How to Road Rage

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of driving with me, I'll share a little secret. I have a teensy road rage problem. I pretty much hate everyone else on the road. Especially on Highway 41. I never realized how many awful and stupid drivers there really were until I started my commute to Neenah every day. Mornings aren't the worst, but 4:30 in the afternoon is nearly unbearable. Pair that with a home Packers pre-season game on a Friday and it's officially the worst driving situation possible. There have been times with these games plus normal Friday rush hour traffic that it took me at least an hour and fifteen minutes to complete my normally thirty minute drive. I would be better off walking home. In fact, my anxiety level would probably make that the better decision.

Since I have developed a pretty strong road rage background, I have decided to share it with you so that you too can be a successful road-rager.

1. Firstly, you need to yell a lot. I really mean a lot. Use your outdoor voice.
2. Use plenty of swear words. Now is a good time to make some new ones up too.
3. Flip people off when they do something really stupid, but mainly when they put you in danger. Good examples are when someone very closely cuts you off or nearly hits you. I use this one sparingly so when I really need it, it's extra satisfying.
4. Honk. Really lay on that horn. This is only useful if you have a nice, robust horn. Carly's Cobalt horn does not do much justice for this. 
5. Ride someone's ass if they're going below the speed limit. Get mad if someone rides yours. Especially when you're already going 10 mph over.
6. Wave your arms around to emphasize your point. 
7. Keep up exactly with the car next to you when you can see some asshole in your rear view mirror weaving in and out of traffic. Don't let him pass! This particular move is the most satisfying when you make eye contact with the driver you are next to and you both have a silent moment of understanding. This, my friends, is called team work.

While you're doing so much yelling, you may run out of things to shout. Don't worry, I've got you covered. Here are some of my favorites.

• What the fuck are you doing?!
• What. The. Fuck.
• Did that seriously just happen?
• Learn to frickin drive!
• The speed limit is SIXTY FIVE!
• It's only 55 in a construction zone!
• Oh shit, is that a cop? No. Phew. Shit. THAT'S a cop.
• I hope you get pulled over! Where's the cop when you need him/her?
• Fucking GO!
• Get off my ass!
• What do you think you're doing, Ass Face?
• I don't think so!
• Why are we breaking? Why. Are. We. Breaking.
• I can't go any faster with a car in front of me, buddy!
• The fast lane is wide open. Pass me or back off!
• Are you kidding me?
• Would you look where you're going?
• Your bumper sticker is stupid. You're a fucking idiot.
• Lets go [insert name of Vanity plate here]!
• Don't flick your cigarette out by my car!
• Guess that car doesn't come equipped with blinkers!
• Nice blinker, Asshole!
• MOVE! I need to get over!
• It's called getting over so people can merge from the on ramp!

This should feel relatable after your drive.

What is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more.


Ok, sorry. I needed to get that out of my system.


But really, what is love? It is such a universal feeling, yet one of the most unique emotions one could ever experience. The feeling of love is entirely different for every single person, yet remarkably the same worldwide. If love is such a universal emotion, why is it so hard to describe? Because, to quote Michelle from American Wedding, Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do.

As I crawled into bed next to my already-sleeping man friend tonight, about two minutes before I was overcome with this strong urge to write about this very moment, I thought to myself, and this is exactly what love means. Even in his sleep, he lifted his arm up and shifted so I could curl up next to him in my special spot and wrap myself around him. This feeling, this indescribable feeling, is how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

But aside from this quintessential moment, love is:

• When my man friend can make me laugh every single day. Even when I'm mad at him, he makes me
  laugh. Sometimes just the dumbest things have me rolling in laughter, but it doesn't matter.

The caption for this on Facebook was "As long as you make me laugh every day,
I think I can keep you." Seems fitting enough.

• Genuinely enjoying each other's company. A friend of mine once saw an older couple in a bar having a lot of fun together. She asked if they were married. They said yes, and it had been for many years. She told them she was so surprised and thought they were having an affair because they seemed they were so genuinely enjoying each other's company. I can only hope I will get the same experience.
• Walking in the door to dinner ready and on table, and suddenly, forgetting about the awful day you just had.
• Being able to call each other rotten names in jest without being offended, but knowing to never ever call each other names in seriousness or when fighting.
• Being wrapped in a giant bear hug, and suddenly, anything you were upset about melts away.
• Not ordering mushrooms on my pizza because even though I love them, Man Friend can't stand the thought of them.
• Being each other's best friend, being able to tell each other anything and coming to each other when you need to talk.
• Making Man Friend a big breakfast, complete with heart-shaped bacon.
• When Man Friend pauses or mutes his video game to talk to me.
• Going on vacation together and not wanting to kill each other after spending every minute together for days.
• Not getting the STD tests during your physical because you don't even have to question if your partner has been faithful.
• When Man Friend helps my little sister with her biology homework.
• Encouraging each other and believing in each other more than you believe in yourself.
• When Man Friend gives me the bowl and spoon to lick the brownie batter instead of keeping it for himself. And then knowing me well enough to know that "Aww fuck." means that I just spilled batter all over my clothes and replying with "This is why we can't have nice things."
• Making each other Christmas gifts and putting a lot of thought and effort into the gift.
• When Man Friend fixed my fried computer, and assured me through my sobbing fits that everything was not lost.
• When I proofread Man Friend's assignment because "I broke a computer, so he fixed it. He broke a paragraph, so I fixed it."
• I live with and tolerate Man Friend's cat. That should get me extra points, actually.