How to Road Rage

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of driving with me, I'll share a little secret. I have a teensy road rage problem. I pretty much hate everyone else on the road. Especially on Highway 41. I never realized how many awful and stupid drivers there really were until I started my commute to Neenah every day. Mornings aren't the worst, but 4:30 in the afternoon is nearly unbearable. Pair that with a home Packers pre-season game on a Friday and it's officially the worst driving situation possible. There have been times with these games plus normal Friday rush hour traffic that it took me at least an hour and fifteen minutes to complete my normally thirty minute drive. I would be better off walking home. In fact, my anxiety level would probably make that the better decision.

Since I have developed a pretty strong road rage background, I have decided to share it with you so that you too can be a successful road-rager.

1. Firstly, you need to yell a lot. I really mean a lot. Use your outdoor voice.
2. Use plenty of swear words. Now is a good time to make some new ones up too.
3. Flip people off when they do something really stupid, but mainly when they put you in danger. Good examples are when someone very closely cuts you off or nearly hits you. I use this one sparingly so when I really need it, it's extra satisfying.
4. Honk. Really lay on that horn. This is only useful if you have a nice, robust horn. Carly's Cobalt horn does not do much justice for this. 
5. Ride someone's ass if they're going below the speed limit. Get mad if someone rides yours. Especially when you're already going 10 mph over.
6. Wave your arms around to emphasize your point. 
7. Keep up exactly with the car next to you when you can see some asshole in your rear view mirror weaving in and out of traffic. Don't let him pass! This particular move is the most satisfying when you make eye contact with the driver you are next to and you both have a silent moment of understanding. This, my friends, is called team work.

While you're doing so much yelling, you may run out of things to shout. Don't worry, I've got you covered. Here are some of my favorites.

• What the fuck are you doing?!
• What. The. Fuck.
• Did that seriously just happen?
• Learn to frickin drive!
• The speed limit is SIXTY FIVE!
• It's only 55 in a construction zone!
• Oh shit, is that a cop? No. Phew. Shit. THAT'S a cop.
• I hope you get pulled over! Where's the cop when you need him/her?
• Fucking GO!
• Get off my ass!
• What do you think you're doing, Ass Face?
• I don't think so!
• Why are we breaking? Why. Are. We. Breaking.
• I can't go any faster with a car in front of me, buddy!
• The fast lane is wide open. Pass me or back off!
• Are you kidding me?
• Would you look where you're going?
• Your bumper sticker is stupid. You're a fucking idiot.
• Lets go [insert name of Vanity plate here]!
• Don't flick your cigarette out by my car!
• Guess that car doesn't come equipped with blinkers!
• Nice blinker, Asshole!
• MOVE! I need to get over!
• It's called getting over so people can merge from the on ramp!

This should feel relatable after your drive.

What is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more.


Ok, sorry. I needed to get that out of my system.


But really, what is love? It is such a universal feeling, yet one of the most unique emotions one could ever experience. The feeling of love is entirely different for every single person, yet remarkably the same worldwide. If love is such a universal emotion, why is it so hard to describe? Because, to quote Michelle from American Wedding, Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do.

As I crawled into bed next to my already-sleeping man friend tonight, about two minutes before I was overcome with this strong urge to write about this very moment, I thought to myself, and this is exactly what love means. Even in his sleep, he lifted his arm up and shifted so I could curl up next to him in my special spot and wrap myself around him. This feeling, this indescribable feeling, is how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

But aside from this quintessential moment, love is:

• When my man friend can make me laugh every single day. Even when I'm mad at him, he makes me
  laugh. Sometimes just the dumbest things have me rolling in laughter, but it doesn't matter.

The caption for this on Facebook was "As long as you make me laugh every day,
I think I can keep you." Seems fitting enough.

