Those Darn Millennials

Guess who's back. Back again. Steiny's back. Tell a friend.

It's me. I'm who's back.

At Rock Fest, one of  my Fest friends made a surprising revelation to me. She shared with me that she had followed this blog for a while, and had actually tried looking for it when I stopped publishing it regularly. I was pretty floored. By the time I had lost patience with Purple Heels, or blogging not as a professional in general, I honestly didn't think anyone had read it outside my family. I heard a few times that people enjoyed reading my posts, but I didn't think much of it. I never expected someone who wasn't related to enjoy it enough to seek it out. She fueled my desire to pick it back up. I don't know if I'll ever have the patience to keep up with it at the caliber I once had, but I am hoping to update on a semi-regular basis.

My new-found motivation, paired with getting one of the biggest doses of inspiration I have had in quite some time, I found myself furiously scribbling notes on post-its at my desk today to make sure I didn't forget anything important before I got home from work. So here were are.

Working in social media marketing, I read about Millennials a lot. Like A. LOT. Every single day I read an article (or at least a headline) about how to market to Millennials, What Millennials are like as buyers, How to cater to Millennials in the work force, What Millennials expect in a work culture, How to join snapchat to reach the Millennial audience. It's to the point that I feel like people think, and then have team meetings about, "how do we get an article to go viral on LinkedIn? I know! Let's write about Millennials!" This is not a Marketing strategy. I repeat, this is NOT a viable strategy in your business.

I've also read ad nauseam how Millenials are the lazy and entitled generation. Each article I have read with those words has gotten more and more under my skin. I can not let this roll off my back any longer. I have decided to share my two cents. Will it make any difference? Of course not. But I cannot bite my tongue any longer.

I have a very important question to ask, and that is simply "Why?" Why are Millennials considered lazy? In fact, why are we known as the generation that embodies laziness? Because we desire a good work/life balance? Because we value our time as more than working our lives away? Perhaps I'm biased here, but Millennials are most certainly not lazy. We value education, and are career driven, and are passionate about our communities and the future of our nation and world. As a Millennial myself, I know very few of my peers who are only working a 40 hour week job. Almost everyone I know, in addition to working 40-50 hours behind a desk, is also in school, or working a second job, or running a direct sales business, or volunteering, or parenting, or a combination of several of these things. We may spend our free time Faceswapping in Snapchat, or hunting Pokemon, or binge-watching Netflix, but that is because that time is just that: our free time. These mindless activities come after all those other responsibilities.

Another buzzword that gets thrown around with Millennial is "entitlement." Honestly, that word makes me want to puke. That word has become one of the ultimate insults, and gets tossed out to describe just about anything. And while I certainly agree that we have as a society have grown significantly more entitled in the recent past, I am sick of hearing that the Millennial generation is the root of this. Because, quite frankly and bluntly, working in a call center for three years taught me that every other generation acted far more entitled. They were the ones who demanded all the time. Do you know how many grandparents called in demanding compensation, or to talk to a manager, or using the words "I deserve?" (By no means is this an insult to grandparents. I love mine immensely, and this is a simple observation). So, why are Millennials considered the entitled ones?  Because we want, and expect, to have a say in our options professionally? Because we want to take the best path for ourselves and our futures and refuse to settle? Because we won't back down when faced with adversity? Because we want, no expect, to be treated equally - in gender, sexuality, race, and age? If that's the case, then hell yes we're entitled. Entitled to the best lives we can ask for ourselves. And you know what? Our parents WANT that for us.

Traveling Trials and Triumphs

I know I have been pretty MIA lately, but I am back for now. As I write this, I am sitting on a deck in 60 degree weather (haha fellow Wisconsinites), gazing out at a beautiful lake and basking in the sun. I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the perfect environment for summoning creativity, I would have a hard time ever considering myself a writer.

