really translate into losing my meal all over my outfit, table, chair and the floor. In my 25 years of life, I have not yet conquered the feat of proper food intake. And I would embarrass the shit out of myself on national television.
  • I would never have the patience to always be camera ready. I'm sure I would take the time and make the effort to look nice when going on a one-on-one date, much like I do in real life before going on a date. But I could never be always ready for a camera to catch me. I don't even blow dry my hair for work. No way I could always have my hair/makeup/outfit ready at all times. Then I would see myself after the show aired and be embarrassed that I look like such a slob.
  • I do not have the body. I especially do not have the pool/beach body that all the women do (at least the women since I've started watching). The women I see all have wonderfully flat stomachs and seemingly no problems being in a bikini. This is not meant to be a bash on myself, nor am I looking for anyone to correct me. While I know that I am not obese, I am also fully aware that I do not have the kind of body that should be on national television in a two piece bathing suit. Even if I did have said body type, I would be so nervous and self conscious that I would probably be in the corner hiding out and drinking a bottle of wine.

Does anyone else have anything that they just know would be an awful idea for them to do? Share away!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Sucky and Super 2013: A Recap

Hello Dear Readers. I know, I know. It's been a while since you've heard from me last. I've been busy with holiday craziness, but mostly have been going through some really rough stuff. I've been struggling with how to deal and if or how I want to talk about it. But I'm in the acceptance stage so after a lot of turmoil I hope to be back on track doing important things other than sulking and having panic attacks. I'll explain later.

I started New Years of 2012 and 2013 both by thinking this year has GOT to be better than last. And neither one really was. In fact, 2013 was pretty miserable. Now that's not to say that there weren't moments that I enjoyed last year. I had some pretty great times, but unfortunately, there were a lot more things that sucked. But life is always a fighting battle. Without tough times, you never really appreciate the good. I know that's really easy to say, but I'm working on believing my own words. Maybe this will be the year I start practicing what I preach. Maybe.

Anyway, a recap of 2013:

Sucky:

  • January. 
    • Yup, all of it. After overcoming the worst flu/sickness I've had since having mono my freshman year of college, Roomie accepted a job offer in Boston. Which meant moving. Do you remember how much I hate moving? I'll give you a hint: it's a lot. Regardless, moving brought out a lot more struggles than I had ever anticipated. We had about a week and a half to get everything packed and get out of the house. It was pretty short notice for both of us but it also meant I had to find a place to live and very quickly. You never realize how much work packing a house is until you have a very small deadline to do so. Then my grandma's man friend passed away. He had been very ill and as hard as it is to say so, it started becoming expected. But that did not change the gravity of the situation. Grandma's man friend, or her Special Friend, as she called him, had been a part of our family since I was in 8th grade-ish. It was a real struggle watching him suffer for so long and really hard losing him. It was even harder knowing my grandma had lost him. She lost my grandpa to cancer at a young age and here she had to say goodbye to another partner all over again. 
  • An old friend's passing
    • The friend and I had lost touch in recent years, but his death strongly affected me. We grew apart mostly after my ex and I broke up. Without the ex in the picture, we didn't really hang out much. We would chat sometimes when we ran into each other at parties or bars, but the friendship just wasn't the same because we only knew each other because of the ex. However, when I was with my ex, we spent a lot of time together. We hung out often when I was home from college at house parties or going for motorcycle rides. The friend passed away in such a heartbreaking and honorable way that I still have a hard time accepting it. He had completed at least two (maybe three?) tours overseas and was finally home, or at least for the time. He and  a friend were driving and stopped to help a vehicle on the side of the highway. While helping the strangers, he got hit by another vehicle. After fighting in ICU, he passed about a week later. His death was so sad; his family and friends devastated by the loss of someone they loved. He was so young and always so full of fun and laughter. Losing someone at any age is always hard, but when someone in their 20s with so much life ahead of them passes it's heartbreaking.
(Ok, the worst of the worst of the year is done. Everything else seems petty in comparison to two deaths, but I can't discount the rest)