• Genuinely enjoying each other's company. A friend of mine once saw an older couple in a bar having a lot of fun together. She asked if they were married. They said yes, and it had been for many years. She told them she was so surprised and thought they were having an affair because they seemed they were so genuinely enjoying each other's company. I can only hope I will get the same experience.
• Walking in the door to dinner ready and on table, and suddenly, forgetting about the awful day you just had.
• Being able to call each other rotten names in jest without being offended, but knowing to never ever call each other names in seriousness or when fighting.
• Being wrapped in a giant bear hug, and suddenly, anything you were upset about melts away.
• Not ordering mushrooms on my pizza because even though I love them, Man Friend can't stand the thought of them.
• Being each other's best friend, being able to tell each other anything and coming to each other when you need to talk.
• Making Man Friend a big breakfast, complete with heart-shaped bacon.
• When Man Friend pauses or mutes his video game to talk to me.
• Going on vacation together and not wanting to kill each other after spending every minute together for days.
• Not getting the STD tests during your physical because you don't even have to question if your partner has been faithful.
• When Man Friend helps my little sister with her biology homework.
• Encouraging each other and believing in each other more than you believe in yourself.
• When Man Friend gives me the bowl and spoon to lick the brownie batter instead of keeping it for himself. And then knowing me well enough to know that "Aww fuck." means that I just spilled batter all over my clothes and replying with "This is why we can't have nice things."
• Making each other Christmas gifts and putting a lot of thought and effort into the gift.
• When Man Friend fixed my fried computer, and assured me through my sobbing fits that everything was not lost.
• When I proofread Man Friend's assignment because "I broke a computer, so he fixed it. He broke a paragraph, so I fixed it."
• I live with and tolerate Man Friend's cat. That should get me extra points, actually.

Touring Lambeau

Saturday Little and I attended one of the coolest Match activities we've done to date: toured Lambeau Field! I can't even begin to explain what great experience it was, but I'm going to try.

First of all, what Packers fan doesn't want to tour Lambeau? For that matter, for any fan to tour their team's stadium and facilities. I felt like a kid in a candy shop being the workplace of my favorite players and seeing all the behind the scenes details. I had no idea how much really went into their team and it was a great learning experience.

Our tour guide was Tim Terry, a former linebacker for Seattle who now works for Pro Personnel for the Packers. What a genuinely good guy! Before starting the tour, he introduced himself to the group and shook everyone's hand, Bigs and Littles alike, said nice to meet you and asked our names. If he didn't tell us that he was a former football player, I still could have easily guessed. He is a giant. Ok, everyone is a giant when you're 5'2", but for real, he's a big guy. When he shook my hand, his hand enveloped mine and my wrist. He led the whole tour with enthusiasm, knowledge and pride. Even if I wasn't a Packers fan, I'm sure I would have enjoyed walking around listening to him talk, learning all kinds of new things.

Throughout the tour, we got to see the weight room, cafeteria, the room with the Super Bowl trophies, the training room, one of the film rooms, their hot tub/cold tub area, the press conference room, meeting rooms, the mail area, the game day tunnel, the locker room and the field. One of the coolest parts of the tour was learning about the team's history. Tim made it a point to say how much the team's history is such an integral part of the team and franchise. He said they make sure that new players know about the history so they can appreciate the team more, but also make a strong connection with the past and the present.

Trophies

Workout room

Little's favorite part was getting to stand in front of Clay Matthew's locker. Matthews is her favorite player and she looked like she was ready to pee her pants. No worries kid, I was there myself. Seeing the team's lockers with the uniforms they wear on game day was super cool. Athletes are huge celebrities and in a small-ish town like Green Bay, the celebrity-dom is even bigger. Without the Packers, GB wouldn't have much, and those guys get near-idol status.

Since I ca't post the picture of her in front of the locker, this is the
next best thing. The receiving line's lockers.

I think my favorite part was walking through the tunnel. If there was one part of the tour that we really got to experience what the players do, that was it. Tim played pre-recorded cheers to really give the vibe, followed by an announcer asking the fans to welcome "your 13-time World Champions" and the door flying up. It was so exciting walking out to an empty stadium, just knowing that's what they do every week. What an adrenaline rush that must be! I seriously cannot even fathom the amount of excitement and energy the players have in those seconds as they run through the tunnel and out onto the field.