The last five days have been so incredibly stressful and so incredibly relaxing that my head is still spinning. I took a few days vacation to make a surprise visit to my mom in Virginia. And let me tell you, this trip did not start as planned. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

I booked a bus trip from Milwaukee into Lynchburg, VA months ago. Before Christmas, even. I am not very good at keeping exciting secrets, but I managed it. I kept it not only from my mom, but from most of my family and off social media. Which, if you know me at all, not posting about it on social media was the hardest part. I was antsy and excited and impatient for the trip to start, but the day I left the nerves started. I was nervous and scared, but the anticipation outweighed the anxiety for the most part.

I got on the first bus feeling pretty darn good, despite being crammed into the bus like sardines. This was my first time outside of Wisconsin (and the UP) in years. Outside of Rock Fest and camping trips, this was my first vacation since my Civil Rights Pilgrimage my senior year of college. It was also the first time I've ever traveled by myself. Which was a big enough feat for myself as it was. I am normally far too much of a scardy cat worrier to even think of traveling by myself. But here I was, and feeling damn proud about it.

The second leg of the trip went far smoother than I could have ever expected. There were only 12 of us total on the whole coach bus, and it had far more room in between seats. Each of us got a two-seat section to ourselves to sprawl out on. Even though it was the longest part of the trip, the bus had wifi and power outlets. I had my phone and laptop to occupy myself and started watching the series Revenge. So despite it being a 9 hour drive on a bus, it wasn't that bad.

That, my friends, is where the smooth sailing ends. We got to Columbus at 1:55 a.m. to find out from the Information booth that, because of a snow storm across Ohio and West Virginia, all buses going South and East were cancelled. Indefinitely. Enter panic mode. I was only halfway through my trip, with no way to get to my destination, no idea when I could leave the bus station, and it was 2:00 in the freaking morning. I was exhausted, but I did not want to sleep in the bus station by myself. It was glaringly bright with an exceptionally loud tv, so staying awake wasn't particularly difficult. However, since it was 2 a.m. my time and 1 a.m. Wisconsin time, I couldn't even call anyone. I left text messages for when people woke up, but I knew I had several hours until that would happen. So in the mean time, I watched American Dad, The Office and two infomercials along with everyone else who was anxiously waiting.

Around 4 a.m. I asked the Information desk if they had any further information about trips going out East. The attendant told me that trips were likely not going back out until 5:00 p.m. or I could leave at 11 a.m. and get re-routed through Pittsburgh. The first option would put me in the station for 15 hours and then a 12 hour bus ride and the second would put me in the station for 9 hours with a 17 hour bus trip, Fuck that. Fuck all of that.

I kept checking the weather to see how the storm was progressing and trying to figure out any other options. I pondered the idea of getting a rental and going to Virginia on my own. I get really bad anxiety driving in inclement weather and it's also pretty bad when I don't know where I'm going. Combine the two and I knew I was in for a massive panic attack. But I knew it was that or wait in that damn terminal and sit on a bus for another half a day. I figured I'd take my chances.

I booked a rental with Enterprise, since they would be able to pick me up and bring me to their office. I had to wait until 7:30 a.m. for their office to open. It seemed to take forever, but once I had figured out my plan, I wasn't so anxious. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I just had to make the trip and tell the worry part of my brain to take a chill pill. 7:31 a.m. I called the rental agency and they said they would be there in about 10 minutes. After more than an hour of back and forth of where are they/we were waiting for you/what building are you in we finally realized that I had been calling Columbus, Georgia and not Columbus, Ohio. FFS. They gave me the number to a location in Columbus, which was not near me. They gave me the number to a location on the same street. A rep was able to pick me up within minutes. FINALLY.

I got a Dodge Challenger, which was a freakin boat of a car. But once I got used to driving it, it was actually a really nice car. The seat was raised, so I didn't have to worry about seeing over the steering wheel. Yes, that is a real problem. The heating of the car was great and it was a pretty smooth ride. So I got into the vehicle, picked up the trusty Android and said "OK Google, take me to Lynchburg, Virginia."

