How to Road Rage

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of driving with me, I'll share a little secret. I have a teensy road rage problem. I pretty much hate everyone else on the road. Especially on Highway 41. I never realized how many awful and stupid drivers there really were until I started my commute to Neenah every day. Mornings aren't the worst, but 4:30 in the afternoon is nearly unbearable. Pair that with a home Packers pre-season game on a Friday and it's officially the worst driving situation possible. There have been times with these games plus normal Friday rush hour traffic that it took me at least an hour and fifteen minutes to complete my normally thirty minute drive. I would be better off walking home. In fact, my anxiety level would probably make that the better decision.

Since I have developed a pretty strong road rage background, I have decided to share it with you so that you too can be a successful road-rager.

1. Firstly, you need to yell a lot. I really mean a lot. Use your outdoor voice.
2. Use plenty of swear words. Now is a good time to make some new ones up too.
3. Flip people off when they do something really stupid, but mainly when they put you in danger. Good examples are when someone very closely cuts you off or nearly hits you. I use this one sparingly so when I really need it, it's extra satisfying.
4. Honk. Really lay on that horn. This is only useful if you have a nice, robust horn. Carly's Cobalt horn does not do much justice for this. 
5. Ride someone's ass if they're going below the speed limit. Get mad if someone rides yours. Especially when you're already going 10 mph over.
6. Wave your arms around to emphasize your point. 
7. Keep up exactly with the car next to you when you can see some asshole in your rear view mirror weaving in and out of traffic. Don't let him pass! This particular move is the most satisfying when you make eye contact with the driver you are next to and you both have a silent moment of understanding. This, my friends, is called team work.

While you're doing so much yelling, you may run out of things to shout. Don't worry, I've got you covered. Here are some of my favorites.

• What the fuck are you doing?!
• What. The. Fuck.
• Did that seriously just happen?
• Learn to frickin drive!
• The speed limit is SIXTY FIVE!
• It's only 55 in a construction zone!
• Oh shit, is that a cop? No. Phew. Shit. THAT'S a cop.
• I hope you get pulled over! Where's the cop when you need him/her?
• Fucking GO!
• Get off my ass!
• What do you think you're doing, Ass Face?
• I don't think so!
• Why are we breaking? Why. Are. We. Breaking.
• I can't go any faster with a car in front of me, buddy!
• The fast lane is wide open. Pass me or back off!
• Are you kidding me?
• Would you look where you're going?
• Your bumper sticker is stupid. You're a fucking idiot.
• Lets go [insert name of Vanity plate here]!
• Don't flick your cigarette out by my car!
• Guess that car doesn't come equipped with blinkers!
• Nice blinker, Asshole!
• MOVE! I need to get over!
• It's called getting over so people can merge from the on ramp!

This should feel relatable after your drive.