The tunnel looking from the outside.

These stands are jam-packed game days.

At the end of the tour, we met in a meeting room with two other men from the Pro Scouting team. Each man talked about their experience working for the Packers and gave inspirational and motivational advice for the Littles. I can only hope those kids understood what an impact that was and how meaningful their talks were. They talked about following your dreams and appreciating any kind of interaction you can have. They encouraged the kids to talk to someone at school they may not usually hang out with because you never know what kind of impact it will make on you or the other person. They all said how much they loved their jobs and that they never come to work stressed and never dread going into work. I thought that was such an incredibly powerful message. Is there any greater example of showing those kids to never settle for anything less than what makes you happy? One of the guys also told us how he was part of Big Brothers Big Sisters as a child. Those kids could look at him, see that he came from possibly a similar situation to them and now he works for his favorite team in the NFL. Although he said he wasn't much of a talker, he gave the best line I could imagine. He told the kids "You've got a lot of mistakes ahead of you, but you're going to do a lot of great things." They then got some real interaction with each of the Littles by going around and asking what each of them wanted to be when they grew up.

Needless to say, my Saturday morning was well spent. I can only hope Little had as much fun as I did.

Kathy Griffin Show

On Thursday, my sister and I saw Kathy Griffin live at the Weidner Center. Kathy is one of my favorite comedians, if not, the favorite. I had not seen her live before and was super excited to go.

The only downfall to the night was that they didn't have a screen up behind her like most concerts/shows I've been to. Our seats were pretty high up, so we couldn't really see her face that well. But we could still see her, and more importantly, hear her.

The two reasons I love Kathy so much are that she is so honest and super vulgar. As someone whose favorite word is "fuck," I can absolutely appreciate a person who has created their livelihood around this word and other vulgarities. She tells everything just like it is with zero filter. She doesn't embarrass easily and turns otherwise shameful moments into bits to make her audience laugh. Anyone who has the first televised pap smear sure has a lot of ovaries and that is something I respect. Thursday's show was not much different. She did a couple of bits that were, as she called them, "shame based."

If there is anyone I love more than Kathy, it is dear Maggie Griffin. Kathy's "93 year-old alcoholic mother." Kathy's impressions of Maggie are so hilarious they leave me rolling with laughter every time I hear them. During her show, Kathy told us Maggie's reaction to Miley Cyrus's VMA performance, her objections to moving into an assisted-living condo and, naturally, her warnings to Kathy to behave in Green Bay. "Behaving" to dear old Maggie meant not swearing on stage, not disrespecting the Church and not giving the Griffins a bad name. Not one of these things happened and it was brilliant. I laughed at all of Kathy's punchlines, but I think I laughed the hardest at the Maggie jokes.

If there is another thing that makes Kathy such a great comedian, it's that she has a ridiculous amount of energy. She brings so much energy and enthusiasm during her entire show, from the moment she runs on the stage to the moment she runs off. If you haven't watched one of her shows on tv or live, I mean literally running back and forth. I am half her age and just the thought of that makes me tired. Needless to say, I am not a runner. With such strong enthusiasm, the audience stays entertained and engaged throughout the whole show. You can tell she loves every moment of what she does and truly enjoys being on stage performing.

Until next time, dear readers, have a wonderful night. Go watch some Kathy videos on YouTube.

Sucky and Super Monday

It's been quite some time since writing one of these, so let's recap, shall we?

Sucky:

• My bodily ailments have been flaring up like nobody's business.
•  My allergies have been the worst I can ever remember all summer long. I've had to spend countless gorgeous days locked up inside with the air on instead of being able to enjoy the outdoors. I have never wanted to scoop my eyeballs out of their sockets or rub my nose off so bad in my life.
• My back hurts so damn bad I don't even know what to do anymore.
• My stupid leg just won't let up. I was camping Labor Day weekend, just minding my own business when Mr. Painful McAss Face Leg decided "hey let's totally interrupt her perfectly good weekend and cause her a sudden, excruciating amount of pain." In the middle of everyone, I just started bawling uncontrollably. How embarrassing.
• Recently, there has been some passive-aggressive tension among some people very close to me. It's just fucking stupid. I'm sure it will eventually blow over, but until it does, there is unnecessary drama, finger-pointing and hurt feelings.

Super:

• I got a surprise visit from Former Roomie! I had absolutely no idea he was coming in to town and was told to wait at home for a package when he just showed up at my apartment. It was the greatest surprise I could ask for and we got to hang out twice while he was home. We ate at Margarita's one night, which still manages to be our go-to restaurant. His last night in town we hung out at my and Man Friend's place watching a Packers pre-season game, drinking and watching stupid YouTube videos. It's amazing how you don't see each other for six months and you can pick up right where you left off as if a day didn't go by. 
  
• The same week, I got to see my favorite munchkin two separate days. I love the kid so much and like to think of myself as a surrogate auntie. We had so much fun playing, she and Man Friend got to meet, and I also got to catch up with her grandma, my Mom Friend. She decided she loved Man Friend right away because he let her climb all over him. 

• Little and I attended our first BBBS Match event. There was a picnic for any Green Bay matches who would like to attend. It was super cool getting to interact with other matches and see how many people were part of the program. Also, I had no idea there were so many people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who were Bigs. I was really impressed by that. After we ate (Little's idea of dinner consisted of half her scoop of pasta salad, three cookies and a handful of pickles), we chalked, played balloon toss, got her face painted and then joined in the Bigs Vs. Littles softball game. Little kept saying "The Littles are gunna kick the Bigs' butts!" To which I had to be honest and say "Yes, I'm sure that is accurate." And sure as shit, she was right.

  

  There's something so powerful and therapeutic
  about a balloon release.

• I participated in my fourth-annual Suicide Prevention Walk. I very actively fund-raised this year and raised more than any of my previous years for a total of $270 in donations. A total number hasn't been released yet, but more than $7,000 was raised just in online donations. Day-of donations and earnings from the raffle and silent auctions have not been included. Participating in the walks gives me such a sense of pride, and knowing I'm helping make a difference is so incredibly, overwhelmingly powerful. The growing success of the walk is the definition of bittersweet. It's so amazing seeing such a strong amount of awareness and support of people who truly and genuinely want to save someone's life.
  There is such a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide that it's never talked about, but that's entirely why the suicide rate is so high. With organizations like the Be the Light walk, we can help those in need and I am so proud to see the group exploding every year. But the growing number of people every year is heartbreaking. That means that more people are still taking their lives and we are still losing so many wonderful people. 
• I received some amazing news a few weeks ago. There is a possibility a wonderful change may be coming my way, but I can't post about it just quite yet. I know this is such a teaser, but I've been super amped, and feeling way more positive about myself. Hopefully more news to come soon.

Songs of My Youth

Whether it's from knowing me in real life or just reading these posts, I'm sure it's pretty easy to tell what a large part music plays in my life. Since before I could walk, listening to music was something that I had a deep connection to. I've been told my whole life that my mom used to lay baby-me down in between the speakers, throw on some AC/DC and jam out. I apparently never even fussed. This was the start of something wonderful.

I have listened to a lot of different genres and artists throughout the years, but I have felt personally connected to every one of them. Looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of songs in particular that I had a strong connection to. Some of the songs had super relatable lyrics or mirrored an exact struggle in my life at the time. Some of them were just what was popular and I sang and danced to them with my friends. Some songs hold very specific memories. No matter what the reasoning, from infant to graduating high school, my youth was flooded with meaningful songs:

• Thunderstruck - AC/DC
• Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Elton John (from Lion King)
• Shiny Happy People - R.E.M
• Man on the Mon - R.E.M
• Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
• I Want It That Way - Backstreet Boy
• As Long As You Love Me - Backstreet Boys
• Back Here - BB Mack
• Wannabe - SPICE Girls
• Spice Up Your Life - SPICE Girls
• Bye, Bye, Bye - N*SYNC
• Lady Marmalade - P!nk, Christina Aguleira, Lil' Kim, Mya
• Waterfalls - TLC
• No Scrubs - TLC
• Just a Girl - No Doubt
• The Boy is Mine - Brandy and Monica
• Jumpin Jumpin - Destiny's Child
• Independent Women - Destiny's Child
• Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
• Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
• Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
• What's My Age Again - Blink-182
• All The Small Things - Blink-182
• Anthem pt. 2 - Blink-182
• Fat Lip - Sum 41
• Little Things - Good Charlotte
• Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous - Good Charlotte
• Sonny - New Found Glory
• The Great Houdini - New Found Glory 

  

  Me at the height of my pop-punk days. And yes, I am wearing a
  self-created t-shirt for a Good Charlotte/New Found Glory
  concert, complete with safety pins and metallic paint.

• Minority - Green Day
• American Idiot - Green Day
• Swing Swing - All American Rejects
• Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
• Drawing Board - Mest
• Get the Party Started - P!nk
• You Make Me Sick - P!nk
• Nookie - Limp Bizket
• Pretty Fly For a White Guy - The Offspring
• Why Don't You Get a Job - The Offspring
• Flavor of the Weak - American Hi-Fi
• My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
• Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
• Wonderful - Everclear
• The Real Slim Shady - Eminem
• My Name Is - Eminem
• Without Me - Eminem
• Complicated - Avril Lavigne
• Broken - Seether
• Last Resort - Papa Roach
• The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
• Meet Virginia - Train
• It's Been a While - Staind
• Youth of the Nation - P.O.D.
• Silence - Mudvayne
• Happy - Mudvayne
• Headstrong - Trapt
• Rest in Pieces - Saliva
• Always - Saliva
• Cold - Crossfade

If I Could Have a Super Ability

I'm sure everyone day dreamed as a child what kind of super power they wish they had. I am no different. Somehow, I haven't managed to shake this fantasy even though I'm, you know, 25. I'm not even ashamed to admit how much thought I've put into this.

Ok, getting doused in radio-active chemicals
would kind of suck too.  But who's counting?

Ever since watching Alex Mack, I've always wanted to be able to turn into a silver puddle of goo and slide all over the place. I'd even take plain old invisibility. I'm nosey as shit and I'd love to be able to eavesdrop on people all the time. Plus, if I was invisible, I could make stuff just fall over or fly through the air. I would particularly like to freak out the people I don't like. However, my eavesdropping would probably backfire and I'd hear something that I really wouldn't want to. I'd probably wind up really hurt or really angry with someone I wouldn't want to be. Ok, so scratch that.

I also think it would be pretty awesome to be able to fly. You can get anywhere super quickly. No waiting for traffic, no road rage, no spending gas. Plus, you can just freely float through the air like a boss. But what if I flew right into a bird? Like an eagle. That would be pretty intimidating. Or what if I got shot at by the military or some UFO-crazed lunatic? Or got swept away by some storm? Alright, I guess this needs to be scratched too.

The one thing I would really like isn't really a power persay, so much as it is just an ability. And this is my genius idea, so I don't want some whacko scientist taking it from me. If I see this in a sci-fi movie or some lab somewhere, I will find you and cut you. Anyway, I want to be able to push a button on your chest or wherever, and be able to suck a limb inside you (think retractable dog leash) until you need it again. So here's the deal. Every single time I am cuddling with Man Friend, the arm closest to him just gets all in the way. I never know where to comfortably put it. Even though I've been living with all of my limbs for the past 25 years, somehow I still haven't figured out how to control them. Also, I really like to sit pretzel-legged all the time or in my half moon chair from my dorm days. Unfortunately, this either puts too much pressure on my bad leg or said leg is pushed into the edges of my seat. If I could just suck it right in, the problem would be solved.

I'm pretty sure this is the most brilliant idea I've ever had. Now if only I could find someone to master this technology, I would be comfortable and filthy rich for the rest of my days.