All in all, the drive wasn't too bad, but of course that couldn't go without hiccups either. I started off on the Interstate, but when I got off to get food, I got turned around, couldn't find a sign for I-70, and the GPS was telling me to get onto 33 East. I had no idea where I was going, so I took it. Well, 33 East was not the Interstate, but rather, an old country two lane highway. Which was not plowed very well, if at all. After about an hour on this highway with no connection to the Interstate in sight, I finally pulled off at an exit with a gas station and a Walmart. I called Man Friend in a panic not knowing where I was, if I was even going in the right direction and that I was driving through untreated roads. He worked his calming magic and within a few moments I was back on the road.

Those un-salted and un-plowed roads combined with overly cautious (and that's coming from me) drivers who have no idea how to drive in the snow added at least an hour or an hour and a half to my 6 hour drive. But I had no need to hurry, so I rolled with it. Despite my nerves, I defintely felt like a boss driver, though. I had that shit under control and knew I could handle myself way better than any of those others drivers on the road. I eventually hit the Interstate again and from there it was smooth sailing. I did hit a more sections of un-plowed highway, but then I also found sections that were immaculately plowed and salted. Oh, and I never hit any "storms," just a few flurries. I assumed I missed the storms with my delays or the storms weren't as bad as they were predicting. I never even came across more than a few inches of snow on the ground.

I FINALLY got to Lynchburg, which is about 45 minutes away from my mom's place, to drop of the rental and meet up with my mom's man friend. I pulled into the wrong driveway, but saw that it connected to the next one over through the back. I drove down, and not realizing there was a curb because of the snow, drove right over the curb and got my boat stuck on the curb. I had no idea if there is any damage to the car (there wasn't, thankfully) and couldn't get it to move. I called Mom's man friend just bawling. I didn't think anything else could go wrong in one day, but I certainly had hit my limit. He told me it wasn't a big deal, drove over, and got me over the curb seamlessly.

Once I got to my mom's, I walked right in the door and, since her back was to me, said "You got anything good to eat in this joint?" She turned around and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK!" She looked terrified. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She simply stood there, mouth gaping open. I said "Hey." and she continued to stare at me. I walked over, gave her a hug, and then it hit her. She started crying, asking what I was doing there and how long I would be there for. That was a pretty great reaction and made the previous 15 hours or so totally worth it.

I wasn't here for long, just a long weekend, but it was so incredibly relaxing. I basically spent Thursday night through Sunday night not worrying about a single thing. I got to hang out, relax, do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to worry about a busy schedule or making plans. In all honesty, I would go crazy if I didn't have the hectic schedule that I do; I like being busy. But it takes a toll on you and sometimes you just need to turn your brain off.

It was great getting to hang out with my mom and talk about everything and nothing. It is very rare that when we actually do see each other, it's just the two of us. Visiting is usually with the whole family and even when she is home, I have so many other commitments that our time together is pretty staggered anyway. This weekend we got to go shopping together and sat outside taking in the gorgeous weather and it was glorious.

Perhaps too glorious. Sunburned at the first sight of sun.

So until next time, Virginia, peace and blessings.

A Letter to Veronica Roth

I have yet to decide if I am going to keep this as an open letter online or actually send it. 

Dear Ms. Roth,

I have never written to a celebrity before. Yes, I absolutely consider best-selling novelists celebrities in their own right. I can admit I feel a little silly for doing so, knowing full well that the chances of you actually reading this are slim. Further, I understand that should this actually pass through the ranks to get to your eyes, it will be considered nothing more than any other piece of fan mail. However, the Divergent trilogy left such a strong impression that I actually felt compelled to write you.

I hopped on the Divergent bandwagon late. I am not typically a fan of young adult novels, however, upon the suggestion of family, I picked up Divergent. A cousin told me that if I enjoyed The Hunger Games trilogy, I would really love the Divergent trilogy. She said this series was even better and urged me to read it. So, in the summer of 2014, I picked up a copy of Divergent and dug in.

I read the book voraciously. Despite feeling like the opening was a carbon copy to the opening of The Hunger Games, I quickly fell in love with the book. I was drawn to the interesting dynamics of Tris’s family and her constant battle between acting Abnegation and Dauntless. I rooted for her throughout her training and anxiously hoped and waited for the budding romance between Tris and Four to erupt.  Upon finishing the first book, I picked up a copy of Insurgent on my lunch break. I read through it in two days.

My Literacy Selfie from National Literacy Day

While reading has been my favorite pastime my entire life, it is rare that I am so fully immersed in a storyline that I am actually thinking about it while not reading. If I wasn't reading this series, I was thinking about when I could start back up. I theorized about what would happen next, too eager to find out. I realized just how attached I was when I decided that a coworker looked exactly how I pictured Four to look.

Two days after beginning Insurgent, I bought Allegiant. I started it on a Saturday afternoon and by Saturday night, I had completed it. While this installment in the trilogy contained far less action than the previous two, I read the day away on the edge of my seat. I could not wait to find out what would happen; how it would end.

The only problem one encounters after reading an entire series in a week is realizing that once you look up from the pages, the world has continued going on without you. That everyone is totally oblivious to what you just experienced. You feel a little empty inside without those characters right by your side. Sometimes I even delay finishing a novel purposefully so as to delay the abandonment. However, with this trilogy, I absolutely, positively could not do that. Emotional attachment be damned, I could not wait to learn of the ending and where this storyline would go.

That ending, Ms. Roth, is entirely the reason for my writing. To be as blunt as possible, I have never been so disappointed in an ending in my 21 years of passionate reading.

I hated the way the series ended. I actually surprised myself because I was genuinely upset. More than upset, really. Embarassingly angry. For the first time in my life, upon completion of Allegiant, I hid the three books out of view and did not proudly display my completed reads on my living room bookshelf as the literary trophies they should be. I even had to wait months before writing this so I could have a clear mind instead of sounding like a rambling maniac.

Quite frankly, I strongly feel that whenever an author kills off a main character at the end is a cop out. It is an easy way to finish the story. A way to end it quickly and possibly through little explanation without drawing out the plot any further. Well, some stories just need to be told to their fullest. The characters and this storyline deserve completion. Tris’s death was a cop out. It was a cop out to your readers and she, as a character, deserved more respect than that.

I know it is a common argument that Tris’s death was the only realistic outcome. Many say that she was so invincible throughout the entire series that fate was bound to catch up with her. I’ve also heard that it was heroic for her to die and that it was really progressive for a female to die off as the heroin. While I respect and understand those reasonings, I think they’re garbage.

When I shut that paperback for the first time, tears still streaming down my face from the loss of someone I felt I personally knew, my mind started running. My initial reaction was definitely that of my 13 year-old fangirl past self. Tris and Four were supposed to be together. Love was supposed to prevail all and even if they were the last two to survive, they would make it work and rise above. After my fangirl-ness passed, I realized I was upset for more than just the lack of it ending as a love story. The amount of questions left behind is why I fully believe the ending was a cop out.

First of all, Tris’s death doesn’t make sense. As a Divergent, she is immune to all of the serums. Even though the death serum was explicitly said to be the strongest and most dangerous of all serums, as someone immune to everything else, she should have been able to survive. Tris saw herself as a martyr, but when she nearly died at the hands of Four’s mother, she realized she did not want to die. She wanted to live because she knew she had a far greater purpose alive. Why would she volunteer to take her brother’s spot when she was clearly ok with him dying to prove he actually was loyal to the family? Furthermore, she was fighting so hard to avenge her parents’ deaths. They both died to save her. Why would she go on a suicide mission when her life meant her parents died with purpose, though tragically. If she couldn’t even save herself, her parents died for nothing. They lost their lives just for her to die shortly thereafter. And just like her parents, her death led to no resolve.