  • My closest friends moving away. 
    • From February to May, my closest friends scattered across the country. Roomie to Boston, The Walking Dead couple Dallas and Florence, SC and another to Madison, WI. I grew up with two of them and the other two joined in college and high school, respectively. I've been friends with them the majority of our lives and aside from going off to college, we've been inseparable. Even when we were scattered across Wisconsin for school, we never lost touch and got together as often as we could. I am certain that is why we are even closer now than we ever were as kids or teens. Saying goodbye to them all was a huge struggle for me. I felt so lonely without them. I cried. A lot. Then I cried because I missed the nuggets, which I never ever in my life expected. When I finally thought I could handle it, something little would trigger emotions all over again and without warning, I was Niagra Falls. Take for instance, passing The Walking Dead Couple's apartment one night. I wasn't even thinking about missing them, but without skipping a beat, in the middle of my sentence, I started bawling for at least 15 minutes. When the friends were all home in October and had to leave all at once instead of spread apart, it was unexpectedly a lot worse. 
Our last night together before the moves started

    Reunited...and it feels so good!
  • Ending a friendship
    • One of Man Friend's close friends turned into a completely different person after breaking up with his girlfriend. Since it's not my fight or loss of friendship, it's not really my place to go into detail. But to make an incredibly long story short, the ex friend decided that he was no longer going to be friends with any of the people in the whole crowd because of something super petty. He made some really douchebag moves and it's entirely on his shoulders that he lost some of his closest friends. For a while it was kind of a touchy subject and I know a lot of people were really hurt by his actions. But now it's just comical and life has moved on smoothly enough without him.
  • The outsourced meeting
    • At 9:15 a.m. on Thursday, December 12, 2013 my department found out that it will be outsourced. As of April, 2014, Consumer Services Department will be operating out of Peoria, IL. We had known that this was a possibility for a few months, but the finality of the decision was awful. I panicked. What the hell would I do? I don't think it's been any secret that it is far from my dream job and being a temp without job security has eaten away at me every day for more than two and a half years. But as long as I have this temp job while searching for something permanent, I at least have a paycheck coming in. But now even that could be taken away from me. I had a million and ten emotions and thoughts whirling through my head. If I had to go on unemployment, how would I survive? How would I manage? I've been actively job searching since August of 2011 and if I haven't found anything in that time, how was I going to find something in only 4 months? I thought I was going to throw up. I cried. A lot. In front of all my coworkers and managers. Pretty embarrassing. I was a fucking wreck. A week after The Meeting, I had the best pep talk from my dad that I had ever gotten from anyone, but especially from him. I'm still struggling a lot and still worry every day more than what my body can handle, but it's a tiny bit easier with my dad's voice in my ear to push me through. 
Frankly, I don't know how I don't have ulcers after this year. Seriously.


But I have had some good moments, which absolutely cannot go without mentioning:


Super:
  • Moving in with Man Friend
    • Moving in to our own place has been the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Instead of having to schedule our time together, we get to see each other every single day. We get to cook for each other and eat meals together at the kitchen table. We go grocery shopping together sometimes (although that has halted because we drive each other crazy in the store). When we want to tell each other something, we don't have to call, text or hope to remember it when the other comes over. We can walk into the next room. Or turn around from our desk. We can sleep next to each other every night instead of most weekends. It's a major sense of comfort being able to fall asleep next to the one you love the most every single night. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it. He is the last thing I hear every night and the first thing I hear in the morning. By no means was moving in together a seamless transition. We fought. We argued over dumb things.We had to learn how to communicate with each other in a new way. We had to make compromises. I sulked. I slammed doors. I got pissed off and expected him to know exactly why I was mad and how to handle it exactly the way I wanted him to. But I wouldn't want to learn how to live with anyone else. Adjusting to each other and the arguments that arise can never compare to being able to spend a night watching tv together, not worrying about making it home by a certain time to go to bed on a week night or having a romantic meal and movie for date night in.
  • Becoming a Big
    • Becoming a Big was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Probably top five. My Little has already taught me so much and I can only hope she feels the same about me. We have so much fun together and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her, despite the fact that she's "just" a child. I look forward to our meetings every week. I can only hope that my mentorship is making a positive impact on her life. I can tell a huge difference in our relationship since we were first matched around May. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. Well, aside from her being the pickiest eater I have ever encountered in my life. But we have so much fun together making crafts, making and decorating treats and going out on outings to experience the community. And we make pretty awesome things like these reindeer treats: