Conversation Hearts

The only way my daily conversations could get any better would be if they actually were printed on heart-shaped pieces of sugar. Here are some little nuggets of life with Mon recently:

Former Roomie: On the bright side he [new roomie] is terrified of me.
Me: niiice.
Former Roomie: Seriously. Yesterday, I was like "I want you to leave." He's like "Why?" I'm like "BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL WELL AND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE!" And he did.
Me: Omg what? Your former roomie would not have reacted the same way.
Former Roomie: lol. True, but my former roomie also didn't annoy the living shit out of me with her gleaming positivity


Friend who recently moved across the country: This is embarrassing but I just saw Leinie's Summer Shandy at Target and almost started bawling because I miss you. Oay. Truth. I cried.
Me: Confession: I cried driving past your old apartment last weekend. And just now.
Friend: Christ we're a mess!
Me: I was just thinking the same thing! But that better be the last time Summer Shandy makes you cry.
Friend: lol deal!
Me: Go figure we still have solid conversations over beer on opposite sides of the country.
Friend: Well I mean we honestly cant be expected to change our ways merely because we're "adults" now.


Coworker (to me):  Instead of you having your own kids, you'll be the one to buy my kids their first drink! As any good auntie should.


Me: Does he ever stop complaining?
Friend: Chip? (a code name for someone we can't stand)
Me: Nailed it.
Friend: Maybe he's never getting nailed and that's why he's always complaining!


Former Roomie's Facebook status: An entire jar of peanut butter for lunch is healthy, right?
Me: SIICK
Former Roomie: DELICIOUS
Friend (from conversation 2): I just heard Monica groan across the country


Little: One time, when I was swimming in the lake with my cousin, I had had to pee. So I climbed on her back and peed on her!
Me: OH MY GOD I AM NEVER SWIMMING WITH YOU EVER!


Me: My Little told me that I'm going to die lonely and alone because I don't want kids!
Coworker (who also does not want kids): But...you'll be happy! And hopefully not poor from  kids sucking you dry.


Cousin: Why is it that I can squish a spider or mosquito with my bare hands, but the second an ear wig comes near me my stomach churns?
Me: Because those motherfuckers are way more disgusting.
Cousin: Fuck yeah.

And this picture I found on Pinterest, which I just couldn't resist sharing:

Bay Beach Adventures

Hello dear readers! After two weeks of not hanging out, I took my Little to Bay Beach on Thursday. For weeks before it was open, she had been asking to go. It was finally open late enough during the week and I was just as excited as she was. 

Although I can no longer manage the Tilt O Whirl or the Scat, I do still quite enjoy the other rides. I was a bit disappointed and a little surprised to find out how few rides Little won't ride. I was hoping to convince her to go on Zippin' Pippin, the only roller coaster, but I was vehemently shot down. Numerous times. She also wouldn't go on the swings, bumper cars or the Ferris Wheel. I found out that she attempted the Ferris Wheel on her class field trip, but got so scared after two circles that she screamed until they let her off. At least that happened at school. I have no idea how I would have handled a child that terrified. Anyway, that didn't leave us with too many options. She did want to go on the Tilt O Whirl even without me, but it was closed for maintenance. So that left us with the train, the Scrambler, the Slide, the Helicopters and the Carousel. The Scrambler is actually both of our favorites, which meant we rode it three times. We also rode the Train twice, which is quite enjoyable, but not really all that exciting. It would have been much nicer if we had been walking around all day and needed a few seconds to just rest. Little was hoping to ride in the back because "you get whipped around much more that way." Round two, she got her wish: we were the only two on the ride, so we could choose the exact seats we want. I somehow managed to convince her to go on the Slide, even though she almost chickened out. We got half-way up the steps and she turned around, looked at me and said "I don't wanna do it anymore." I did NOT just walk up those steps for nothing. Not to mention, I was not going to let her give up. "Uh-uh," I responded. "Keep going." She looked like she wanted to argue but I think she could also tell I wasn't going to move out of her way. I'm fairly certain that as an only child, she isn't used to not getting her way so I'm not sure what she thinks when I don't let her. We got to the top crisis-free, threw our burlap sacks down, and went down. And what do you know, we get to the bottom and she says "That wasn't as bad as I thought." I told her I knew it wouldn't be, and we headed back towards the Scrambler for time #2.