Though I never appreciate a main character’s death as a way to finish the story, if the death at least has a point in the plot, I can understand it. There was not really a vengeance for Tris’s death. It didn’t make Four fight any harder or change anything in the new society. No one was fighting in her memory.

Finally, the writing style of the conclusion even felt like a cop out. I am sure the shortened and choppy paragraphs and sentences were a way to show the emptiness and change in Four. However, it felt like you were giving up, not Four. It doesn’t show that it was a different voice because his voice was sprinkled throughout the entire novel. It would have been more effective to only use Four’s voice  after Tris’s death. That would have shown a far greater difference in perspective.  The final chapters felt lackluster, as best.

I mourned the loss of Tris but I was far more perturbed that a series I enjoyed so much ended so flatly. I know you have your reasons for ending the series the way you did. Ultimately, it is your writer’s prerogative to do whatever you wish with your work, but I just want you to know that as someone who enjoys nothing more than a good read, this series turned out to be the ultimate disappointment.

Best,

Monica Steinbrecher

How to Make Your CSR Hate You

Now that I am safely out of the customer service world, I can share these helpful pointers for you to suck at being a customer. Follow these steps carefully and you will succeed at making customer service reps hate you.

Argue.

Arguing with your customer service rep is the first and best way to get them to hate you. It doesn’t matter what you argue about; just do it. If they offer you suggestions or solutions, be sure to let them know that whatever it is isn’t good enough. Let them know that this is NOT how their competitor does business. Good words to develop in your vocabulary are “no,” “that’s not enough,” “that’s not good enough,” and “this is unacceptable.”

Be Stupid.

A really great way to get your CSR to hate you is to be super stupid. If you’re actually smart, act dumb instead. I’m not talking about genuinely low intelligence; I’m talking having the common sense of a box of hair. It will also be helpful if you don’t listen or follow instructions. They typically go hand-in-hand with being stupid. Here are some good options to try:

• If you are asked your address, only give part of it. They will not need 1234 Main St. Anywhereville, Statename 12345. Try giving only 1234 Main and then sit in silence. Get mad if they ask for the rest of your address. 1234 Main is your address, after all. It’s even better if you need to go look up your zip code.

• If you need to provide any package information, make sure to not have it handy. Wait until they ask for information about your product to go look for the product. Once you find the product, insist that you can’t find anything they are asking for. If you CAN find the requested information, drastically mispronounce it. Add a few letters or syllables.

• Don’t use proper names for anything. If you are calling about a product, make up your own names for the brand names, product names or product parts. If you are calling regarding anything for healthcare, do not use anatomical names, especially for genitalia. Use slang words. Bonus points if you can make up your own slang term for a body part.

Be Demanding

This pairs PERFECTLY with your arguing, and sometimes, even with your stupidity. Start by being very loud. Your goal is to get the rep to pull his or her headset away from his or her ears. Know exactly what you want out of this conversation and demand that you get this right off the bat. Stand your ground and don’t back down for anything less. Good verbiage to use is “I expect,” “I deserve.” “I  need,” and “I am entitled to.”

If none of these things work, demand one more thing: to talk to a manager.

            

7 Struggles only non-animal lovers understand

I'm not a cat lover. Before you dog lovers celebrate your triumph, I am not a dog person either. I am not a fish person. I am not a bird person. I am not a reptile person. I am not a rodent person. Frankly, I'm not much of a people person either, but this is neither here nor there.

This may come as a surprise to some, considering the breakdown I had leaving former roomie's nuggets. They are/were (RIP Snoop) the exception to this rule. However, the exception did not include: my underwear getting chewed up, my favorite pair of shoes getting chewed up, and cleaning up poop and vomit all over the house. You may also be surprised that I don't like animals considering I am now living with a cat. Said cat and I are starting to come to an understanding, but the 5 am scratching, middle of the night face jumping and frequent vomiting are not working in her favor. I can appreciate cute animal memes because, let's face it, pictures of animals with human traits are funny. But that is where my animal appreciation ends.

This post is for anyone else who has ever heard the offended gasp, "what do you mean you don't like animals?!" Because I know you're out there.

How I look when someone wants me to pet their dog

• I don't appreciate your animal touching me. I am actually terrified of dogs jumping on and scratching me. And it's not funny when this does happen. Please get your animal off me when I'm frozen in fear/angst/disgust/panic/annoyance. 
• The shedding. Seriously, HOW is there hair EVERYWHERE?! I didn't even touch the animal and I have hair woven into and stuck to every piece of clothing I own. Why is no one else bothered by this?
• The animal food aisle(s) in stores smell like ass. I have to hold my breath walking past and/or through these or I start to gag. Sick. 
• The noises. Why is every single bark, meow, chirps or scratch so damn loud? And can't they do it in another room? 
• No, I don't want to pet your approaching dog. I don't care if it's "super friendly." I'm backing up because I don't want to touch it, no matter how many assurances you give. Now kindly take it the fuck away from me. 
• Slobber is frickin disgusting. I don't want to be slobbered on, nor do I want to touch that filthy ball covered in slime. 
• Animals can sense you don't like them. I cannot count how many times an animal is magnetized to me and everyone says "Oh he can tell you don't like him!" Well then why the fuck does he want to be by me? I have zero desire to be around people who blatantly don't like me.

The struggle is real.

I'll Have a Big Bowl of Happiness, Please.

Alright, so it's been another month since my last post. Almost a month exactly, now that I look at my stats. I know that when I had posted then I had every intention of getting back here more regularly. Intentions don't go very far, apparently.  Anyway, for the first time in ever, I have been preoccupied with a flood of good news. You read that right. GOOD NEWS.

So much has been going better than I could have ever imagined that it's been a little overwhelming. It's hard to keep a smooth train of thought here, but I'll try my best.

I'll start with the biggest news. I accepted a job offer! YOU GUYS. I will be working full time. With benefits.

When I had written last, I had been at one of the lowest moments of my life. Worrying about paying my bills on unemployment and what I was going to do caused me to be the most stressed I had ever been. And the massive amounts of job rejections absolutely destroyed me. The longer I searched for jobs, the more of a wreck I became. Seriously, I was just a mess. I genuinely don't know how anyone put up with me. I couldn't even stand myself.

Miraculously, I got the job offer in the very knick of time. We're talking less than a week before my end date at my now former job. It could not have been more perfect timing. And the absolute best part is that I will be doing exactly what I want. The position is exactly what I've been dreaming and hoping for. I will be a Social Media Marketing Manager for a company that basically does fundraising for non-profits. Perfect, right? I will be salaried, with benefits (YOU GUYS. Health Insurance!), and it's all of seven minutes away from my apartment. See you later commuting! It seems to be a pretty casual work environment and from the interaction that I've already had, I can already tell it will be a good fit for me.

When I got the job offer (which, by the way, was all of an hour and a half after my interview), I experienced such a huge rush of emotions. I delicately hung up the phone to ensure that my boss to be was indeed off the line, threw myself into Man Friend's arms and laugh-cried for about five minutes straight. I was so happy that Man Friend happened to be home at the time, because I actually got to share that moment with him. Experiencing one of the most life-changing moments alone would have been so disappointing.  Plus, it only seemed fitting that the person who experienced all of my lows from job searching, and all of my defeat and self-loathing get to be with me for the turn-around.

Getting that job offer was almost an immediate switch in my demeanor and outlook. When I called my mom to share the good news, she told me she hadn't heard me that happy in a long, long time. I agreed. I said, "Mom, I haven't been this happy since I graduated college four years ago." I had told a coworker the next day and she said she had never seen me with such a huge smile on my face. She was also right. My anxiety level has decreased astronomically. Now that is not to say that at the drop of a hat I was anxiety-free. I will always be an anxious person. I will always worry and will always stress. But the fact that it has decreased so much feels fantastic. I truly feel like myself again. I have been sleeping through the night. I was surprised at how quickly my face cleared up. And perhaps the best part of all: I haven't opened Career Builder or Indeed once. I had been spending 10 to 15 hours a week job searching and now that time has opened up for me to actually do things I enjoy. I have been able to read and devote more time to Mary Kay.

While we're on the topic of Mary Kay, that has been a pretty big contribution to my happiness. I know I've stated this before, but joining truly has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. And I've been pretty successful thus far. I've been so successful because I have worked my ass off and really pushed myself to do well. But I push myself because I WANT to succeed. I enjoy everything I do so much that it doesn't seem like a second job. Yes, the extra money is nice, but it's so much more than that to me. I have so much fun at my appointments, my team is so encouraging and positive. I walk out of a meeting and feel like I can do anything. Pushing myself has paid off not only financially, but in reaching my goals. I reached my monthly goal twice in a row of making Inner Circle, which means selling at least $600 wholesale a month. And as I near the end of my first quarter with the company, I am very close to making Star Consultant, which means three months in a row of selling the $600. If I make it, I will get huge recognition and a free prize.  And I like prizes.

I had made my second month of Inner Circle in the same week that I accepted the job offer for the full-time job. So talk about good feelings all over. It made me finally feel great about myself. I could finally say that all of my hard work was paying off. I was proud of myself and all of my effort. I had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of myself. Seeing that in writing makes me realize how sad that is. If someone else said that to me about his or her self, I would feel so...bad.

I officially start the new job on Monday and the end of the Star Quarter is the day before. Stay tuned to hear all about both!

I'm Back!

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers! It has been quite some time since I posted last, more than two months in fact. Alas, I have not yet fallen off the face of the earth. I've really missed being out here in the blogosphere and I'm glad to be back in. Unfortunately, with the stress of the last few months, I have not had much time to do what I love the most: read and write. I know, I know, you can always MAKE time to do what you enjoy, make it a priority. But lately when I actually have free time, all I want to do is lay on the couch and become part of the living dead in front of the tv. I've actually got one night during the week that is dedicated just to watching tv. It's the one night that I force myself to relax for a few hours. It usually doesn't work and I find myself job searching or working on commercials out of guilt. What does my tv night consist of, you ask? It's Wednesday at starts with The Middle and Suburgatory then a rapid change of channel to Law and Order: SVU and Chicago PD. Oh, and wine. Duh.

Since there have been so many highs and lows in the last two months, I thought I'd bring you all up to speed. You're WELCOME, social media creepers. I'll start with the good news first, since I'd like to think my life isn't entirely a mess.

At the end of February, I joined Mary Kay, Inc. as an Independent Beauty Consultant. At the time of joining I was really excited and felt totally great about my decision. I had no idea, however, just how much of an impact it was going to make in my life. It is such a fantastic organization to be a part of and I could not be any happier that I joined. It's definitely been one of the better decisions I've made. So, plus 1 for Mon. I was nervous at first, but is anyone really surprised by this? I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I worry about EVERYTHING. And I don't take risks. At all. I wrote all about this unfortunate flaw of mine here for your recollection. What if I didn't sell enough to make it worth it? What if I couldn't get customers? What if I royally sucked? I was worried about investing money into setting up a business for myself. I don't really like to spend money on myself as it is, let alone in large quantities. To put it into perspective, buying a complete outfit for myself is a little terrifying. But fortunately for me and my business, Man Friend was a wonderful support system for me. He convinced me to order the start-up inventory and thank goodness he did. It's amazing being able to have at least some of my product for people right away, both for the client's sake and for my sanity. Man Friend looked at me and said I just spent the same amount of money on a computer, something I will get nothing back out of. You can spend this money on start-up inventory and then make a profit off it. That's all it took to put it into perspective for me.

The greatest thing to ever come to me by mail

Joining the Mary Kay community was not only a great decision for me to have control over my own business, but also for everything it has done for me on a personal level. For starters, it gives me extra money. Extra moo-lah is always a good thing, but it my current situation, it is a necessity. (More on that later). Before joining, I had contemplated getting a part time job, but it just didn't make sense with my hectic schedule. Not too many places are ok with such limited availability. Not to mention, the last time I had two places of employment, I burned myself out. But with Mary Kay, it is so much different. I have team meetings on Mondays, but scheduling appointments is entirely up to me. I work around my schedule and offer times for consultations when I'm free. I don't have to worry about asking off for busy weekends or nights with plans, as I would have to working a second job in retail or something of the sort. Never in my life have I ever had a job where I was encouraged and complimented so much in my life. My director is always telling me I look great or that she loves the outfit I'm wearing. I've never had a position in which I had so much encouragement. My director and team mates are constant cheerleaders for everyone. I am congratulated every time I meet my goals. I'm encouraged that I can make my goals and encouraged that I can do anything that I set out to. It's amazing what something so simple as "I'm so proud of you" can do. My cheerleaders are a great source of positivity, but what's really done wonders has been just seeing what I can do. I have zero problem talking in front of people, but I surprised myself at how quickly I learned my demo routine and how comfortable I got giving it. In just under two months on my own, I am using my note cards less and less and I can tell what a huge difference there's been since my first party. I am so much more confident, which is something I never thought I'd see in myself. My self esteem is slowly creeping up and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

I wish I could say that's the only reason I haven't been here much lately: that I am so busy with my success with Mary Kay that I don't have the time. But to stay true to myself and to reality, I have to share the bad with the good.

As I've written before, I am very close to losing my "full time" job. The stress on this has been so horrendous on me that it has over taken my life. I sleep like shit, have nightmares frequently, have gained even more weight and have breakouts all over my body like no one's business. I'm crabby all the fucking time, I'm miserable, and snap at people doing nothing but good for me. I can't even remember the last time that I went one week without a sobbing fit. I am terrified of unemployment. Despite the fact that I have joined Mary Kay, I am not yet to the place in my business that I can consider it a full time job. I need it to supplement the money that I am making outside it. I am fairly certain I will be eligible for unemployment, but that just won't cut it. I am terrified about being able to pay all my bills. I know everything always works out somehow, but the waiting until that happens may just be the end of me.

It's a good thing that Mary Kay brings me up so much, because job searching has brought me down to an ultimate low. It is the most defeating, soul-crushing experience I have ever had. I have applied to 219 jobs since October of 2011 and am just not getting anything but rejections. Or worse, not even a rejection but not hearing back at all. That happens far more than I ever thought. I've gotten professional resume help on more than one occasion, I scour LinkedIn like it's going out of style and have gotten referrals from employees at the companies I've applied to. Nothing helps. I either have too much or not enough experience, even when my experience matches the posting. Never before in my life have I felt like I wasn't good enough for something. Never before have I felt so kicked-when-I'm-down. Everyone keeps telling me that the perfect job will happen and I just need to wait for it. That it will come to me, rather than me looking for it. I wholeheartedly agree with this. However, I can't exactly rely on fate when I'm about to be flat-on-my-ass broke.

Besides the daily stress of the job search, the last two weeks have been nearly unbearable. The brother of a very close friend passed away recently. It was unexpected and absolutely devastating to everyone around him, but obviously inexplicably so for his immediate family. He had been so young, had so much to live for and was just...gone. While it is always tragic for someone so young to pass, this had to be one of the hardest I've dealt with. I've known this man most of my life, as his brother and I have been friends since the fifth grade. The brothers and their sister were inseparable and it was gut-wrenching watching them grieve. I do have to say, though, that despite the funeral being so incredibly difficult, it was the most personal funeral I had ever been to. The family truly gave remembrance to their son and brother by making it reflect his life. We all wore Harley apparel and music like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was played. It was a great way to remember him the way he would have wanted.

My tribute