Waiting in line for the Scrambler, there was a little boy ahead of us with some other children. The ride operator/my cousin measured him and he was too short to be on the ride. And I don't mean too short as in if he wearing different shoes he might be able to pass. I mean a solid two inches, at least, too short. Cousin/Ride Operator apologized and explained that because he wasn't tall enough, he couldn't go on, unless an adult wanted to go with him. The children looked expectantly at a lady standing behind the fence. "I am NOT going on that!" was her answer when a simple, "Not this time, guys" would have sufficed. Ride Operator/Cousin handed them their tickets back and they walked out of line. What I heard next is a textbook example of why there should be a test to reproduce. "UUUUGGGGHHH!!! HE'S GOTTEN ON BEFORE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!!" Ride Operator/Cousin: "I'm sorry. I don't know why he wasn't measured before, but if I let him on and something happens, I could get fired." Inexplicably Crabby Mom hauled the kids off to a different ride in another dramatic huff. Um, what did I just witness? First, why the hell are you so outraged by this? Second of all, do you really think that bullying the ride operator into breaking the rules will really make this situation any better? And what does that teach your children? That they can throw a fit until they get what they want? Finally, and most importantly, shouldn't you be worried about your child's safety? If his size puts him in danger, why in the hell do you think it's ok for him to hop on the ride and have a go at it? I would have loved nothing more than to tell that woman she should be ashamed of herself, but creating a scene in front of my Little would not have exactly promoted responsibility, so I pretended to ignore the whole thing. 

Since I convinced Little to go on the Slide, she used it against me and got me to go on the Carousel. By no means am I afraid of it like she was the Slide, but going around in circles while moving up and down is just asking for me to get sick. But after she threw out the "I went on the Slide for you, so you gotta go on the Carousel for me" line, I couldn't much argue. So we got on, and chose animals right next to each other. Then, at the last minute, she got an impish grin and bolted for a ride two behind me.  Oh, fuck. I watch SVU. It's always the Carousel that a kid gets abducted on. And now I couldn't see her when she was behind me. I manage to stay calm and not show my irrational fear and panic. After what I am certain was at least an hour, the ride ended and we hopped off, kidnapper free and just a mild case of dizziness on my end. At least I dodged those bullets.

How to Successfully Annoy Your Boyfriend

About a week ago, Man Friend was working on a post for his YouTube channel when I half-jokingly said "You should create a channel and post videos for how to successfully annoy your girlfriend." I wasn't expecting much of a reaction, so when he said it was a good idea and he'd think about it, I decided I was serious too. I told him he's really good at annoying me, so I'm sure he'd be really good at making this channel. Which got me to thinking. He's not the only one in this relationship who knows how to annoy the other. So I decided, why not write about it?

I came up with a list of my own. I haven't tried all of these yet, but I certainly have given myself a few ideas.

• Own ten pairs of shoes for every one of his. Get offended if he dares suggest to get rid of some.
• Own five bathroom/beauty products for every one of his. Claim you need them all out on the counter because you use them all every day.
• Get mad when he moves your things or puts them where they don't belong.
• When something's wrong, tell him it's nothing and you're fine. Get mad when he doesn't respond or react the way you want.
• Whine. (Ok, I've tried using this to get my way, but Man Friend never falls for it. He says it's "cute.")
• Crank 90s pop music when you're driving and make him listen to it because it's YOUR car.
• Hide the remote while watching shows on Bravo, TLC or the Food Network.
• Gossip to him and expect him to contribute. Get mad when he doesn't.
• "Borrow" all his comfy clothes. Play stupid when he asks for them back.
• Make him choose things to do together and get mad if he chooses the wrong activity.
• Get mad when he "doesn't have" an opinion on things like weddings or fashion. 
• Ask what's happening throughout an entire movie.
• Take over the entire bed, covers and/or pillows 
• Take forever to get ready.

More to come, I'm sure.